thehusk

I want not to be this anymore. I want not to be me anymore. Every time I’m around other people, I hate myself. I deserve to hate myself. But I don’t want it anymore. I want the feeling, the guilt, the self-awareness – I want it all gone. I want to be free of it – of this self, this identity, this craving. I’m so tired of it – I don’t want to be the villain anymore. Fine, me=badman. Deserving of death. Stain on existence. Can we just get it over with already? Just end it – so I can finally stop being this?

But of course, that’s […]

I have a virus in my mind. If I could just let it go, then things would be so much easier. But I can’t seem to. A part of my brain is fixated on pointless unhealthy delusions. It’s almost a religious conviction at this point. If I could just have these impossible things, then everything would be ok. Land of milk and honey. But I can’t. And it wouldn’t.

But knowing that rationally doesn’t change how I feel. It’s been over 13 years now, and I’m still fixated on this shit. No matter what I do to distract myself or focus on other things, I always […]

I would give anything to be free of the knowledge of what I’ve done. I don’t know if it’s even guilt. It’s hard to feel guilt, when you don’t know if what you did had any real impact on others. I suppose I wronged a lot of people, in an abstract kind of way. But I don’t know if that’s what I feel bad about that, if it didn’t actually change anything for them. Maybe I’m in denial.

I think I mainly feel bad for me – being the one who has to live (or not) with what he’s done. Having to know what I know […]

I have no real outlet for the loneliness I feel. Reaching out to others doesn’t help. I’ve cut myself off from everyone morally and psychologically. Which means all I have is myself. And I’m tired of me.

I wish I could go back to before I made myself this. So much of the time, I want not to be me anymore. For the self-awareness to be gone. So I can experience the world fully again, without the burden of my identity.

It’s such a waste of a life, to be so inhibited. Someone else could be using this oxygen, and really making the most of it. I […]

Presumably I’m resisting suicide because of some kind of survival instinct. And I can’t convince myself it would be best to try and overcome that – at least while my parents are still alive and so invested in me.

Which leaves me trying to make my life less miserable. And I honestly don’t have a clue. My body leaves me uncomfortable most of the time – my digestion, skin, back, teeth – all cause me pain. I’m constantly tired – even when I get lots of sleep. It’s like there’s nothing in the tank. I wake up, have breakfast, and I just want to go back […]

My brain is endlessly hung up on things I know logically are no good for me. This dumb insistence that if I could just find this specific thing in this specific way, then everything would be ok. That I would finally be happy again after over all these years.

Rationally, I know it wouldn’t end up like that. If I got anywhere close I’d most likely be left feeling far worse, and in danger of severe consequences. Nothing would be resolved, or healed. I would’ve just discovered a new low, and put myself and others at greater risk.

And ‘logical me’ knows that, and knows I’m never […]

This life terrifies me. I’m scared of judgement, violence and imprisonment. Of being stigmatized, shunned, condemned. Scared of never being able to connect with another person. Of being forever beyond the pale. I’m scared of spending the rest of my life alone, and dying embittered and ashamed.

I’m afraid of how irreversibly broken I am – so that there’s no point even trying to fix it. I recognize the evil in myself, but I love it – it’s the only thing that gives me respite. There’s no hope of anything good – I’m way to far gone. So evil is all I have left. But still, […]

I’m constantly questioning the decision to keep living. I don’t know if it’s purely based on dumb survival instinct, and if there’s any way to overcome that. And if there is, should I?

I know I’m suffering, but it’s not that extreme – just this chronic, middle-of-the-road thing. I’m uncomfortable much of the time, but rarely in excruciating pain. My mental suffering is probably significantly worse than most normal people, but I can numb it at least some of the time.

I can rationalize my fear of death in so many ways – fear of an afterlife, attachment to this world. But I don’t know if any […]

My guess is that I’m not ending my life because of a combination of survival instinct, fear of something worse beyond death (hell etc.), and attachment to personal experience (memories.) It’s highly questionable whether that’s the best choice for me, but it seems like it’s at least less likely to devastate my family.

Which leaves me with the question of what to do while I’m still here, besides preparing my exit. I don’t know if I should attempt to pursue anything in this life. It seems wrong to involve myself in the lives of anyone else. I’m honestly a repulsive person (believe me, if you knew […]

It’s not so much that I want to die. It’s that I don’t want to live with this reality. Which is dumb, because there are no alternatives. But my mind is incredibly resistant to ‘making the best of things’. I’m a stubborn asshole, and I don’t know how to stop that. I can plan it all out on paper, how I’m going to slowly improve myself and my circumstances. But when it comes to actually dealing with the day to day reality, I turn away, time and again. I refuse. I reject reality, and my place in it. And the only solution seems to be […]

I spend so much of my life feeling unwell. It’s hard to know how much of it is in my mind, and how much is physical. I get these pains in my gut – kind of like hunger, only they’re still  there after I eat. It might be bloating – my gut feels kind of swollen or distended. Or like something is squirming inside, trying to get out. There’s weird gurgles and rumbling.

