Family & Friends Effects

“I don’t know how you do it.”

“You’re so strong.”

“Most people couldn’t go through as much as you have.”

I’m not sure if it’s supposed to make me feel better or what. It’s like getting a gold star for having survived torture longer than “most people” could have, even though they haven’t been tortured in the first place.

And what’s the alternative? I mean, if you’re reading this, on this website, you know the alternative. But surely that’s not what these folks mean, right? So what else? They’d have a nervous breakdown and stop functioning?

I’ve done that. My body even started to shut down so I have to […]

Well, I’m home alone. Bad idea. Run or Suicide?

I woke up feeling okay. It lasted less than an hour. She is expert in bringing me from okay to suicidal in two seconds flat.

First it’s guilting me about the puppy, then it was crazy-making behavior that made my head spin trying to keep up… and now it’s her friend whom she invited to the birthday party she planned for me without asking me, is now going to be here early… which means I’ll have to wolf down dinner and not be able to digest it peacefully, which means my ulcer and gallbladder will be miserable all night… but who cares, as long as it […]

My birthday was two days ago. It’s a day I feel should be mourned rather than celebrated. So it’s just as well that it passed with only Her giving me a small cake, balloons, fake flowers, and two small gifts. And that horrible song. So awkward. But at least there wasn’t some pitiful attempt at a “celebration.” I literally have zero friends, and my aunt who is absolutely insane and emotionally abusive to me all my life was out-of-state, so I thought I got off easy.

This morning I was grateful that I was feeling okayish so far. I could tolerate existing, for the time being. […]