Today I feel like choking out. Do you know why? I started remembering intense feelings for my cousin Yasmine and I need to choke to suppress the thoughts. Maybe I’m looking for love, but it doesn’t help that I’m lonesome, close to insane (or so I think I am), and crazy for my cousin (blood of course it wouldn’t be weird with step cousins)… I am Facebook stalking her, staring at pictures and saving the pics onto my iPhone. At least I’m not thinking sexually or anything anymore… Fuck I hate myself so much. Should just die. Hope choking out will kill me or something. […]
I drown myself in my own self pity. All I want to do now is be with a girl, hold her tightly, kiss her, anything as long as I show deep appreciation and sincerity towards her. Of course, this is just my desperation for happiness that I believe I deeply deserve, but I don’t actually deserve anything. It’s not my mind that I’m telling myself I need a girlfriend. I might be having hormones or maybe anxiety or lust. I don’t know, but I have cold chills at the thought of school starting in less than one day… I thought I had at least 4 […]
Either I’m depressed again. Or I just hate when people take away my mic for ps3 because I spoke loudly or the firt time the whole day and she flipped out. Now I feel depressed again. I feel happy that it’s back, in a way. Probably because I believe my old habits make me at ease. Or that’s how I interpret it. I allow myself, with my 16 year old and oxygen deprived mind, to believe that is why… My uncle came home with bloody hands (I of course am not British, I am Mexican and not proud of it) because he got in a […]
I can’t seem to cry, I’ve taken notice, i don’t understand I really believe I lost the ability to and Ive los the ability to dwell on my past it might be ADHD or whatever but idk the choking has side effects it might be that. I’m jealous of the fact that I ain’t depressed I’m just actively suicidal and have bipolar depression. I am starting to like my dad again and am feeling very gullible at that. Not much else to say other thanthe fact that I hope my time is near and if you bring religion into this. I will become violent and […]
In reading old notes and can’t remember the dream bout Nycolle but I wrote it in my notes of my iPhone… Idk when I did that but why don’t I remember, choking???
It started out with me staring at a picture of Nycolle. My brother was doing an excellent job of photoshopping it and taking everyone out of the picture except her. I stopped for a moment and ended up at a hotel, the same one I talked to Nycolle in once. I walk to this secretary of mines office and check the place out and leave. I end up back home looking at the […]
i choked and the headaches and sensitivity at night to sound are back but at least I’m helping someone learn how to suicide properly. I’m a 16 yearold boy with a brain filled with information “Not for the weak or faint-hearted” like the ranger handbook I got that is close to worthless but still okay. I know more than him about the cartoids even though I don’t know if it’s an artery or what, probably, but I do know from common sense that if you block it you knock out and I do that on a nearly daily basis. I went a good 3 weeks […]
I feel twitchy but it felt a lot better… I choked and panic set in as I looked out the window and saw blurry white skies… I scared myself I wanted to push harder… It didn’t work am I more resilient against it now?…. Just forgot what I was gonna say… Saw that weird white thing zoom on by again… Is Rogue Shadow back?… Haven’t heard from him in a while… My legs felt a little tingly… I am more resilient dammit… Now I must keep going…gonna try again if a few hours maybe…
For the last 2 weeks of vacationas a soon to be junior in high school, I have been playing video games all day every day, nothing else at all, isolated from other humans other than mom stepdad sister uncle and occasional friend. Other than that nothing. I have a routine after 1am…
2:00A.M.
I feel depressed and sad, I also post on SP usually at that time.
3:00A.M.
I feel some sort of crazy insanity. Highly likely this time I would choose to murder or suicide.
4:00A.M.
