thehusk

This life terrifies me. I’m scared of judgement, violence and imprisonment. Of being stigmatized, shunned, condemned. Scared of never being able to connect with another person. Of being forever beyond the pale. I’m scared of spending the rest of my life alone, and dying embittered and ashamed.

I’m afraid of how irreversibly broken I am – so that there’s no point even trying to fix it. I recognize the evil in myself, but I love it – it’s the only thing that gives me respite. There’s no hope of anything good – I’m way to far gone. So evil is all I have left. But still, […]

I’m constantly questioning the decision to keep living. I don’t know if it’s purely based on dumb survival instinct, and if there’s any way to overcome that. And if there is, should I?

I know I’m suffering, but it’s not that extreme – just this chronic, middle-of-the-road thing. I’m uncomfortable much of the time, but rarely in excruciating pain. My mental suffering is probably significantly worse than most normal people, but I can numb it at least some of the time.

I can rationalize my fear of death in so many ways – fear of an afterlife, attachment to this world. But I don’t know if any […]

My guess is that I’m not ending my life because of a combination of survival instinct, fear of something worse beyond death (hell etc.), and attachment to personal experience (memories.) It’s highly questionable whether that’s the best choice for me, but it seems like it’s at least less likely to devastate my family.

Which leaves me with the question of what to do while I’m still here, besides preparing my exit. I don’t know if I should attempt to pursue anything in this life. It seems wrong to involve myself in the lives of anyone else. I’m honestly a repulsive person (believe me, if you knew […]

It’s not so much that I want to die. It’s that I don’t want to live with this reality. Which is dumb, because there are no alternatives. But my mind is incredibly resistant to ‘making the best of things’. I’m a stubborn asshole, and I don’t know how to stop that. I can plan it all out on paper, how I’m going to slowly improve myself and my circumstances. But when it comes to actually dealing with the day to day reality, I turn away, time and again. I refuse. I reject reality, and my place in it. And the only solution seems to be […]

I spend so much of my life feeling unwell. It’s hard to know how much of it is in my mind, and how much is physical. I get these pains in my gut – kind of like hunger, only they’re still  there after I eat. It might be bloating – my gut feels kind of swollen or distended. Or like something is squirming inside, trying to get out. There’s weird gurgles and rumbling.

I feel tired so much of the time. But in a low-energy, rather than lack of sleep way. Maybe my body isn’t properly absorbing nutrients somehow.

I’m sure there’s an anxiety component to it. […]

My existence is absurd. Perhaps that is true for everyone. But mine especially. To be so consumed by what is expressly forbidden to me, more at this time than at any point in history. It’s obscene. And not even something that’s necessary for survival, but a distortion, based on my own inadequacies. How sick in the head do you have to be to torment yourself like that?

Things are reopening here, though the infection rate still seems too high to control (especially after recent mass gatherings.) Restrictions are rapidly being eased, and I don’t know what level of caution is sensible to maintain. I’m terrified of my parents getting it – they’re both into their 60s, and my Dad has health issues.

I’m scared of infecting them, but I don’t know how rational that is. They’re my only social contact (sadly). The only other time I go out is to get groceries, and I’m reasonably careful – try to keep my distance, wear a face covering. If my parents do get it, it […]

I have an attitude problem. Or a personality problem. Personality disorder/s. The problem is me. My feelings, my thoughts, the way I react to the world. When I see something I want but can’t have, my response is despair. Rather than making the most of whatever I do have. Because what’s the point, if I can’t have that crucial, essential, fundamental thing? Everything else becomes meaningless in comparison.

I can go through the motions, and try to make the most of my situation. But it’s like carrying a dead weight around – my hearts not in it. So inevitably i retreat back into dysfunction. Because I […]

Lyrics:
I think back to when
Life was good, I was content
But it’s been so many years
I can’t remember how it feels
I reach for me, but I’m not there
It’s so lonely, but who cares
It’s fine, it’s okay
I’ll die anyway
I reach for me, but I’m not there
I always wonder why I’m here
It’s fine, it’s okay
I’ll die anyway
I guess I could say
I’ve learned to live this way
But it’s still hard to find
Reasons to stay alive
Accepting I’m pointless
Isn’t the hardest
When it’s so
Completely obvious
My questions are countless
Looking for answers
So far I’m clueless

I feel so awful – in myself. And it’s not that I don’t deserve to. I’m a truly shitty person. But there’s no way out from under it.

There are things I can do to be less shitty. In some ways I’m significantly better than I used to be (though in others I’m possibly worse.) But no matter what I do, I can’t get back to neutral. To the position where I can look others in the eye again. I could cure cancer, and I’d still be scum. If anything, the feeling gets worse the harder I try – the more I have to interact with […]

There are people who appear to have what I want. I wonder if it keeps them from being miserable. How could you have something that good and not be glad to be alive? But of course people are screwed up in all kinds of complicated ways.

