General

it’s rather late, but still, i would like to wish everyone an okay christmas and a better year. keep hanging on.

It could be called something different, for example if we wanted to talk about it neurobiolocially, it’s anhedonia, the inability to feel.

Point is though, this is becoming my default. It isn’t that I want to talk about it, it’s that if I don’t it’ll fester into poison which will slowly kill me. As in yes, where I am is unpleasant, but it could get worse.

I think it comes back to the finiteness of reward, and the specificity of my tastes. I don’t get pleasure from the majority of movies, same is true of games. Finding one that hits that motivation core is a wonderful experience, […]

-My mom says that I have been a kind person since I was a child.

-I believe that I became empathetic after my friend killed himself after an argument we had.

-Now I’m not really sure why I care so much about others, but I’m starting to hate it.

-I’ve always hated it, I just never realized it. It was and is ruining my life. I haven’t tamed it yet. yet.

-For the past 3 years, a good chunk of my friends (mostly online) have had mental problems that were put onto me.

-I thought that I shouldn’t let my friends death go to waste and use all the things […]

I’ve wasted my life. And I’m too old to fix it. I’m sure there’s plenty I can do to improve things, but I’m never going to catch up on all those years of relationships and formative life experiences. And I see that more clearly on the rare occasions I’m actually around people. Which makes me not want to be around people. But I need to be around people in order to improve my life. And so the cycle continues.

It’s so hard to accept – being socially non-existent. Having nothing to say for yourself. I just sit there and wait for the ground to swallow me. […]

That’s pretty pathetic. I feel horrible day in and day out. Got my method prepared and I’m just worried if I fail. Because afterwards my life will be a living hell indeed. Lost my job a while back and can’t keep up with payments and I’m threatened with lawsuits. I can’t take this anymore. It’s not even that big of an amount in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I’m spiraling. I don’t know what to do. I don’t see any way out anymore. It’s Christmas Eve and the only thing I’m thinking about is how to properly end things and when and […]

It’s -30 degrees, and I felt at peace.
Thought about how hard the walk is, how cold it is. Thought about my hands and toes which still hurt.

Wondered if I could make it to the coffee shop.
And I made it.
So I’m sitting here, wondering how treacherous the walk back will be. I wonder if I can get a ride to work tomorrow.
It’s funny how we wonder about everything else except the present moment.

The yumminess of the sandwich I’m eating and the warm coffee that’s filling my belly.
The joy of how peaceful it is right here, where […]

I think my issue is that I always feel like since I have a lot in my head, that I need to pour it all out here when I post. I think I just need to write the short thoughts I have for some posts. Lately I found that I’m trying to find meaning in every little thing so that I may have an answer on how it will go. Every small action, down to a coin flip, I try to find an answer in to my problems. I don’t think that’s how it works. Even though I did ask […]

I havent logged on in a very very very long time. i suddenly get flashbacks from before and i think about how long of a way ive come. sometimes i want to feel like that again, when my life starts getting harder again.

im here to just say that, my mindset has changed. when im sad, i let myself feel that way. and i grow from that. i know this might just be cliche and all, but it took me years to finally have this mindset. and something ive realised is, no matter how many people give you advice or tell u to stop hurting […]

This time of year, there’s a lot of feelings around. Personally, I dislike feelings, especially when it is me feeling them.

All the same, I can’t help but look around and think things are pretty nice. We just got back from the store and bought enough food to make it through the incoming cold snap. All food that sounds good to me, which is a challenge these days.

So I’m basically holed up in my little house, most of the time in my little office. I have a space heater, so it is current 77 degrees in my office, just lovely. My favorite dog is sitting on […]

I was shaving. The landline rang downstairs. I heard her voice, almost gullibly saying ” pin  number”. This sounded like one of those fucking banking scam phonecalls to me. I leapt down the stairs like an olympic athlete, three steps at a time. ” Gimme that phone ” I said before she could be do any damage. I had guessed correctly, there was some indian piece of shit on the other end .  ” Hello sir, I ringing from bank of Ireland,O’Connell street, Dublin, republic of Ireland” said this piece of shit. ” Thank you my friend, and there’s a problem with the account and […]

how did things go so wrong in just a short amount of days?

i want to get out of here, please, for the love of god. we lost the house we were going to move to because they rented it out to other people while under contract, so now im stuck with a shitty brother and a shitty neighbor.

and with the rise of ai art.. art with no soul.. no compassion or understanding, just mangled messes now threatening my future- or at least the future i think i wanted to have.. i was never really sure on what i wanted to be in the first place. […]

I keep on trying to write down my thoughts. I think that by writing them down and trying to piece them out, I’ll feel better. I know this isn’t the case. It’s almost time for me to go to school again. Every day closer just makes me more anxious. Will I be able to pass my graduate courses? Will I be useful in the lab I’m supposed to work at? Will the internship work out? If this and if that. On and on and on. It drives me nuts. The anxiety is like a […]

Most people probably don’t think about this. People keep living everyday, thinking that their lives mean something; that their lives have meaning or purpose. Most people are even too busy with each their own survival mode everyday, which in today’s world/era, it usually means people are busy making money, whether it’s work, or run a business, etc etc etc.

Most people in this world are oblivious or ignorant to this harsh reality, that we are all basically just little speck of dust on this planet, let alone universe. I always use the illustration of ants: Some ants live, some ants die (from getting trampled, crushed by […]

I like being alone and prefer it
Yet sometimes I feel so lonely
I feel like I’m no one’s top person
Not even my SO’s who i live with
I don’t matter, I’m not the first to come to mind when something happens
My existence is just that
I could be in a room of people and still feel lonely
Just a complete disconnect from everyone
I hate myself so much that I want to die
I can even make an “okay” day bad
I’m the problem and I don’t want to fix it
My only want is to die
I don’t want to be […]