For the past years, I’ve been telling myself “I hate my life”. I just dont like how things are happening, it’s getting harder for me. I feel like everything is in my way. I’m turning 20 this yr. We moved to CA about 6 yrs ago. I have difficulty making friends cause I think I’m weird and awkward. I also have anxiety that makes me nervous when talking to ppl, I am very shy person, I have no confidence, my self-esteem is very low. I want to change myself but I don’t know how. Living here in this country is hard for me, since I […]
To be quite honest I don’t know why I’m so tired. Exam week is over and I should be feeling relieved but I just feel as if I’m drained completely of energy. I can still function properly and all that in public but its getting harder and harder and I don’t know why. There’s this weight just hanging on me and I can’t concentrate on any of my school work at home or school.
My parents and friends haven’t noticed anything different about me so beginning to think that maybe its just all in my head and there’s nothing wrong with me. I don’t feel comfortable […]
My name is Scott, I’m a 21 year old male with anorexia, autism and depression.
I’m not really bothered in revealing my name as I’m going to be dead anyway.
I am very upset and bored with life and and I have decided to pull the plug. I don’t really have much of a future ahead of me as I am autistic so most employers will most likely not accept me. I have been anorexic since I was about 8 years old and it’s absolutely debilitating, I’m constantly out of energy.
I work 5 days a week as a volunteer worker and I don’t think I will be […]
I was anxious for a month. Every day I would wake up feeling anxious. Living in fear of when the next panic attack would take over. Then one day it went. I didn’t wake up anxious. I was so so relieved. Unfortunately, this only lasted a few seconds. Then I sunk into depression. A depression that keeps on going and is consuming me at a rapid pace. Its worse by myself. I can’t get out of bed for most of the day. I’m tired all the time. There is no point. I can’t stop thinking about dying. Sometimes when I’m with other people I feel […]
I have a feeling that I’m going to be the invisible girl on this web-site for now on. My last post that has gotten the most posting, let me un-iron some kinks to guys might have. I do not hate strippers personally by all means if you entertain mostly men while being mostly naked is your thing, then do it. I was expressing why I wouldn’t be a good fit like trust me, if I was to go into a strip to fill-out an application. I would get denied. I never said or believe that women should go back into the kitchen, and finally the […]
Started my first day of work, just sat at a computer all day doing on-line tutorials. I going to have some expensive bills to pay. Gotta paid to get my eyes check, and hopefully pass a physical. My blood pressure can not be any higher than 140/90, which it isn’t usually. It happened only one time, but I was eating unhealthy, smoking cigarettes, been angry the past few days, and was very nervous getting my blood pressure checked. I could feel my heart rate go up, then it was 140/92, but after that my other checks have been healthy. One time, I even got low […]
Lately I have been getting worse and the suicidal thoughts have been coming back into my head. I write poems when I feel depressed, so I just wanted to share this one, I wrote a couple nights ago.
The pain it stays
Sometimes for days and days
I feel death is looming
Feeling like I can’t do this anymore
Maybe it’s time for me to exit through the door
I am broken
I am broke
All they will ever say
“She couldn’t handle it”
Maybe its time
Time to say goodbye
Fall into the darkness
Say goodbye
Sorry mum
Sorry I was so weak
You deserved better
The family deserved better
I thought I deserved better
Turns out I didn’t deserve anything
I was a bit sceptical about this site at first. Then I read every post and thought to myself that I’m not alone. I was desperate to fix everything. I was hurt to see others hurt. I tried my best to help them and in the mean time I struggle with own troubles. I HATE to say this…but I HATE that particular person. And I HATE myself for hating her. I hate that I have to admit that I’m weak….I’m insecure. I hate everything. I live for years coping with anxiety and depression.
