Birthday is 12/30/75. I’m 5’0″, giant blue eyes, with long blonde hair…I had major back surgery, so I now have screws, plates and nuts drilled into my lumbar spine. I don’t sleep, I barely eat, I can’t work–I can only stand, sit or lay down for very short periods of time. I am suddenly homeless, I have no family or friends, I have zero income because I’m waiting for social security disability and cannot work. I have no medical insurance, so I am currently off all my mental health meds.(6 of them).I have major depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, and panic disorder. I suffer from god-awful pain every single day. I am also currently off my three pain meds. I am suicidal every day, all day. I can’t believe I haven’t done it yet. I had 2 successful careers, making a very good income before I got hurt. My entire life was stolen from me. On top of everything else, about 4 years ago, my husband was violated on parole, with a bogus charge. I lost my 3 month old son, my husband, my apartment, all source of income. I’ve been railroaded by the Nj DYFS department, taking my son because I was on maintenance pain meds. The drs knew, they made sure I stayed on my pain meds, because I would have had a definite miscarriage. I’ve struggled to stay alive in homeless shelters, staying outside in the cold, couch surfing, and starving. I’ve been beaten, raped, beat with a pistol, robbed (including all of my IDs, etc), and so much more. I’ve had a completely miserable, poor, and difficult life as a whole. Before I got hurt, everything in my life had drastically improved-life was actually wonderful! I had all the bills paid without difficulty, new cars with my ex, we had a new home built, we had my daughter, and so much more.. How quickly an entire life can disappear! A person can take only so much terror, nightmares, heartache, and difficult times before giving up. I was currently with a boyfriend for the last year and a half. He broke up with me in September, leaving me noplace to live, etc… AGAIN, I have been struggling, and hating every minute of my existence. I would give up on my social security disability claim, and at least try and go back to work. But I can’t even do that because I have no identification. Nor do I have the money needed to request a new social security card, a new birth certificate, or new state id/license. I cannot even reapply for food stamps, a homeless shelter or medicaid again without those documents. I have no address to even receive mail, because I am now homeless. (and you need ID and cash to get a PO Box-I did try and look into that.) No matter what I do, I am just in a neverending, painfilled nightmare. I’m also heartbroken after losing the man I truly thought I’d be with for the rest of our lives. I have never needed anyone or anything in my entire life, but somehow he has my heart and soul… I am truly devastated. All of these things are so insurmountable, I just want to get out of this world- my nonstop mental and physical pain I constantly endure. I just needed to vent, before I take that leap tonight. I really can’t even wait. I just pray to God, that I’m allowed through Heaven’s gates, after having committed suicide. If possible, can you please say a prayer for me, as I could really use it right now? (as I said, I don’t have any family, or any friends to even help me with this void) thank you.
Suicide is always an option for me. Here’s what I mean.
Let’s say I lose my Car Keys. When I go through my head to assess my options, my options will look like:
1. Trace your steps
2. Replace the keys
3. Kill yourself.
It’s always there for some reason, in my list of options when I’m trying to solve problems. Isnt that ridiculous!? Even when I’m not depressed it’s like that.suicide
I would say I’m only mildly depressed right now, and that I’ve been working hard to make progress. I have made progress, lots of it. But it’s still there, like this annoying little whisper. I keep having to remind myself that things arent bad enough to warrant suicide. I know recovering is a process, and that these sort of things happen when you’re trying to improve. Doing my best to ignore it and keep going anyway. I guess I just never realized how destructive my own negative thinking really was.
I don’t know how much longer this joy will last. Hopefully until the end of the year, but I doubt it. Hey, at least I’m not completely empty… I feel like I’m just complaining for the sake of complaining, and that this isn’t real… I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, because I don’t think that it’s a big deal, or that I lie. I lie a lot. More than I should, about small things. Hell, my entire life is a goddamn lie at this point. Stuck between two choices, unable to listen to what my conflicting ideas are. I feel alone and wish I could reach out, yet I purposely close myself off. My own safety blanket has become my own fucking chain down to my issues. I hate this all… but I won’t go. I can’t. Too many people are counting on me. I have to be there for people. I won’t live for myself… I have to live for others. If that’s what it takes, so be it.
