General

convos with anyone are getting scarce, it feels weird to talk when im in call with a friend or when talking to one of my family members, mostly because i hardly use it nowadays.

so silently, im sinking in stress and puddle of sadness i made for myself. i wanna cry out for help, but would it be worth it? does anyone really care enough to reach out and say “you mean alot to me”? do i mean anything to anyone? i have friends, but i hardly talk to them. the only time people talk to me is when they want something from me. i feel […]

Not sure how to post, first time

I have decided that it’s time for me to go. For most of my life, I have pretended that everything was well and tried to convince myself. But there was always a whole that is growing bigger and bigger. Now I feel constant pain, anxiety, sadness. I don’t want to keep fighting it, I made peace with myself and my choice. I know that I’m going to make many people very sad and they will not understand my choice but I’m already making them sad today by being constantly unhappy and toxic.

I have already decided on how […]

I took them like candy as I wrapped the noose around my neck maybe she would care maybe she would answer if you saw what I was doing but I found I was wrong and that all I would get was a text. She told me a text was all she could give and that her friend’s time was important. That’s all I was my life had been reducing to less than a moment in someone’s timeline. Just like that, I had been thrown away to the back burner by someone I loved someone I trusted someone I thought would be there in my time […]

as of lately i have realized that i have not hidden the fact that i want to die. i have realized that it resides on the way my face rests and the way my eyes shadow darker every day. the way i carry myself and the way i talk about my future. the way i act and rashly make decisions. it’s not hidden and its out in the open. upon figuring this out, i have asked myself why my mom doesnt see it. why she doesnt,,,,,look. and i realized that she does see it. she sees it clearly but does not do a thing. she […]

It’s been a while since I wrote on here. But I need a release. I feel so alone. The most alone I’ve felt in a long while. I don’t know how else to deal with this feeling, so I’ve resorted to what feels most comforting to me. Just like it used to. I almost forgot how to write my emotions down. I just shrug them off and move on. But it feels like everything I’ve shrugged off has just been dragging at my feet. And now this are difficult for me. I can’t carry my weight, I’m dragging my feet. My heart feels heavy. 
But […]

I am trash, here’s why.
Not only am I fat, (316 pounds of true fatness) but i am ugly (face/body is not symmetrical and symmetry is beauty) and a woman. A womans worth is seen by her attractiveness. However much it sucks, that is a true fact in this world. So I am garbage. By looking at me you’d think what most people on the internet think. That I’m a pig who stuffs her fat face constantly and lazy. The truth is I log everything I eat and have records for months and months that I don’t break 1400 calories a day usually and […]

…you are constantly striking out? And I don’t mean in the patriarchal sex way but like in every conversation I have, the things that i am trying to say get interpreted in a different way than how I intended and the other person won’t tell me what they heard or how they feel when I ask. I feel broken, like maybe there is a part of humanity that I am missing. I know we are all having a hard time and I hope we can find ways to move at the pace of love, talk things through and assume good intentions. When people dehumanize me […]

Just wanted to say it again.

Since starting antidepressants, it’s easier to face challenges in my life. No chalky lungs for a mind. I can take a deep breath and feel like the future holds something warm and deserving if I keep pushing those steps.
I’m not smoking 3 packs a day.  I’m not stuck in nightshift. So much has changed, yet it’s hard to give myself any cred. I feel so much better than I did during coronavirus. I noticed that when I stop taking them for a couple days, my emotions crash, and I get a little sobby.  I hate that the most when I run out of them.

It’s been… quite a week. A friend recommended me to work with them, my car broke down, and my parents decided to take a more active role in my life, and we got our tax return. I get that most of that is good news, but I just feel overwhelmed. I was supposed to be doing a self esteem journal, but that fell apart on Monday. I want so hard to satisfy others, but even now that’s a struggle.

Now I’m doing that thing, where I sit absolutely still and try to imagine I’m anywhere but here. It feels like my soul leaves my body, a […]

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I don’t know if the people I knew are still here. I hope they are doing well. I first came to Suicide Project on 2012 or 2013. Since then, I went to university, graduated, bought two cars, built myself a nice house and now I own an accounting firm. Still, I keep coming back here occasionally.

And how here I am again. I can’t escape from this fate… This is where I belong.

What am I supposed to be? What am I? I think a lot. Today I was riding the bus back home and I saw a small toddler and his mom (I assume). All I can think was “Whatever you do, don’t grow up. Stay a kid as long as humanly possible. Whatever you do, stay small.” This is a pointless story, but it’s just something I thought about. I try to remember a time where things weren’t sad. Where I thought to myself, I’m not completely worthless. Sometimes I’m too scared to even more. […]

I always wonder Everytime that, maybe I’m not really suitable to this world… I feel like i was just forced to live here…

And everytime i think about it… i always thought of suicide…

I’m 16 years old, doing school… But i don’t attend classes.. it’s just i feel like i don’t belong to this place… i want freedom, peace of mind.. i want to be free, i want to do whatever i want as long as i can do it…

But everytime I’m attempting to suicide, i always think about “what will happen to my parents? will they cry? will they be happy? what about the […]

i’m not a good person. i could be recovering now but i want to stay where it’s safe and that’s all because of who i am and how i was brought up. i want someone to come in and fix it for me. i just feel nothing generally because i’ve always protected myself from feeling anything. i guess i try to help some people sometimes and i am creative but i don’t feel like anything is worth going through. i’m depressed because i want to be happy and i want everyone in the world to be happy and i want the world to be fixed […]