Ive suffered with severe depression and suicidal thoughts/tendencies for a number of years. Counseling, therapy, medication, hospitals.. Nothing helped. Overtime & lifestyle changes, I believed I defeated it. For the past year or so Ive been nothing but happy, upbeat, positive & full of life. However within recent months, Ive fallen back into depression. Or was it truly never gone, but only tucked away? Idk. Suicide is a reoccurring thought again and Ive been self harming. I hate it, I hate myself. I cant go through this again, I cant. I dont want to feel like this anymore. I want to give up.
Category:
Chronic Pain
I am hate, its burning under my skin. My skull feels like it’s on fire. And all I do is keep quiet than scream of pain and agony. I am not self controlled, I am self suppressive. Holding myself back is my talent. I am listening to my storm of rage and sadness to plan how to let it go one day, I know I won’t.
Some weeks ago I cried for the first time in years again. After that I was so exhausted I cold barely walk the next day. To release a lot was not possible, I still feel the anger burning.
Keeping […]
I’m just going to put this here for me to re-read when I’m at a low point. Kind of as a public time-capsule. Bear with me as it’s going to be a lot about I-Me-My.
I was born to a single mom with a lot of personal issues. She was a pretty promiscuous party girl during my early childhood. She dated, and we lived with a few
different drug dealers before I was even 3, not that I minded at that age. I temporarily lived with my grandma for a year from 3 to 4. I don’t have any memory of
this but apparently, according to […]
I wait for the day I can rest my head
Upon my pillow and hear nothing
But the sounds of my breath and smalls whines
Of my dog on my bed,
The systematic heaving of my chest
Up and down without any ounce
Of pain festering within my lungs
And heart in my breast.
I look forward to the day when
Everything is calm and the trees are withered,
The fog of my breath is natural and free
Not strangulated anymore, until then
I will wait for the second I can
See clearly without any tears shrouding my
Vision. No more screams haunting
Every dream that I’ve hid […]
8 months until my only reason to live comes back, maybe more.
I can’t, I won’t make it, I can’t wait that long. With this miserable life and nobody who will help me. Just a slave trying to see the light of a beacon so far away from me.
I’ll buy the uniform, I almost have all the money. I’ll wear it a lot and go outside and smile my very first genuine smile.
Then I’ll kill myself.
New date: January 2017, probably.
I’m sorry, I can’t stop crying.
As I am typing this, I am on the verge of ending my life. I have never ever been this depressed since my grandfather died. I don’t know why I did it. I know that I should’ve not done it. Because of this, everything was taken from me. The fame, the sports, the hobbies, the clothing, etc. I don’t know why I even exist anymore. There is my dad who calls me names that I feel like he doesn’t love me anymore. He said so much bad things to me that I couldn’t even stand up to myself. My mom was in shock of why […]
i don’t know why iam even alive. i tried to kill myself so many times. no one feels iam enough for them. no thinks iam good enough. how to deal with all this is all i have been trying to find out. why do i have to be this way. why i have to be the one who feels being lonely. i just can’t do this anymore. he says that iam not what he wants. i know that he don’t love me but how can i tell this to my heart. i bleed i cut i try to die. but nothing can stop this pain. […]
Love comes unexpectedly, it feels like a gust of wind strong enough to knock you off your feet, powerful enough to take your breath away. I feel as if God sent me an angel to temporarily take away the darkness that’s consumed me. But I’m already so far gone I’m bringing him down with me, and I see it in his face every time I lash out at him. I know he cares so much for me but I push him away when he tries to get closer to me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, my whole life I’ve longed for the feeling […]
Song: Last Theater
Artist: NoisyCell
I can’t understand how this chain reaction
Has brought me to the edge I’m looking down
One more step would it make me free?
I could fall into the darkness
Realize that I’m just so afraid
I gave up my thoughts
Lived just by reaction
Made nothing but a fake, empty escape
“Be true to yourself”
I’ve heard enough of that
I know if I remember
I’ll find the good
I don’t care
I’m not gonna make it
Is it almost over now?
Can’t see the way to go
I feel so alone
My blood is on the ground
I can’t forgive this anymore
I’m sorry… I’m not your hero anymore.
It’s been months since I’ve started to come here to find comfort, just seeing people as eager to quit this world as me makes me feel better, I felt safe, and comfortable each time I opened up the website, so I’ve decided to create an account too.
