I’ve been having bad dreams very frequently-it’s weird because I go on phases where I have bad dreams almost every night. So in the last week my dreams have been: death of a family member, death of a different, unknown person, cutting my own throat, etc, etc. It really sucks that I can’t feel anything recently even more than ever-wonder, being moved at something, etc. I feel totally empty. My family and other people were talking about living your life and limited time and stuff like that and all I could think was that I WANT my time to be over. Also it frustrates me […]
Lately, I have watched a decent amount of TV because (because of my depression) I have not been able to concentrate on reading (though I’ve tried really hard) and it doesn’t bring me joy because I can’t read a lot anymore, and because I like watching TV with a certain family member as the thing we do together. Recently though, a different family member condemned this and said not to watch so much TV-limit it to, like, two nights a week. But I have no friends, I hardly get out of the house, I can’t read/write/draw, and watching TV sometimes brings me joy. Is it […]
So tired of keeping it all to myself. I texted my dad that I was stressed and he said we’d talk later. Now I’m super nervous. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything? I don’t know. We’ll see. Maybe it’s a teensy tiny step in the right direction instead? Let’s hope so.
For some reason, I got really nauseous yesterday and I woke up in the early morning and threw up a few times. Ugh. Being sick/feeling ill makes me even more depressed because it exacerbates the feeling of being trapped, useless, purposeless, sad. I am unbelievably depressed right now. My dad asked me if I was stressed about something and what because he noticed that I’ve had some strange symptoms (especially lately), and I didn’t say anything. I’m so fucking sick of this. I wanted to tell him. I want to give up and stop trying to live normally when I am breaking inside. I wanted […]
The thing that I was hoping for was officially crushed. What I want is absolutely worthless because it makes no difference-nobody and nothing puts what I want first. Another day spent in bed crying with oblivious people around me and a bullet hole in my heart. People’s dreams around me are coming true and I am left behind and it hurts so fucking much. I don’t know if I can get up tomorrow-I hardly could today. If I want to take 3 Benadryl to knock me out and make me numb, will anything bad happen to me? (Not that I give a shit about myself […]
No matter how many times I feel disappointment, sometimes I still feel a spark of hope about certain things. Dumb. Dangerous. Pointless. I felt hope for a moment and then had a crash. For some reason, if I am “happy” (ha! I am never truly happy) then I have a crash right afterwards of AWFUL depression, even worse than the usual, constant depression. Ah. Why does nothing good happen to me? If I want something to happen, it doesn’t. I can think of countless times where I have been left behind, left out, excluded, and/or ignored. Nobody puts my interests first-does this make me selfish […]
Too depressed to concentrate on anything today. Going to go cut now. I don’t think I can go on normally anymore. I wish I had someone to tell! Sorry rambling I know-I know I always say the same thing over and over again. Ugh.
My birthday was a little while ago. I spent it wanting to be alone, crying whenever I got a chance to be alone, and hiding how I really felt to my family. It got better at the very end of the day, but nothing truly makes me happy anymore. I didn’t know if I could get out of bed today because I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I look forward to anymore. I have never been worse. I wish I could tell someone, but I can’t face my family (because I don’t want them to treat me differently, I don’t want to burden them, and they […]
I’m going to cut a lot now because I can’t take this anymore. If I accidentally cut too much, I accidentally cut too much. If I pass out, I pass out. If my family finds out, my family finds out. If I die, I die.
