you know those days where you wake up and decide you will definitely enjoy that day? you decide you’re going to do anything you can to feel happy and do everything you always put off. you feel determined and excited. today was supposed to be one of those days. since yesterday wasn’t the day off i would’ve liked it to be, i decided to try my best and have an acceptable day today. it didn’t particularly work, and i’m not surprised.
numbness is a very strange feeling. at first, you don’t understand it; but after a while, you forget how you felt before. what it […]
Chronic Pain
Life has been such a huge freaking struggle and I feel like I’m done. The chronic pain I suffer from, my sick family, my failure as a person, I’m sick of it. I’m tired of living…but, I’m not positive I want to die.
I’m kind of convincing myself not to off myself by challenging the concept of suicide. You see right now, when I think about suicide I ask myself how my corpse will look, or how others will react as well as the bliss of nothingness. If I was going to really commit suicide, I’d have to stop caring about superficial aspects of my postmortem […]
even though i had a day off, i wasn’t able to actually rest. i fell asleep at around 5am, and woke up at 9am.
i’ve been getting random headaches constantly for years now, i’m not sure why; but i’ve had one since around 4pm and it’s currently 1:19am.
even though it wasn’t a good day, i went to the movies so that was nice.
I posted here a few days ago while going through a bad pain attack, just stream of consciousness, whatever I could make my fingers cooperate enough to type. Got a few kind responses (which I’ve only just now read, want y’all to know I appreciate them) which was nice.
Funnily enough, the very next day was the best day I’ve had in years, at least physically, and a pretty great day emotionally as well. My boyfriend and I got to help my dad move some stuff – and even got paid decent enough. I was actually able to do a lot, my P.O.T.S. didn’t act […]
today i was expecting to get home and find everyone asleep again, but it wasn’t the case. for a second, i thought they were waiting for me, but as it turns out, they just lost track of time and were planning on going to bed at about 9pm. not surprising.
today my fingers hurt a lot, and me having to constantly wash dishes and such at work doesn’t help. I’ve always been clumsy and i use band aids very often, but I’ve never had 4 at the same time on my hands; it looks kinda funny, actually. i can’t type very well though, but meh.
My mom decided to take me to the hospital tomorrow, since I have a phone interview for Snap benefits.
I have conclude that I set women’s rights back 50 years. I know that there are awesome women are out with amazing talent. I have looked, and found them. Let’s get one thing straight never declared myself as a feminist, yes I support equal rights between men and women, but before the SJW stuff hit, I pictured a feminist always being strongly passionate women’s rights, marching in these women’s parades, or going to these protests. I wasn’t interested in those things. I just supported equal rights, and […]
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There’s a fine line between “Adversity Builds Character” and “Please Just Shoot Me Now”.
I try to strike a balance halfway, but sometimes it’s a stretch.
Good news, sort of: Bought two new strong aluminum canes with a pretty leafy green vine print on them. And, since the last time I posted in 2016, I got a brand new wheelchair for indoors. Currently it’s in the kitchen, right next to the fridge, so when I want a bottle of water or tea, all I have to do […]
i just got home from working, and it’s 11pm. normally, my brother waits for his wife to get home and then go to bed, but i guess it’s only for her. they’re both asleep. i guess they don’t care, and i don’t blame them for that, nor am i mad at them. i just found it a bit sad.
in other news, this morning was very difficult for some reason; having said this, i was really struggling to not harm myself. i managed somehow, but at work i did get hurt many times, though not on purpose. at least i don’t think so.
life has […]
Today, I plan on going back into Tucker’s. I don’t want to work anymore. Tired of tormenting myself to accepted into a world that will never accept me. I want off the human plantation, but I guess I’m now going to have to fight for that now, when I feel like they never wanted me on the plantation either. I’m going to be off this web-site for a week. Means I’m going to be eating shitty hospital food and sleeping on a bed that’ll hurt my hip, but it’s better than dealing with the outside world.