i haven´t been here for over a year, and i really need to empty my brain, so here´s a bit of the mess that´s going on in my head
i tried to hide it more, so they wouldn´t notice. I guess I got too good at hiding it because now she thinks i´m doing so much better. And maybe I am, but it doesn´t really feel like it. I feel like soon i´ll break; and I don´t know if I can or want to stop it. Today she said, “I think you´re doing much better now. Do you still think you need to see a therapist?”. i want to, but last time i panicked when they asked if i´d ever experienced anything sexual with others. i was ashamed, so I lied. I guess a part of me thought they´d say it wasn´t a big deal. I lied so much that time. So it´s no wonder they said I seemed alright. I just wasted their time, like I normally do.
i don´t think she remembers what happened all those years ago. She probably doesn´t. but why do I have to remember? Seems a bit unfair, but whatever. Lately i´ve found myself spending more time in fictional worlds than the real one, which isn´t really surprising, but it´s a bit worrying.
i feel like everyone is moving forward, doing better and being happy. Everyone but me. I feel stuck in the past, like the me today is with the me from around 13 years ago. It´s disorientating, to say the least. I´ve been trying to keep my mind busy, doing something all the time, but it may be making things worse, because I know i´m just ignoring the problem, and I know it´s gonna blow up in my face sooner or later. At this point in my life, all I want is to disappear. It doesn´t even have to be death, I just want to go somewhere far away, where I don´t have to worry about anything. I want the peace of mind that was taken away from me that day. The day I said yes, and thinking nothing bad was going to happen. The day I technically gave consent but was like 7 years old so I obviously couldn´t give consent to anything of that sort. Sadly, that took a lot of time to get to terms with. i´ve been blaming myself for a while. However, I realized that it´s not my fault. And i´m so glad I did. Better late than never, huh?
Will I ever let it go? Am I being annoying? Am I just being dramatic? Others have it worse. Maybe me being upset about it is stupid and I shouldn´t be. I don´t know.
i´m so tired. So tired of everything. But as always, I won´t do anything. Because I want others to be happy. And I know that if I did what i´ve been wanting to do for many years, it´d be troublesome. So I won´t do it. Not ever, probably. I still want to, but i´ll stick around for a while I suppose.
I’m a 50 year old female who has never really lived and probably never will.
Look, I know I should take responsibility for my mistakes and failings but I feel trapped. It’s like I’m in a prison and there is only one way I’m getting out and that’s death.
It all started when I was 6, that’s when my step-father started molesting me. When I was 7 I told my mother what he was doing, that was the day she started beating me. When I was 12 he wanted to do more than fondle me and pleasure himself, when I said no he got into a mood and was angry with everyone. My mom asked what was wrong and I told him (btw she did nothing to stop him and never confronted him), she beat me until I agreed to do whatever he wanted.
That started the cycle, me trying to keep the peace making everyone else happy by sacrifing myself. Fast forward into my late teen years and that’s when I started eating myself to death. Call it comfort food or eaten nag my feeling or whatever, but food was is my drug of choice. Figured if I’m fat nobody would ever love me and guess that’s true.
I’m 50 and still live with the man who molested me and the woman who allowed him to. I stayed even when I had a great job and was making enough money to leave. Why? Self sabotage. As soon as anything was going well for myself, I’d mess it up and get fired or just change jobs. In the meantime I just kept getting fatter.
Now it’s all caught up with me…see I never put any money aside. I’d spend it as fast as I made it trying to buy people’s approval. My parents, brother niece and nephews, co-workers who have been my only friends in adult life until I change jobs. I ran up credit cards which ch was fine when I had the money to pay them, but what happened when there is no money. When I can no longer work because of health reasons caused by weight?
All those years I financially help my parents now I’m living off them. My choice is live on the street or be dependent on them. I have horrible credit, no “real friends”, very little family and no financial means to be ake care of myself. I filed for disability 2 years ago and was denied. Weighing nearly 409lbs, having high blood pressure, diabetes, a bad heart valve, chronic asthma and bronchitis as well as needed both knees and 1 hip replaced along with clinical depression was not reason enough to need assistance. I also do not qualify for any kind of assistance or healthcare. So I have all of these health issues and cannot see a doctor. I screwed up my life.