Oddly, I end up feeling aroused/horny and romantic, but also lonely, normally I masturbate at this time or […]
Today, I woke up from a dream that I had an older brother that I could look up to, he was thought to be cool and all that. In the dream, I thought of how much of a disappointment I would be to him. First time in my life I, or my dreams, thought how pitiful and disappointing I am by actually addressing it. I felt sad about it, and woke up afterwards disoriented and sad. It’s 2 am again and Ive decided to post again. My uncle was making fun saying how in that dream did that older brother rape me or do stuff […]
I might be lactose intolerant or something. Reading these posts is bad to me just makes me depressed and I’m halfway to normal 30 minutes till it’s 3:00 anyways my stomache aches a lil and I feel a lil gassy I cringe at the thought of the enchiladas (tortilla with cheese and salsa) because of the stupid chees i hate the stuff. Milk I’m sort of okay with but cheese ugh it’s aged fungus on the milky shit. I feel it’s harder to breath but it may be my stupidity making me forget to take a breath… I have mucus in my throat. Don’t know […]
my depression, like the scar on my forehead. It is stuck with me. It will never go away. Except my depression comes and goes as it pleases, makes eme sad and angry occasionally and normal and content other days. Never truly happy though, but I’m better than my major depression a few months ago. I’ve choked so much, my past is new to me. Reality and dreams are hard to comprehend and I can’t figure which is which. Music from Matisyahu reminds me of Nycolle. My brain is completely set on the idea that I have no reason to live. My morals and values are […]
I hear the heartbeat in my ears and neck. I haven’t choked in a while. Its hard to breathe (but I could be just thinking I am). I’m watching World’s Greatest Dad about a guy who has a hard time with his son. His son calls everything a fag as in gay or bad. His son is really into auto-erotic asphyxiation and he got caught doing it. The sad part, the dad sees him dead because he choked for 2 long. He decides to make it look like a suicide, with a not and him hanging from his closet. Probably to hide the shame that […]
I was playing video games and my cousin comes by telling me that if I wanted to go to the mall. I not wanting to just stay home every day I went with him and his gf n baby. He’s 2 years older. The best part was after we came home and played video games. He said,” Hey, Nathan, wanna blaze it again?” I of course said yeah. We got an apple and smoked about 4 bowls before I got really high. I love it cuz it makes me talk a lot more but I can’t think straight. Hard to focus, no coordination. Stupidity caused […]
i sit here contemplating about you. I wonder how perfect you are and my young obsession with you, almost 2 years back. I think about any chinks in your perfect complexion, but yet I still don’t see any. I watch your pictures I saved on my iPhone, from your Facebook. And can’t view yours after you blocked me and privates your profile after I mistakenly deleted you out of my misery filled stupor. All of this, stupidity, because you rejected me. I didn’t even know what I would say or how I would do it, especially when I can’t say it to your face. I’m […]
I feel squeezed in another wourld. The wall was filled with a fluid anything sticklike is frowned upon. I am getting the moment words make paranoid, everything does now. I move a tiny bit I hear all the beep disappears and reappearsvlater I hate this dream most people were afraid of clowns I was afraid of thevtwisted metal clown and pschycological dreams scared the fuck out of me Omg I think this is step one of brain control. I felt shortness of breath paranoia, and a feeling of claustrophobia I hate this so much. It gets worse and worse. I hate it so much… And […]
The headaches are killing me. The beep in my ears are extremely loud now. I’ve been dizzy all day and they disappear and then reappear all of a sudden in less than a minute. Where is it coming from. Anyone know, is it paranoia. It may be the illuminati because every time I think or write about them. The beeps, the horrible, continuous beep is horrible. Ow, anyone understand, it’s like shellshock except happens all the time. It comes and goes and today, it’s worse. Rogue Shadow, is it you doing this. Or is it a consequence or withdrawal from choking out? Ow, I don’t […]
Rogue Shadow, I considered him to be a murderer and assassin. In my false comic thing of whatever that he was just an alter ego of something I wish I could be. Then, last Sunday, we were going home and my perception was at a high and knew everything like the mind of a genius killer was part of my brain. it was a simple thing, but thought to myself, we’re going to pick up my car. Turns out we did, I was creeped out by that but also excited over the potential. Now he’s in my brain, driving me close to insane. I blamed […]
Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here’s not right today.
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia’s all I got left
I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside […]
Rogue Shadow… My dad made me believe in god for so many years. I only wanted to make him proud, then I got bullied and saw the truth, I ended up hating it so much. I tried my best to stop listening. I rebelled, and he beat me for it. He decided to take full force on me to get me to listen. Then, after a month, he broke. He gave up trying to make me something I didn’t want. He gave up on me in a way. Over these few days, I learned that there’s still a such thing as a conciounce and I […]
I sit here on my ps3 wondering what to do…
I have finals this week and I know for certain I will fail 4/6 of the finals. I left my backpack at my dads house and in the morning I go to school, yet I am awake at 12:21 AM. I don’t really care, I feel tired and bored but I don’t want to sleep. I keep thinking I want to suffer for all the mistakes I made, even though I purposely made them because I don’t take the right chances/choices. I’m going to choke out now, I hope I die from brain damage soon […]