General

Having a goal and finding that you’re somewhat good at something really helps. Although I don’t want to get better, I can’t help it. I haven’t felt this neutral in years, in winter, with this rainy, dark, weather. I don’t know how it is happening but I think I am getting better. I expected to be disappointed again. It really sucks saying this and many people, as much as they’ll understand will be offended by this. I don’t want to get better, if I stop being…who I was, I won’t be happy either. I expected so much worse. Seriously reconsidering how much of a idiotic […]

It is like a puppeteer and i its puppet. Its nothing more then a game. And im losing…

To give it nothing to put on an act for, am i only falling into its trap?

“To choose between your demons and the person who held you down, girl”

Its been 3 days. I havent said a word….

And neither have you.

Youre probably happy. You probably wish i didnt come back. You tell me you love me. You tell me that you care. But im nothing but problems. You say you look past all of that, but that doesnt mean i dont drain you.

You havent checked on me. I never not message you. Giving me space? Or im right and you dont care. Maybe you did at one point, but one person can only handle so much and i know im too much.

I wish i was dead. Then no one would have to put up […]

i do think that i must be doing something wrong, because there’s just no way life’s supposed to be this miserable.
my head feels warm and foggy; i can’t remember what it feels like to not have a headache lol

You knew not to check. You knew checking for a message would make you check more. You’re doing so good, just don’t talk to them. I don’t know how to not talk to them

When you can’t do shit, life is either telling you to kill yourself, or suffer.

Wanted to enjoy that show you decided you’d like? Nope! Triggers. You can’t watch that.

That game you’ve been working on the past 2 days straight? All that hard work and most of what you collected? GONE!

Why do I bother with anything? There’s no point if everything I work at, if everything I like, gets shoved in my face like I’m a clown and my likes are a pie….

The villagers in my game even rejected me….. There was a dance and everyone said no. The gifts I tried to give to make […]

I can’t enjoy anything without being triggered. There is no life when you can’t do anything :'(

Curious to know what suicidal people watch to feel better, or at least distract themselves

I usually like to watch heavy stuff that forces you to think without getting too depressing, like 2001 A Space Odyssey or on the lighter side, Being John Malkovich

Can’t stand romcoms, you can probably guess why [spoiler alert: alone & miserable]

what do you guys like to watch when you’re having one of those days?

i never really understood what its like to feel depressed or be diagnosed with depression. Im not diagnosed with it but i- i feel like i am but no one really believes me they just think im sad and that life will be fine again but no. I felt this pain and hurt and emptiness in me for 2 years and subconciously ive been struggling to cope with this and somehow everyday its getting worse. Sometimes i’ll feel better and i’ll think im fine but then it comes back and i start to break down and feel so not motivated to live anymore. Its like […]

Everyone could get what they want. I wouldn’t have to live like this anymore and no one would have to know I’m gone.

If I make more then 1 everyone could have their own me…

Nothing is for me. Nothing is mine. Not even my own life.

Mostly I just want to not experience this anymore. I’m the bad guy in my own life, but I don’t know how to stop. You always think of the villain in a story “Why don’t you just stop being like that? Just stop being such an asshole.” Just stop. Simple.

But I still have these emotions and thoughts, even when I’m not acting on them. I still want to do bad things, deep down. I don’t know how to stop that. Or how to want to stop. How do you stop yourself from wanting something? How do you amputate off your deepest emotions and drives? Where […]

Gotta dance

Ya gotta wait

Gotta try,

Gotta fail,

You gotta blow your brains out

You gotta weep,

Gotta cry,

Gotta suffer,

Gotta die,

You gotta blow your brains out

Gotta put that bastard down,

Gotta top your self off,

Give the dice a roll,

Bust your spinal cord,

You gotta lose control!!!!

AAAAAÀUUUUGH!!!!

you gotta mask,

Cause bye and bye,

We are all slated to die,

The world will pull your soul out,

Turns all smiles into frown,

Deeper than any previous down

I’ve always struggled to talk about my paranoia, because it is a weak part of me, and I don’t like projecting weakness.

Nevertheless, this one thought has gotten too loud to ignore; I’m terrified of becoming a cult leader.

Here’s where I feel really strange, really out there. That’s not a normal fear at all. Yet, from an early age I’ve been fascinated by cult leaders and other powerfully charismatic leaders. It’s like a bank account that never runs out, interesting, but dangerous.

Everywhere you see one of these people, you will see the human suffering toll in their wake. I’ve been looking, and I am yet to […]

I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to want. I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t know why I should be alive. I am 22. I am going to University for engineering. I am working on my senior project. I’m not particularly good at it. I don’t really know what I’m doing. The only really good thing I know to do is get people who knows what they are doing. That’s honestly the only thing that I’m good at. Bullshitting. I don’t know where am I going. I am applying for […]

Quitting is for my passion now. I cant improve my palate if im destroying it.

I can tell that theyre unsettled and have yet to be laid to rest.

Theyre the prisioners rattling their chains.

Silently screaming to be heard.

To have understanding.

I hope one day they will be able to rest peacefully…

(For anyone curious or my future self reading this, its about my memories.)

I’m just sharing thoughts. From the perspective of a lost soul, unable to be free:

I got something to do, something that is supposed to be done by me. I’ll probably know what when the time comes…

Life ain’t this bad, it just temporarily feels unbearable, but with time it will get better. Maybe a normal life awaits, with love and children ( this is unimaginable in current state, but hey, I can dream).

This is a plan of god, so that the ones remaining true may enjoy eternity in heaven ( I personally think this one is good for a joke)

I will live to see something worth […]

pain. that’s all i feel. emotions are long forgotten. i don’t know what’s happening around me. everything just fucking hurts. every bone in my body is filled with agonising pain and it just won’t fucking stop. screaming doesn’t help. self harm is starting to not help. how is it ever gonna get better? i just want out. i want it to stop. i need it to stop

Sometimes I feel like there is no point in living because I feel like all people are bad. I feel like society only cares about looks and they are so mean when someone isn’t skinny or fits the beauty standard. Or they are probably racist or homophobic or something, they care about money over people. There are times when I just hate everyone, everything they do just irritates me and it’s like everyone is just so stupid. I know that I’m not a good person either, and probably only feel this way because I hate myself, but at least I don’t judge people over insignificant […]