There is no way out without living on street or just die. My mother and I found fight constantly and she plays my step-dad like a fiddle. Who would of ever thought that of those two toxic relationships the one I have with him is the healthiest and best of the two?? She is a diagnosed as bi-polar with narcissistic tendencies. Tonight she had one of her fits, because my brother has the audacity to want a relationship with his 18 year old son. My mother did everything she could to undermine his relationship until my nephew was 14, that’s when my ex-sister in law took both kids away from all of us and left the state. 2 days ago they knocked on our door after 4 years, we should all be happy right now but my mother wants my nephew all to herself. Otherwise he’s not welcome in her house and my step-father is taking her side. We have all been miserable since we lost both kids and now we have another chance and they’re ruining everything. So she hits me during one of her tantrums and I push her down into the sofa using the palm of my hand on top of her head. Don’t like being hit or have things thrown at me and I’m told that she can hit me and I can’t defend myself. I’m also threatened to be thrown onto the street, reminded that I’m a horrible daughter and worthless human being. They pay my car insurance right now, so I’m told when I move out I cannot take my car which I paid for. I can only take what I can carry, although I paid for all my clothes, etc… And then I’m told not to leave or they’ll call the police and tell them I hit my mother, which I didn’t…she hit me and I pushed her down to defend myself.
Suicide sounds like a way out of this vicious cycle. Because the only difference between tonight’s madness and any other night is the topic. This happens almost every night and has for as long as I can remember. And still when I could have moved out I didn’t and I don’t know why. Maybe I’m one of those codependent personalities or don’t want to be happy or as nuts as they are or the most likely all of the above. I have had horrible things done to me, but the worst is what I’ve done to myself by putting me in a situation where they again hold all the cards. And yeah..I’m feeling pretty worthless not working, I feel horrible that I never married or had kids of my own. I hate that I stayed here, that I chose to stay despite knowing it wasn’t healthy. It was what I have always known and I don’t know how to live outside of type s nightmare.
I’ve tried committing suicide several times before obviously with no success. The first attemp was at 17, then at 19 again at 22 and 23. And then at 29 several more half ass attempts in my 30s and 40s, I guess I’m not all that serious about it and yet I want it to end. All the pain and feelings of worthlessness and failure. I want the fighting to end. I don’t want to live my life in a constant war zone anymore. I won’t leave so what do I do?
I wash I could explain why I choose to stay in this prison vs. just leaving either by walking out the door or by being carried out in a body bag but I chose to stay until I can’t and I know when I finally leave, I will not be walking out, I will be being carried. God help me.
All of me is very pathetic: I am not overweight, but am by no means strong, nor do I possess any significant measure of success or unique strength in any certain area. I work, eat- though sometimes I wish that I didn’t-, sleep, and spend the rest of the time just being lonely and writing about people that I see. It’s embarrassingly lame.
I am tired too: I don’t have anyone to just rest with. I watch porn because I’m so fracking lonely; I cry because it’s pathetic; then I pretend it didn’t happen, almost never really confronting it as an issue. I lie about it, ignore it, and dream that I am actually some human battery being used for a machine-run matrix or some other complicated bullshite.
I hate the wind and I despise its gale;
I hate when it strikes the top mast and sail.
I’d much prefer to climb the stairs to heaven’s gate
Than stay on earth, left to men, and man’s fate.
But the ship steers away; it’s breaking off due south,
Bound for a bitter land; heading for trade of mouth.
In this light, I cannot see; under the sun, I am blind.
I hope, I pray, I dream, that in this land, you are what I find.
I’ve had left side flank pain on and off for four years now.
I finally got to see a GI specialist.
The specialist thinks my mental illness has caused my physical illness and pain for the past four years. That I have IBS and there’s nothing she can really do for me, and that psychiatric medication is probably my solution.
Unfortunately medication hasn’t been safe for me and no other treatments have helped me either.
I have already given mental illness the ability to make friends.
I have already given my mental illness educational opportunities.
I have given it my ability to support myself financially.
I have given it all my relationships with friends, family, and with significant others.
I have lost part of my journey in motherhood to my mental illness.
I have signed over my fertility to my mental illness.