Seeing my desires appear to be real is both compelling and tortuous. It breaks through the layer of resigned depression to remind me ‘yeah, this was what life was supposed to be about.’ But then follows the recognition ‘this is not for you.’

There’s just enough false hope left though to keep me coming back to the fantasy. It’s not like […]

I often find myself wondering: is there some other version of me, amid the countless alternative universes, who is able to interact with others in a functional way. And if so, what are the differences that allow them to do that? Are there things I could learn, so that I too can deal with people without  behaving like a pathetic weirdo?

It feels like a disposition I was born with. So maybe all the versions that share my dna are isolated losers. But perhaps some had some life experience that jolted them out of that. I don’t know what that would be. What would it take […]

I’m so fucked up in the way I think and feel. Any idea of bettering myself is immediately contaminated by the way I approach reality. I suppose I’m a severely disordered personality. Avoidance and possibly some form of narcissism. Along with whole new levels of twisted shit I’ve developed as a coping mechanism.

But there’s no normal for me now. No peace. Everything is infected.

I lack the resolve necessary to end it. But I have no idea how to cope with being this fucked up. Which leaves me paralyzed – failing to pursue a better life and face reality, and failing to put myself out of […]

Most of the time it’s hurting me, and even when it isn’t, the high’s aren’t worth it. I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about giving it up. But when it comes down to it, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I’m hopelessly addicted to living. Or to the idea of living. How could I possibly let go of that next sunrise? Those cherished memories and long-dead dreams?

Though I know it won’t be worth it. And I won’t make the most of it. Because I’m broken, and in pain, and most of the time I just want to numb it all […]

Most of my dreams are set in childhood, between 10-15. Sometimes it’s horrible. But sometimes it feels great, and I don’t want to wake up. I wasn’t happy back then, but I still had hope. I still felt alive. Things still seemed meaningful. I still felt connected to others. I was still part of society.

I want to go back so badly. Tear up the laws of space and time. For a chance to do it differently. To do it right. Avoid what I’ve become.

I’m left with the feeling that I have to do something. Change something. To escape this reality. Break through to the alternate […]

This morning I went for a dawn walk in local woodland. The sun was rising, glinting through the trees, streams gurgling, birds singing, bluebells everywhere. You couldn’t imagine a more perfect scene. It felt pretty great. While I’m appreciating this, I’m listening to a podcast. And one of the hosts recounts an experience they had once in an animal market. They came across a rabbit that had been skinned. Except it was still alive. Someone had removed it’s skin while it was still conscious, and left it there, twitching.

My initial reaction was shock at the extreme cruelty of this. But beyond that, it provoked what […]

Each morning I wake up wondering ‘why?’. Why am I doing this to myself? Why aren’t I killing myself? Why shouldn’t I end it?

I don’t have a meaningful life, and I can’t see a way to build one. I’m in persistent discomfort. I’m mostly anxious, or lonely, or despairing. I’m an irredeemable person. And things are only likely to get worse.

How bad do things have to get before suicide is the only rational choice?

Is it even a choice that’s really open to me?

I wish I could just resolve it, one way or the other. Then at least I could stop worrying about it.

Instead every day […]

I’m completely alone, and I think I always will be, because I’m twisted and I’ve done unforgivable things. I’m not just isolated physically but morally, socially, emotionally. I’m cut off from humanity.

This leads to feelings of depression, despair, hopelessness. Because what’s the point, if you’re always going to be alone? What are you living for?

So I keep thinking I should kill myself. And yet I don’t. And I’m not sure that’s a good choice. It seems like things are pretty bad already, and could easily get much worse. Why face that? For what?

I think what I want is resolution, one way or the other, so […]

This isn’t hell. Or even purgatory. I can imagine far worse things than this. But it is one of the shittier lives you could choose. I’m fairly sure it would be better if it didn’t exist.

For whatever reason I’m not ending it. But I don’t know if there’s any way to make things less shitty.

The problem is me. My mind is fucked. My character and personality are fucked. The way I think and feel about things is fucked. The me that tries to change or do things differently is the same me that is the problem.

I don’t know if I can change that. Can you […]

One of the biggest things inhibiting desire for suicide in me is thinking about my parents getting the news. Imagining these wonderful people who have poured so much love and energy into supporting me over the years, long after they should have turned their backs. It just seems completely unacceptable to do that to them. I know it’ll break them – they’re way too emotionally invested. Putting them through that much pain – and I don’t think they’d ever heal. I’m a terrible person, and a terrible son, but I still love them.

On the other hand, continuing to exist also seems unacceptable. I shouldn’t be. […]