Can’t stop trying to turn back time to when I made the biggest mistake of my life and agreed to let doctors who misdiagnosed me as schizophrenic and injected me with paliperidone, an antipsychotic, which has destroyed my brains pleasure function.
I took cocaine yesterday for the first time since getting injected, i was unable to feel a thing from it, no inner warmth no rush of pleasure, just a flat bone dry brain. This further confirms it for me, i am devoid of anything nice and good if even cocaine can’t make me feel pleasure for a minute. I was right to attempt suicide for the last 2 months, I’m attempting suicide everyday. The scariest attempt was using a helium hood, I probably won’t have succeeded with the set up i had but I genuinely believed it would kill me, i would be traumatised by that memory if i didn’t have so much more to deal with each day.
Every day is incredibly hard, how can anything be enjoyable if coke and sleep give me nothing, no new feelings or thoughts. I never imagined this was even possible and now I’m having to live through it.
I don’t want to see another day. I got herded like cattle and had my human rights violated to the fullest, the right to a peaceful existence good healthfreedom and happiness permanently erased. I hate the psychiatrists extremely. Watch out for them pumping you full of drugs if you end up on a ward for being suicidal.
I’ve had to take loss of every single thing I have ever known and worked for and everything i held dear to me, I get no pleasure rush from gym training and wake up with such a bad headache after every nap that nothing is worth getting involved in, i don’t listen to music even and that was all I did just a few months ago, fuck my life and fuck psychiatrists they should all be injected with their own medication, ive been attacked by the government on an atrocious level.
It’s a sickening thought I have to plan my suicide so early, the only consolation is that once dead nothing matters, i want to haunt the doctor that did this to me when I’m gone.