General

The last couple of days have really not been the best. To start I haven’t been able to contribute properly to the lab project. Every single thing is screaming at me that I don’t belong there. That I don’t belong at that school. That I don’t belong at that lab. That I don’t belong at that team. I’m not an engineer. I have a degree for one, but I’m not an engineer. I don’t know what I’m doing, Every concept is so beyond me. I’ll never be smart enough or good enough to be a proper […]

Do dumb people irritate you? Bc they irritate the SHIT out of me.

So this guy here in this video gets fired bc he took a day off when his daughter died, which happened to be Black Friday. And SO MANY fucking idiots in the comments are saying “it is not Capitalism!” “It’s not Capitalism!” Especially in this one thread. More than a few arguing saying it’s not Capitalism. The fact that they fired him bc he dared to miss a day of work, during Black Friday, is precisely THE DEFINITION OF CAPITALISM! Not only do idiots in the comments […]

I regret waking up. I just feel so low. So worthless. So stupid. Partially for the last few posts. Just shows how pathetic of a brat I am. A rotten brat. I should just go back to sleep and never show my face…

I hope my partner texts back soon, at some point… silence kills me. I know its probably all my fault anyway, but I just want to know if they’re alright, if they still even care… but moving on, because thinking of that for too long makes everything worse.

This weekend I’m going with my friend to see her family up at the lakes, a […]

I apologize at the outset, for blathering on about my utterly boring and unexceptional situation….. I simply lack anywhere else to go with it… social media is cut off and even if it wasn’t I doubt anyone I knew on there would care. Perhaps it is the same here, but at least my words don’t run away from me at 100 miles an hour…. I wonder how that idiom translates, like to metric countries; 100 kilometers an hour? Seems colder, less emotional.

I’ve been on a quest of sorts, I have a little less than two months until I go back to school. That’s not enough […]

Listening to Faster Kill Pussycat sung by Brittany Murphy. I loved how she was so weird and quirky before ‘quirky’ was even a popular word O_o.

Yeah I want to die. Answer 4 Farah. Reasons: Sad life. Health problems. Loneliness. Stupid people. Mental, emotional pain. Suffering. Drama. Limitations.

I’ve been so miserable since my birthday. I feel perpetually shitty and I keep exacerbating that by obsessively checking my messages to see if she’s replied or even read my text (she hasn’t). I don’t have anything going in my life either (aside from online school as I failed one of my classes.)

I guess I’m sad that she hasn’t replied or even read my message. I know it’s idiotic to feel that way since I haven’t actually “lost” anything by her not replying. I feel stupid for expecting anything too, considering it’s been nearly a year since I’ve spoken to her.

It’s taking […]

video

Nobody ever listens to me, god damn it. My mom guilt trips me about not being moved up here with her already, knowing shit has come up, and she still after years and years of compliance and being honest with everything she wants to know, apparently I am some liar that she can’t trust. But she won’t ever fucking say that, she’ll just say over and over and over how much she values honesty and none of her kids better EVER fucking lie to her. Forgetting all the shit she lied about for years.

My dad will bring up shit I *must* get done, […]

WHAT effing holiday is today? It’s June 10 in the USA. There is NO holiday today I know of but for some FUCKING reason, people are popping off firecrackers and shit left and right and it’s NOISY AF.

They need to ban that shit and have punishments for those who do them. It’s super loud, it’s annoying, and pollutes the air. Yes, the air STINKS now. I have the window and door closed and the smoke still seep in. But that’s also bc I have a shitty door and window bc this apt is a dump.

It’s not even […]

you’ve heard of people who can’t take their liquor, nicotine, THC or coffee perhaps. What I haven’t heard of until it happened to me is someone who couldn’t take social media.

This is 24 hours in the making, I made an initial emotional post about it… which didn’t actually talk about the direction I feel the need to prune in. It was about something I saw on social media, something sufficiently upsetting I won’t be revisiting it. It’s within the black box of a thing I don’t feel safe with in my life anymore; Twitter.

Now this isn’t the first social media I’ve cut out. I cut […]

Saw this one woman bawling down the highway in a car.

Theory 1) She’s going back to gel

Theory 2) She’s moving away from this dump

Theory 3) She’s singing

This is a short and probably unnecessary post. But I texted her. Nothing much, just Happy Birthday. It’s very early in the morning right now. I’m dreading her response, if any. I want her to reply but at the same time I don’t. I’m so anxious I think I’m going to throw up.

Edit: Spent the whole day anxious. I barely ate anything today because my throat constantly felt like it was closing in on itself. Paid attention to every vibration my phone made. Which isn’t many since I don’t get any notifications often. It’s 5:00pm now… Nothing at all… Hasn’t even read my text… Maybe […]

this is going to sound really melodromatic but after thinking about what ive been thinking about

i think that i dont think i should be loved

i dont deserve people to care about me

most people i know are muslim and even then im a bad muslim too

i dont deserve people to care about me, i dont deserve to be religious, i dont deserve to be anything except on my own

i work hard and there are people who look up to me and i make it seem like my life is so easy and im happy and you know, one of them people who seem like nothing could […]

being close to someone really is a weakness

I’m still in a fair amount of pain, don’t let me lie about that, but finding that others have found dignity in suffering, it makes me hope maybe I will as well. I’ve been holding onto this song for a few days, but it really takes an approach I like. Particularly “what does this rotten old society have to do with me?”, That sort of unabashed knowing one has fallen, but not taking shame in it, rather mocking those who are so easily placated.

The second one needs less introduction, just “those without dreams don’t get sad”…. which is my current life philosophy; hoping in things […]

my shitty ass abusive family. I am the way I am BECAUSE OF THEM. I fucking hate them. When you’ve been tortured, physically, verbally, mentally abused, and beaten by them on a daily basis since the age of 5, OFC you’re going to grow up depressed, suicidal, and fucked up.