I have given the very person I am – the mother, sister, daughter, and lover I wanted to be to my mental illness.
I have nearly given my life to my mental illness.
Yet here it is still devouring more of me.
I have nothing left to give.
I’m out of options.
At this point I need to assess my quality of life again.
I’ve been warned my whole life that if I didn’t get my mental health under control there would be physical consequences.
At age 26 that has finally been confirmed. It’s already been going on for 4 years.
My life will continue to deteriorate as everyone around me will inevitably grow more tired of me than I am of myself. My physical and mental health will also worsen.
It’s likely that I will lose custody and possibly visitation with both of my children, I will become homeless, and finally I will lose my humanity and I will be like an animal trapped in a cage.
There’s obviously not a timeline on that but I’m rotting away relatively quickly.
I have two options
Wait around and continue to rot living the best miserable life I can
Take control and end it before things get worse.
Please don’t tell me how I “may never know things may get better” I’ve been told by multiple professionals that I will only get worse as time goes on. Wellness isn’t an option for me.
I just need to determine as clear headed and thoughtful as possible what is enough.
People insist that suicide is a rash decision or one without thinking, but in my case that isn’t true. This is something that I have analyzed, prepared for, and planned right down to minor funeral details.
3 Months Ago i posted my first post here ”I Want to be Happy”.
Back in those days i told myself ”If things don’t get better by the end of this year (2018) i would end up my life”
Weeks after i wrote that post i was actually optimist, the things in my life got better, i trutly thought i would make another year. But it was just that, a delusional through.
But life beated me down.
The things that happened goes far from my control, i can’t help not even to myself, less to my family. and if it is not enough…
She found another dude, she told me she maybe like him, shattered, i ended up going out to my house from school (even though I had more classes) because i was close to have a nervous crisis. And it happened, i locked up myself on my room and it was crazy, i wanted to faint but i didn’t. IT WAS MY FIRST NERVOUS CRISIS IN 4 YEARS. I ended up trembling and crying in silence because i didn’t want my parents to be concerned about me.
I don’t know if i should writte the things just happened, by doing that i would not feel better, so i’m not going to do that, because i officially GIVE UP.
I just to ask to God; Why? It was neccesary? Why would you put beat me up like that? DO YOU HATE ME? I PRAYED TO YOU, I ASKED YOU FOR HELP, BUT I ENDED UP BEING THE FORSAKED, I CRIED TO YOU LIKE A MANIAC, but you never came to me, never
Job 3:3 Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night in which it was said, There is a man child conceived.
I feel terrible, i never felt so down before, i can’t cry, just laying in bed for hours, i don’t want to eat, i don’t want to go to school, i can’t even talk, i can’t even sleep, and for the very first time music doesn’t help anymore in my depression.
I just want to be happy again I SWEAR I TRY TO BE, but i just can’t. Now nothings it’s going to keep me sane, back then, music/friends/movies/games helped a a lot, now i don’t enjoy nothing but sleep (and it’s hard to)
Don’t told me i didn’t tried because i did, I TRY TO LAUGHT, TO ENJOY, TO THINK IN GOOD THINGS BUT I CAN’T!
I think it’s the beggining of the end. Since the only things i enjoy it’s sleep, better get eternal sleep.
So who here is on medication? I’ll be seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow but some part in me wants to not take meds if I am prescribed one because of all the things I’ve read like it messes up your mind or brain chemistry or something. So what does it feel like when you take your happy pills? Do they even work? Has it messed up your thinking?
Sometimes I feel the most alone person in the world. No friends and no one who cares about me. My mother is a fanatic religious who doesn’t accept me as a woman and keeps insisting on treating me a way a hate. She knows I hate it and that makes me feel even more sad, but she doesn’t care. She won’t chance because of her imaginary friend. I tried so hard to be well this year, to feel better, but I keep walking in circles, always ending where I began. Last week I felt that wish to cut myself again after one year and I’m thinking again about suicide. I always feel like my life won’t change no matter how I try. It’s like if I don’t fit this world. I would like to sleep and not wake up again because when I’m awake I feel like I’m living a nightmare.
