General

My therapist said that I should take walks in order to get me out of my depressive mood. I took one today, but I don’t think it worked. It just made me ruminate more. I thought about what gives my life meaning. I want to good and competent and be useful as an engineer. I don’t know anything. I’m completely lost and without any skill. I’m worthless because I don’t try hard enough to improve. I thought that maybe being a good engineer would give my life meaning. But since I’m not a good engineer, then […]

So. Tired. Of. Feeling. Like. Shit. All the fucking time. All I want is to fucking die, yet pathetically I grasp this little thread of hope of peace and a better fucking life, knowing damn well it won’t happen. Knowing I deserve all this shit. Knowing I’m just sitting here rotting and all I am is a pile of fucking rot. And I’m sick of everything. And I’m sick of my fucking family, I’m sick of my “dad” who doesnt even give a shit about anything but his work and new gf and her family. I’m tired of listening to my family ***** about God knows what while I […]

Or ourselves? -_-

Why do some of us have to be deep thinkers? Thinking only leads to unhappiness and unrest.
Why do some of us want MORE in our lives? Wanting anything more than the status quo or mediocrity leads to unhappiness and unrest.

Why do I have to be so depressed all the time? Life just doesn’t feel full of energy and life. Life just feels tired and having to drag our heavy asses around just to do the basic necessities.

So this girl (wife of a friend) is a flight attendant. I don’t know anything about her but that’s not the point. All she wanted to do was become a F.A. so she can travel the world. It’s a great way to do it if you’re young and healthy and can withstand being on a plane all the time, which she is perfectly fine with. She recently got married to my online friend, they have a house together, he makes very good money, she makes ok money, oh yeah they live in friggin’ HAWAII (jealous). But anyway, they’re both very […]

Objectively, things should be going well. I’m five months out from starting grad school. I have enough to eat, gas for the car, self care items like toothbrush and foot cream.

I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel any of it. I don’t know how to make myself want to get up and go. I just got back from the store, which I did by myself. Upshot I got some things I probably wouldn’t have if I had been accompanied, but I was hoping it would energize me, but it’s draining me. I got myself a strong cup of coffee, but even that is failing […]

Well here’s yet another group I don’t belong to bc of my views.

I’m reading posts from the Chronic Illness Group and this woman really wants to have children, but says her parent’s are very against it, and she can’t understand why they can’t be supportive. Someone commented, and not in a mean way, asking, if you can’t take care of yourself, how can you take care of children? (OP wants more than 1). Commenter says even healthy able bodied mothers have trouble bc kids require a lot of energy- which they do. And commenter says what about days when you can’t […]

my 8th account because i keep forgetting the password and username !!! My prefrontal cortex has since developed just enough so that I realized I can put the login info in a text file. Anyways.

my friend is in bad place and i feel like everything i say to him is useless. whenever i try to help other people it just feels like when people used to try and help me and my head was just static and dissociation. I thought maybe say something bold to cut through the static, but, i dont really know what bold thing can be said thats gonna change a household […]

Imagine a world where everyone who wanted to die could, and had a magic potion/bottle that only they can drink (so you can’t murder ppl who don’t want to die). Suppose if everyone who wanted to die did, or could, what would this world look like? I would very much like to see this world, and actually wouldn’t want to die if that were the case. Like I’d wait for Round1 and 2 to happen first, to see how many miserable ppl are gone and see if life improves.

The reality of it is, many ppl are unhappy with their lives, whether it’s […]

There’s something extremely destabilising about not having a clear idea what you’re living for. If I examine the narratives I tell myself about what’s keeping me here, none of them are sufficient to help me to live a functional life.

I’m not killing myself because of a strong attachment to an unrealistic and idealised fantasy of a possible life (romantic love, inner peace, freedom from pain.) But if it’s obvious that it’s highly unrealistic, then what good does that do me? What does it give me to work towards, to motivate me to get out of bed in the morning, to get my life in better […]

I’m in recovery. All is but a dream. The white board is swiped clean.

For a brief moment, I thought that if I was nice and treated everyone with kindness, that things would work out for me. That all my short comings wouldn’t matter and that things would get better if I was just nice. That’s kind of dumb. To think that. Really if you think about it, that line of thinking doesn’t really make you nice. It means you are nice because you want something. It’s like those people who think that a girl would like them if they are nice to them. In my case I thought if I was […]

So apparently news came out recently that the Dalai Lama tried to get a boy to suck his tongue. This isn’t to the same level as Catholic priests raping little boys BUT wtf? And apparently he lived in OPULENCE in Tibet while the local Tibetans there live in abject poverty. And he was paid by the CIA. Oh, and he has a net worth of $150M. See, MSM just doesn’t tell you that. People are raised on pedestals and you only get one story. This “news” only recently broke out but the CIA stuff was known DECADES ago, […]

I have a lot on my mind as usual. But nothing that I haven’t said on here for the past few days. I thought I might share a post I never published. I wrote it on a .txt file and just forgot about it. I wrote it last year. School had just started and I wasn’t sure about a lot of things. It just goes over how much I hated getting my scholarship. Because of what happened because of it. Anyways:

I woke up with a headache today. My body ached all over. I felt the need […]

Recently two games I’m fond of got updates; Timberborn and Sons of the Forest. I only mention names so our discussion here can be grounded in something. Timberborn is the real star here, Sons of the Forest is after all only a few months into development.

But the devs for this project…. have no right to be as good as they are. The game goes for $25, full price. That is to say you can get it for $10-$15 if you can wait for a sale. I had 300 hours into it before the update, and already I’m up over 400 after the update. That’s how […]

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a crystal ball and peek into your future? If I can see my future, I can determine exactly what I should do now. Namely, if my life continues to be shit, might as well end it now instead of struggling to exist and getting through each miserable day/week/month/year/decade.

The ONLY reason NOT to do it now is the TINY shred of possibility that maybe life won’t always be shit, and if you off yourself now, then it’s a complete waste.