I just turned 29. I’ve accomplished nothing with my life. Because I’m a useless piece of shit. I have Borderline PD. I just got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I have PTSD due to an abusive mother who never loved me. I am facing imminent homelessness. no job, no where to go. Will probably die on the streets this winter. I have a friend who is also facing homelessness. I love him dearly, but I feel like I can’t help him and that i’ll let him down. Or that I’m just a liability to his success. I just don’t see or feel any hope anymore. and lately, well, I can’t deny the logic behind killing myself. I mean, it would solve literally all these problems, wouldn’t it?
I just want my friend to be safe, and then I just want to die. Because the whole “it gets better” stuff? Pure bullshit. No, sometimes shit just gets worse and worse and worse and never gets better. Life is not a disney movie and never will be.
I just also feel that maybe everything in my life has been leading up to this. To suicide. I’m so tired. So fckin tired. Exhausted with being alive. With existing. I just want an end. But like the ever pathetic suicidal cliche, I’m too afraid of the pain associated with killing yourself. So instead I just feel stuck and trapped. things are getting worse, but i lack the courage to bear the physical pain of suicide. So I just hope something else kills me. Hell, I find myself hoping to be a victim in a mass shooting these days.
I’ver just lost all hope. With any luck, my body will betray me and I’ll have a heart attack or a stroke or something.