I met with several counsellors in my life. Now I’m 20 years old […]
I got hired. How the fuck did I get hired for a job, where I purposely tried to fail the interview? Either they’re desperate, or I suck at failing. I could just turn this job down, but I hope to get some dough to go to truck driving school, but even that is wishful thinking. Silly girl, still thinking that you’re going to go somewhere in life. Just wait, my parents will ruin it. How dare me try to make something of myself. Truck driving sounds more awesome than being a nurse, which my parents didn’t support either. They just want me working mediocre jobs […]
My case manager listed jobs for people that hate people. Two jobs that interested me was technical writing and being a truck driver. Doubt that I would ever get a job in technical writing, though I done take a class in it and got an A, but that was the easy class like a 200 level. I could be electrician, there are jobs for that. Truck driving was interesting. You get to travel the country and make 40,000 dollars, though it isn’t a job for raising a family for a could be single mom. I always fantasized about traveling the world with a transformer, and […]
Ludovico Einaudi is one of my favorite composers. I love playing his music. ^.^ Nothing has helped me deal with depression more than the piano has.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kU32Q9hfmCs
After so many days in quiet contemplation this past month has been the first time I have actually actively tried to live. There’s a few reasons here, and today’s thoughts are proof.
Let’s just stay in the present, I have written plenty on my past. Today I woke up and it started out with bad news(ish) that I wouldn’t be getting to work at my paying job. I like working there, I’m learning a skill, but on the other hand I’m glad for the rest and to set my own pace for most of the week.
I flat didn’t get a damn thing done the first 4 […]
I can see the reasoning behind keeping a site like this….well….discrete, I guess. But, you know, I’ve wanted, on a couple of occasions, to sign in and TALK to people (when I’ve been NEAR FUCKING KILLING MYSELF!!), but I can’t figure out how to fucking LOG IN so I can COMMUNICATE!!! WTF?!!!
There’s no LOG IN details when you visit this site! You may be DESPERATE – and you may well be RIGHT ON THE FUCKING EDGE AND DESPERATE TO TALK TO LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE, but……how the fuck do you GET IN!????????
I managed to log on ONLY because I inadvertantly clicked on somebody’s POST! Is that how […]
Mind like quicksand, but I try to stay above land.
Kaleidoscope of different scenarios. Life falling in a burial. Heart broken like shattered glass, not healing no mater how much time has passed. Haunted dreams every night, becoming weaker after every fight. Can’t distinguish what is real or in my head, every night laying on my deathbed. Anxiety, bipolar and PTSD, is slowly overpowering me.
Suicidal Thoughts but I’m afraid of death, continuous thoughts of how I will lose my last breath. Anxious, anxious all the time, but with meds they tell I’ll be just fine. Irritable, angry, sadden and scared, all through my mind […]
You used your words, I used my heart. I became unheard, you became a dart. I reached out, you pushed away. I started to doubt but I was forced to stay.
Growing a flower, supposed to be a blessing. but you had the power. And I was left stressing..
Far from family , no one but you,
Loss of gravity, my hatred grew.
You where supposed to be my happy ending, but this chapter was just beginning.
My flower blossomed, she is so beautiful, I became cautioned, you grew so pitiful. Yelling and abusing, but with no bruising. I tried to flee, your family didn’t […]
^ Puzzle ^ hint: look closer
Hello, friend. First post here, hope I won’t be too far off.
I have a bunch of problems, like most people I’m sure, but a particularly devastating one is computer addiction. I would say it is kind of like cyber dependence, but include more things, like programming. Slowly built my life around it, took computer programming courses, worked in that field and everything.
But then, reality kicks in at some point, ruined my health, made me almost a recluse. I think I have trust issues because of it, since I’ve had so little human […]
Today commemorates eight months since I have gotten the urge to turn to this forum. At my last visit, I was broken, and quite humorously, at this visit, broken no longer can summate my existence. In exactly one year, I have had few victories and so much pain and deception that I have crawled back into the safety of my introvercy. Since my last visit, (when I was a 18 year old bum, not attending school) I have made some progression. I currently work, go to school and volunteer regularly but my battle scars are still present, Scars that refuse to heal, scars which threaten […]