I must have given my thighs and stomach over 50 cuts but it did nothing. I didn’t even pass out. I wish I wasn’t so fucking impregnable in that way! I felt sleepy right after I did it, though that eventually went away. Why did I feel sleepy? Is that bad? How did I not pass out? I am giving up. I have been wanting to go all out cutting myself so I did today but I didn’t even get shaky or pass out. What the hell?! Can’t go on. Can’t live another goddamn day. I would ask for help, but it’s useless. I’m past […]
I’ve gained another 3 pounds. What the fuck?! I saw this really thin girl today, and I felt horrible. I asked my family why I have been gaining, and they said, “Don’t worry about it; you’re really thin.” So annoying. Like always, whenever I see any other girl, I think that they’re pretty and I am so, so ugly. I haven’t cried for the last week and a half, just felt dead, but yesterday and today I cried. I cried falling asleep, I cried when I woke up, I cried when I realized for the billionth time that I am nobody and that I can’t […]
I have gained 4 or 5 pounds for no reason. WHY?!!! I weigh more than I have for years. I must be eating too much. I knew that I looked more awful than normal. I want to die right now. 24 cuts yesterday, and now I’m going to go cut more. I hate myself!!! Somebody kill me!
I cut my wrist the other day and a family member saw it briefly. I lied, said I scraped myself. I’m surprised they believed me, because I refused to show them the “scrape” and was so panicked I didn’t fake well. I nearly passed out when I thought I’d been discovered. I’m not cutting very often now-once or twice a week-but I cut at least nine times when I do. I guess I’m a failure at cutting too…I never knew that there could be so much wrong with one person. I literally cannot think of one thing I like about myself or my appearance. A […]
God never answers my fucking prayers! I have sobbed and begged and pleaded for relief and help and guidance, but he remains silent. Everybody’s dreams are realized except for mine-I am always left behind and my dreams are crushed in some way or another. Nobody puts my interests first ever. I am so different from my family that I feel left out a lot. I wish I had a friend like in the books I read-one with similar interests, a non-tomboy (my family has tomboys–except for me), a person with similar interests, etc, etc. Of course, that will never happen and even if it did, […]
The other night I gave myself 19 cuts-the most I have done in one sitting. It actually made me happy for the rest of the night! On an unhappy note, I hate my lack of sympathy for other people. Someone that I look up to loves someone else more than me, and I am sometimes filled with intense hatred. I hate that I am left out and less-loved and that they are both unaware of it. It’s not purposeful-and that makes it worse. The person that is more loved than me has minor health issues, and they said that “it gives them anxiety sometimes even […]
I’ve always wondered: what happens if your family finds out you’re a cutter? Do you go to a temporary “rehab” program or mental hospital? Is there protocol? Do you HAVE to go somewhere? What happens?
I have been sobbing on and off all day, alone in my bedroom. I am a horrible person. I want to die. I don’t know if I can make it any longer. Please someone help me get through this week, because I honestly don’t know if I can. Please help.
Dear Diary,
Why didn’t somebody tell me that this is life? This ugly, writhing, despicable world where the strong destroy the weak and some people (me) maybe just aren’t meant to live. Everything will be so much simpler if I kill myself. No more unfinished work, no more overwhelming duties and obligations and responsibilities and failures. Why didn’t anyone tell me that the world is like drowning-that it slides down your throat and chokes you until you beg for an end. Why didn’t somebody tell me that some people grow up too fast, that some people break before they bend, that some people just. Can’t. Take. […]
I had an unhealthy meal, and I…I don’t know…sort of snapped. I guzzled water and punched my stomach but I couldn’t throw up. And I just started sobbing. I saw myself in the mirror and I knew that I would always be a freak and a loser and unworthy. So I gave myself ten cuts. There wasn’t even that much blood, but now I feel sort of strange. I don’t know why…My stomach hurts and I feel like a pig and so so SO FUCKING GUILTY and I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME and I CAN’T EVEN LOOK IN THE MIRROR because I DESPISE myself!!! What […]
I haven’t been here in a while, but here I am. I was having an okay day and then I crashed. Now I want to kill myself so badly. I am so scared right now. I’m scared of trying to get better because if it doesn’t work-if nothing can relieve my depression-I’ll be worse off than I am even now. I am so alone right now. Left out. Stuck behind in so many ways. So misunderstood by loved ones. Nothing will get better. I am tired of trying to find things to make it better. Nothing will help. I am choking on sadness right now. […]