People hate me, no one likes me. When they see my face they spit on ground. I didn’t harm anyone, but i don’t know why people hate me. I dont want to live in this world. Why only bad things are happening with me. Good bye everyone.
I can’t recognize myself in the mirror , have no money to buy drugs that cure me, no friends , everyone I now used me , my family used me , my family did hurrible things to me , things I can’t say , or remember , I lost my memories , I don’t remember who I was , can’t say who I am now , I have no future , all the things in my life was someone’s else plan , I never did or sayed the things I want , I always react as they want me , I could killed for stupid things , my life purpuse is to serve people , this is the truth and it is hurt , I don’t know what to feel , I don’t feel things , don’t understand feelings anymore , I don’t feel alive , if i cummit suicide I don’t beleive I will understand what I am doing , don’t feel reality anymore , can’t feel the things I tuch.
Its not me
I want me
Its not me
I hate me
I love me
Its not me
This place that I dont belong to
Where is the place I belong to
No one care about me
The good deed I did
The other receive the happiness
No one remember me
You dont belong here
Dont you hear me?
The hell is your place to go
You hate everyone in this world
You hate yourself
No one care about you
No one love you
You are like satan
Since a kid you are just..
You crooked mind..
Die with us
Keep the sadness
Turn it into hatred
But Im here
No one see you
But they dont care
When you are normal and be doll to them
You will never there
You wont get what you deserve
Cause you dont deserve one
You are always alone
Im your friend
I always console you
And hold the darkness
You will see peace
No I kmow its not a peace
Its the hell
But at least..
You will not live in the pain everyday
I know what you said is a lie
But I know death is better than living like this
Cause at least no one knows what will happen next
They forget you
They live happily without you
They amile and laugh when you are gone
Im a satan
Am I ?
Yes I am
I’ve struggled for years but I still have a habit of dismissing myself insisting “It’s not that bad”.
I compare myself now to the way I was when I was likely in psychosis a few years ago.
I’ve only cried 3 times today….I could have cried for hours non stop.
I’m only scoring 48/76 on depression assessments… I’ve scored 56/86 before.
I’m over eating but I could be living on nothing it cookie dough again.
I’m getting 3-5 hours of sleep a night max but I could be running on 1 or less like I have in the past.
I know I’m not “healthy” and that I never will be but ignoring or dismissing my current feelings won’t help me.
This month marks a lot of things for me. I’ve made it past the anniversary of a few things but Halloween will mark 1 year since I was raped.
Halloween was the last holiday not tainted for me and well that’s not true anymore.
I’m in so much pain. It just hurts. I want to just dissociate from everything but I can never keep it up. Reality always comes crashing through.
I have extremely easy access to what I would need should I finally decide to die by suicide. It would take minimal planning. That gives me some comfort.
I’m over this life of mine…
I am working on ways to end my pain that I live with daily. I am slowly planning my suicide leaving no room for error because I need the attempt to work. I first of all need to draw up a will and have it legalised. That way all money from my super etc. goes to my husband for him to be able to support our children.
I can’t live with how I am feeling for much longer….just recently I have had family humiliate me and make me feel so worthless I know I am better off dead.
I can’t do this anymore
I don’t want to be ‘sick’ anymore or at least well enough I can resemble the things I want to be. Who I am is not my desire.
I’d like to work but I’m beyond just pushing myself and I’ve been denied disability.
I want to be the super mom I believed in but I’m not well enough.
I want to be able to stay with my significant other and not cry or have flashbacks about things he had nothing to do with.
I want to be all love and light.
I want to be so many things but my illness stands in my way.
Most of the time I can’t even want these things, I just want to be dead. I want the pain to stop.
I’ve been suffering for over 2/3 my life and I want it to cease.
I’ve been told I won’t get better and I’ve swallowed that hard truth. I will die with this pain and illness.
That’s not what I want but it’s inevitable. I’ve done everything I can think of but I’m still this way, this sore.
Please, powers that be, hear my plea. Do not let me wake up tomorrow.