My issue is not necessarily coming from a particular event but much more from a profoundly anchored existantial boredom. Each passing day is the same, even though I know there is so much I have not seen? Being human is such a weird experience. There are so many things I want to say I don’t know what to start […]
I hate reality ! reality is boring ! Doctor Strange , Marvel MCU , Avengers , Sword Art Online , Virtual Reality , games , movies , novels , anime manga , comics is better than reality !
by niki
written by niki
I hate reality ! reality is boring !
Doctor Strange is better than reality !
Marvel MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) is better than reality !
Avengers is better than real world !
Sword Art Online is better than real life !
Virtual Reality is better than boring reality !
video games is better than reality real life real world !
movies is better than real-world real-life reality !
novels is better than real-life real-world reality !
anime manga is better than boring real life real world reality !
comics is better than boring real world real life reality !
Why Human’s Imagination is much better than […]
Just to remind myself in case anything good happens in the future. This could also apply if anything bad happens to me too.
“Don’t hope any further.”
I’m sorry… I’m not your hero anymore.
why is it when you feel low and down and ask your friends to meet you up no one meets but yet when they need you to talk to or meet up I’m always there. I’m sick of it being one way traffic all the time. I mean do I need to say please come meet me I feel like shit and I want to self destruct and you need to stop me. Seriously wtf!
well I’ve been trying to work out thinks with my exe but seems like things are going good but idk somethings up I can feel it and its destroying me thinking about it and it hurts plus she was the only one there for me now I have no one she just left me to go drink with some guys I’ll come back for you she said but she hasn’t come so I’m gonna string up I had it with this life shit fr man I’m so alone and lonely it gets hard trying to keep myself together everyday today I give up man she […]
I’m going to have to go to another school right after my regular school because of my depression and anxiety. I have no damn choice if I want to go or not. It’s not fair, I hate it. I have to wake up at 6:45 to get to my regular school at 7:15 I stay there until 2:30 and as soon as I get dismissed from my regular school, I’d have someone pick me up to take me to the other school (which is pretty far away) when I get there, I have more work to do and I don’t leave until 5:30 so then […]
Does anyone else ever get the overwhelming feeling that your soul feels cold, empty, trapped, and broken? I feel like crying, but no tears are coming out of my eyes. I feel the weight of my entire life and I just want to give up so badly. I don’t know what to do anymore. This feeling keeps persisting along with every other feeling. Why won’t it stop? Why do I have to pretend to be perfectly fine and happy when I’m not? Why do I have to hide how miserable I am every single day? Why do I continuously fake everything? Every single laugh and […]
I previously wrote a post on here titled “no purpose” here’s is the link below if anyone wants to read it to give more In sight to this post.
I stupidly trusted someone with this post and showed them, reasons why? I wanted to tell someone how I genuinely felt, a reach out for someone to understand me better so they wouldn’t play with my feelings anymore, a reach out as I know I need help!
So after opening up to someone about this that person said they quote “hurt me or anyone else intentionally” and said they would be willing to help as they didn’t want […]
In May, I tried overdosing. Well, it obviously didn’t work. I ended up being sent to a psych hospital for 11 days. Then I did a partial hospitalization program for 3 weeks, and then did an intensive outpatient program for 5 weeks. During that time, I quit self harming, quit abusing prescription drugs, and quit having suicidal thoughts.
It’s been 5.5 months since I first wound up in my inpatient place. But now that I’m “healed” or whatever the hell you want to call it….I feel weird. And I don’t like it. For whatever reason, I miss being how I used to be. I miss being […]
Tears just broke out in front of my father. Of course he started insulting me and beating me. I asked for mercy, it didn’t go well.
I also made myself a pretty decent cut on my stomach. It felt good, it stabilized me. I like to enlarge that particular cut because it means so much to me.
They are getting worse every day, but I can’t leave just yet. I need the uniform. I need it, it’s everything I need so I can die in peace.
But things are getting so hard. I can barely walk.
I can’t stop it any longer…
I don’t know if I came to a realization or if my mind is trying to hurt me by imagining things. I imagined myself in the far future, a future where I was able to see myself alive, but I saw myself alone. I saw myself with no family and no friends. I saw myself with nobody to talk to, and this left me alone with only my horrible thoughts to eat away at me. I saw darkness. The thoughts grew and took control of me. They took form and became a corrupt being. I could do nothing. I could […]