i just want it to stop
pain always pain never stopping never letting me breathe I’m hurting and crying and hiding from everyone so they don’t know how bad is i don’t want to hurt them worry them anymore i just want it to stop i really can’t do this anymore i can’t
i don’t know why I’m writing this i can’t even think straight i don’t know why i come here nothing helps
maybe just trying to take my mind off it or show someone this is me this is real and its shit fucking bullshit
i don’t want to be here i don’t […]
June 3rd, 2016 was the day I snapped. I drove my car into a light pole at about 100kph. I just couldn’t/can’t handle life anymore. First responders arrived, I admitted to the crash being due to me wanting to die, and not losing control of the car. I was taken to the hospital where I was drugged up and put through extensive testing. I guess it was considered a serious crash even though I had no physical injuries. The next day I was transferred to a mental hospital for a 3 week term where I was supposed to become a mentally healthy individual that can […]
i can’t think properly but it’s not like i want to anyways
i’m very sleep deprived at the moment but that’s fine because i just “have to try harder and go to bed earlier than i do”
in short, i’m tired
I keep being told that I’m doing a good job, only been critiqued on one thing, but then well I wasn’t in trouble or anything like that. He said he wants to focus on zoning things in the store, since that was my strong point, and that we have too many employees and the plants have enough water due to the rain.
I’ve worked too many jobs to know where this heading, Yeah, they’re going to soften the blow, this is why I never believe the good comments, then they’ll laid you off because you were not needed enough for the company. I have noticed that […]
I’ve decided to not tell anybody else about the abuse; their reaction just made me realize how inconvenient and unpleasant this was for everybody.
I knew before that I wasn’t an easy person, but I never felt that rejected in my whole life -not even when I was bleeding and bruised from my exboyfriend.
But I made a mistake. I’ve tipsily told a guy I’ve been with for a while. We’ve never been officially dating but we spent almost every day with each other.
I didn’t want a label for what we had and neither did he.
But I’ve told […]
My life has always been a living hell. Grew up in a dysfunctional family. Suffered a lot of verbal abuse and some physical. It was so bad my friends were scared to come over. That started when I was 8 years old and all that time beforehand, I had a normal childhood. It was when my mom got the new boyfriend shit changed which was when I was 8 and so forth. I was a smart kid and I considered myself smart. A and B student through high school. Had high self esteem. Didn’t have too many friends which didn’t bothered me. Lack of friends […]
I can never have any real friends. All I attract is perverts everywhere I go saying that they’re my friend, more like hoping to be a friend with benefits. Nobody cares about what I have to say or what I like. I might as well walk around saying, “Blah, blah, blah, look at my tits” over and over again. People are going to group me into that category of sluts, even though I don’t put out. I get sexualized every where I turn, and people wonder why I hate sex so much. Why I don’t want to go out anymore? Can never look a man […]
hey everybody,can you help me this time?this time my problem is not about my parents hating me or my overweight or friends and people around me ,this time my problem is that i lost my feelings ,dad was about to die, mother freaked everything out and finally they separated,if it was the old me ,i would have died to hear such news.if it was the new me ,i would have been very happy .but guess what?i did not give a fuck about this sometimes I wonder if someone has stolen my heart?where had all my feelings gone?right now i rarely cry ,but when i do,i […]
That I will never get married
Never have sex with another fellow human being
If I’m to become homeless, that I will slit my carotid artery.
I got another bill from Tuckers. How can I get medical help when I can’t afford it? I know, just stop being depress and magically suck everything up like a sponge. I just got a job, and guess what it’ll all going to go to paying bills. Most of dept is college, hell the debt on one my credit cards is college, and I’m still working shit jobs, scraping the barrel to pay bills. Over 90% percent of my debt is college. Rarely do I spend money for myself. Bad enough that I have a dad who is always bitching to me about money, but […]
words won’t come out.
talking and expressing anything seems like too much work, or like something too complicated that i can’t figure out.
and when i do try to reach out and open up to others, it always goes wrong. i try telling someone about the panic attack i had, and they assume i’m lying and then proceed to tell me i’m not trying hard enough, and that only makes everything harder for everyone. they tell me to try harder.
i thought i was trying my best. and i was. but it seems like, once again, my best wasn’t enough.
i tried to open up, […]