Pain is normal and those of us experiencing chronic pain on a never ending basis know how hard it is to make friends, keep friends. Im lonely, and made a friendship, which turned out to nothing but lies. It took the edge off and gave me a chance to breathe. Now more lies has even shattered the way i would ignore everything just because I was so desperate for company and the distraction.now it’s over i’m finding the pain is worse, my whole body has tightened up, I grit my teeth so hard I break them. I want to give up on this shit life but have people who want me around, how do i get the courage to end this nightmare journey..it’s 17 years of pain, and other things are going wrong, I need out, but debate myself daily on how hurt other people would be, at the same time think of ways how to vanish and end it, no longer can i even think straight..had to just put type down or explode…for all of us struggling..I wish you well, good luck and Im sorry you too are living lives like ours
I can not get over it, that things will never be fair. I’m too sensitive about everything. I’m in chronic pain and Doctors could never help me. Or maybe I think I just couldn’t help myself. For 9 years I’m into this Depression and it just got worse. It started early in school, that I realized that something was not right. About me and the tiring reality to go to school everyday. Other Kids seemed so careless. I came too late everyday. It started with 5 Minutes, then 10, then 30 and sometimes I missed the first period. I think I must be a broken machine. I don’t agree on getting up to a specific time each day and work/go to school for many hours. What’s wrong with me.? I’ve tried to be more responsible but every problem crashing into me (I can’ get specific in this post, or It’ll be too long) just made that impossible. I try to shove the “probable laziness” on my aching body. But truth is: I’m in so much pain. And people that aren’t sick, can not imagine the extend of it. Others expect me to go to work, but how, if the simplest thing, to wake up and dress myself is already a drag. Am I broken to not “being able” to work.? I’ve tried a few things but at the end of the day I was so much unhappier and in higher probability to harm myself, than when I stayed at home. Society has made us believe, that we have no worth, when we can’t provide for money. Is that all we are.? Am I selfish to not being able to help my family.?
After months of despair and crippling loneliness, I’ve achieved the impossible.
Me, a kissless loser, found a real gem. Someone who actually cares about me, enjoys me and all my quirks, and tries to push me into bettering myself.
I was riding the high for months, it’s the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
All I’ve ever wanted was just somebody to share my time with, somebody I can just, finally open up to.
Someone to listen, to love me, and just care.
Of course I looked at myself a lot. A relationship can’t work, how can I expect anyone to love me if I can’t even love myself? That, and I’m a very needy person. The fact that I’m self aware of it means I can stop myself at times, but it doesn’t change the problem.
But I took the leap anyways. And now I’m being told how much better they feel having me here, too…
It’s just all been a damned emotional rollercoaster.
Right now I’m at the bottom.
The old thoughts creep into my head, adjusted for the new company.
“You don’t deserve them,” “You’re not good enough,” “What’s so special about YOU? There’s better people out there,” etc, etc…
It’s wearing me down, and though it felt good to talk about, it’s all that’s ever on my mind these days.
I feel it all the time, for every tiny thing that happens, there’s a thought, a shove that it’s all my fault.
My constant talking of it made one of my previous fears a reality. Talking about how sad and terrible I think I am just became enough, and affected their mood.
So I don’t talk about it anymore.
No more feelings, it’s not about me, it’s about them.
I have more thoughts along with it, thoughts of just ending the best thing that’s ever happened to me, because I’m just selfish and can’t deal with my own damned problems…
They say they love me, but I see nothing worth loving.
There’s somebody better out there, someone that isn’t just damaged goods like me…
It’s driven my mind into the ground.
Once again, I’m back to the peak, fantasizing, imagining how free I could be with a single pull of a trigger… Nobody would notice it, nobody would remember it. Family, sad for a moment but the benefits would be worth it in the end. For a long while, family was the only thing keeping me from blowing my brains out- but mainly location wise.
What stops me now is how crushed my other half would be without me…
I’m just useless, and boring, worthless and stupid.
I’m not talked to as often anymore, talk is repetition or small stuff. It’s both our first relationship, and we’ve both agreed that we’d just work with each other.
My problem’s just the same shit though.
I’ve tried to off myself once before, I’ve gone to multiple professionals and tried their damned pills, nothing works.
I was stupid to just think that love could fix it so easily.
Now I’m here with my soulmate, but my heart’s still broken.
I just want to spare them suffering me, having to listen to my drivel, even seeing me around…
There’s much better people out there.
First is the worst, but I’m not worth a damned tear…