I feel tired so much of the time. But in a low-energy, rather than lack of sleep way. Maybe my body isn’t properly absorbing nutrients somehow.

I’m sure there’s an anxiety component to it. […]

My existence is absurd. Perhaps that is true for everyone. But mine especially. To be so consumed by what is expressly forbidden to me, more at this time than at any point in history. It’s obscene. And not even something that’s necessary for survival, but a distortion, based on my own inadequacies. How sick in the head do you have to be to torment yourself like that?

Things are reopening here, though the infection rate still seems too high to control (especially after recent mass gatherings.) Restrictions are rapidly being eased, and I don’t know what level of caution is sensible to maintain. I’m terrified of my parents getting it – they’re both into their 60s, and my Dad has health issues.

I’m scared of infecting them, but I don’t know how rational that is. They’re my only social contact (sadly). The only other time I go out is to get groceries, and I’m reasonably careful – try to keep my distance, wear a face covering. If my parents do get it, it […]

I have an attitude problem. Or a personality problem. Personality disorder/s. The problem is me. My feelings, my thoughts, the way I react to the world. When I see something I want but can’t have, my response is despair. Rather than making the most of whatever I do have. Because what’s the point, if I can’t have that crucial, essential, fundamental thing? Everything else becomes meaningless in comparison.

I can go through the motions, and try to make the most of my situation. But it’s like carrying a dead weight around – my hearts not in it. So inevitably i retreat back into dysfunction. Because I […]

Lyrics:
I think back to when
Life was good, I was content
But it’s been so many years
I can’t remember how it feels
I reach for me, but I’m not there
It’s so lonely, but who cares
It’s fine, it’s okay
I’ll die anyway
I reach for me, but I’m not there
I always wonder why I’m here
It’s fine, it’s okay
I’ll die anyway
I guess I could say
I’ve learned to live this way
But it’s still hard to find
Reasons to stay alive
Accepting I’m pointless
Isn’t the hardest
When it’s so
Completely obvious
My questions are countless
Looking for answers
So far I’m clueless

I feel so awful – in myself. And it’s not that I don’t deserve to. I’m a truly shitty person. But there’s no way out from under it.

There are things I can do to be less shitty. In some ways I’m significantly better than I used to be (though in others I’m possibly worse.) But no matter what I do, I can’t get back to neutral. To the position where I can look others in the eye again. I could cure cancer, and I’d still be scum. If anything, the feeling gets worse the harder I try – the more I have to interact with […]

There are people who appear to have what I want. I wonder if it keeps them from being miserable. How could you have something that good and not be glad to be alive? But of course people are screwed up in all kinds of complicated ways.

Seeing my desires appear to be real is both compelling and tortuous. It breaks through the layer of resigned depression to remind me ‘yeah, this was what life was supposed to be about.’ But then follows the recognition ‘this is not for you.’

There’s just enough false hope left though to keep me coming back to the fantasy. It’s not like […]

I often find myself wondering: is there some other version of me, amid the countless alternative universes, who is able to interact with others in a functional way. And if so, what are the differences that allow them to do that? Are there things I could learn, so that I too can deal with people without  behaving like a pathetic weirdo?

It feels like a disposition I was born with. So maybe all the versions that share my dna are isolated losers. But perhaps some had some life experience that jolted them out of that. I don’t know what that would be. What would it take […]

I’m so fucked up in the way I think and feel. Any idea of bettering myself is immediately contaminated by the way I approach reality. I suppose I’m a severely disordered personality. Avoidance and possibly some form of narcissism. Along with whole new levels of twisted shit I’ve developed as a coping mechanism.

But there’s no normal for me now. No peace. Everything is infected.

I lack the resolve necessary to end it. But I have no idea how to cope with being this fucked up. Which leaves me paralyzed – failing to pursue a better life and face reality, and failing to put myself out of […]

Most of the time it’s hurting me, and even when it isn’t, the high’s aren’t worth it. I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about giving it up. But when it comes down to it, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen. I’m hopelessly addicted to living. Or to the idea of living. How could I possibly let go of that next sunrise? Those cherished memories and long-dead dreams?

Though I know it won’t be worth it. And I won’t make the most of it. Because I’m broken, and in pain, and most of the time I just want to numb it all […]