General

A day or two ago there was a mass shooting in the nearest large town. That doesn’t happen round here; hardly anyone has guns, and its pretty rural. When I hear about this kind of thing on the news, I always struggle to understand the mindset of the murderer.

I can totally get feeling hatred and anger toward society; even wanting to hurt people. I’ve had fantasies about wiping out the whole of humanity; just so I can finally be free of the fear of others. I can even understand lashing out in a moment of rage or despair. So I think I get some of […]

im wondering if maybe its being handled all wrong. when trying to recover it seems people are expected to just change. theyre expected to just go from pulling the trigger (figuratively with pun intended) to just start working towards everything being ok. maybe that isnt the answer. maybe there needs to be a break period in between. something calm, away from the problem. a place where they can work on an in between. not recovery but not thinking about suicide either.

this idea most likely wouldnt help everyone but im sure it would help a lot considering how overwhelming and enclosing it must feel.

im wondering if […]

Everyone takes advantage of the ‘weak’, vulnerable and ‘dumb’. Yeah, there’s a reason why I put those in inverted commas…

Yes, everyone. It’s just done in different ways. Sometimes it’s rather subtle!

I dislike nearly everyone.

Oh and the last one… if society doesn’t see you as ‘normal’, you’ll be garbage in their eyes.

So Titles are back. But what is this Subtitle thing? I don’t see what I wrote on the subtitles line on the posted posts anywhere.

I see that paragraph delineations are still not back, so everything is still one long run-on post without proper spacing.

We also got a new Post Views. I suppose it’s nice to see how many views, but I suppose it’s also crushing when you see that no one (or very few) have clicked on your post. But considering most posts get very few comments, I suppose seeing how many views is nicer.

All these decades of pain and agony could have been avoided had I never been born. No doubt there is more agony to come. Especially when old age comes.

JFC isn’t that the worst hell- slowly dying of old age diseases and problems. That sh*t actually scares me. Has anyone watched documentaries on old people dying? Where they film the death in stages, 1 yr before, 6mo before, 1 mo before, 1 week before, etc. Anyway, I find it f*cking cruel that they won’t allow us to just take a pill or give us an injection.

How […]

I want to sincerely thank the admins for returning me the ability to put titles on my posts. It is a little comfort that I previously took for granted, but now understand the frailty and value of.

I started writing this as a comment, and then I realized that it was going to be more of a thought than a tangent, and here we are.

My wife this evening [last night?! what does one put at 4 AM?] made a remark that put it all in perspective I think;

“I often wonder what my life would be like if I was doing what I was meant to.”

As an […]

I want to roll one but i have therapy later. Of course i dont even want to go therapy but some people think its good for me. Im so fucking tired of being ‘that one’. And yet i laugh knowing it was just fact that i was suicidal in HS. Cuz yeah, thats a trait everyone wants attached. “Cute, pretty, smart, funny, suicidal……”

Im leaning towards f*** it *eyeroll* i dont even want to be bothered with life, why should i care. (Rhetorical)

No one ever listens… Especially when you need them to.

So not super long ago I got the first boyfriend of my life, and I mean FIRST, I’m 20 years old, and dating has never been a priority for me, I’ve never had depression despite everything that’s happened to me.

I was molested as a child and sent into foster care where I was abused, then when my parents got me back I was abused even more, my dad is a drug addict and my mom is verbally abusive, the physical abuse with my parents didn’t start until my sister moved out.

I’ve always just been focused on being […]

I had visual and tactile hallucinations before , but recently I noticed that drinking little coffee causing me to hallucinate so badly , I can know if I was hallucinating,  but it became worse when I have both tactile and visual hallucination and I panic , and they look real , I also had headaches,  I don’t use either drugs or alcohol  or even nicotine,  I eat healthy , I was wandering if there is some drugs in the coffee ,  because it is suspicious situation  , waiting for a response.

Almost 9.5 years. Ha. My mental health has officially reached a low low.

Bull shit attempts. So many. In the 9 years. Now…im just tryna hide this void.

I run warm but lately im always freezing looking for anything to comfort me

I dont even care

I almost crash my car everytime i drive now and i dont even do it intentionally it just happens and instincts kick in and recorrect

I predicted the mass depression from the pandemic

Transitioning to work at home
I learned recently the free time that it […]

i wish i knew how to explain it but i have no idea where to start. it just doesnt feel real

But I truly find this video comforting… it’s been a while since it was something I often had the pleasure of hearing in the background. I still feel these feels, and I think this particular grouping of songs just grabs at me … pain/love/fear/anger/sadness (the awful clenching sadness); worry…. Worry worry worry.

hardcore confusion.

DOUBT

beauty.

understanding?

excuse me while I fly away by the seat of my pants.

I don’t know if I’m enough.

I don’t know what I deserve, but I think most people around me deserve better. I am hurting, and I think most people are in some way

sometimes it’s all too real

you know?

I used to be a nihilist (and even still somewhat do sometimes, when necessary or required to be). But as the time goes by, and I get much older now (I’m almost 40), and seeing the reality of our world, society, life, & existence, I’ve now turned into a pessimist (not just a simple pessimist, but more into philosophical pessimism, you can google & look it up if you want).

Nowadays lately, I’ve noticed that a lot of people mostly got into what’s called an “Optimistic Nihilism”. But I strongly disagree. And here is my main argument:

Unless if you’re lucky or fortunate, […]

I find myself planning my death every week or two. Each one more comforting than the last, there’s but a single reason keeping me from carrying these plans out. I do love my wife, more than anything I want to spend my days with her, doing nothing at all, and yet I still find myself alone and struggling to find pleasure in life. Not because i have no one, everyone in my life are very open with each other and i do believe my wife and I understand each other to the core.

But every day, i fantasize about her death. For no […]

I feel so desperate for  a way out I don’t know what else I can do I’ve put up with more than I can handle I never wanted to be engaged again or be a mom then I was excited and happy until everything keeps happening I resent him the past wrongs he’s done keep coming up with the new even tiny things and it’s piling on I love my daughter but it’s all too much sometimes I just don’t know how much more I can take she is the only reason I haven’t tried anything but im starting to feel it’s my only way […]

:: Relief? Or Fata Morgana ::

Disclaimer; I’ve been told that my writing is overly complex, and frustrating to read. Thus, if these things are a problem for you, press the back button on your browser and spare yourself the horror of my mad philosophic ramblings. Else, let’s go.

My life is dominated by waiting. As in, it used to be just a few things, now it is quite a lot. At the moment I’m unemployed, feeling a little frustrated about finances, but I have stuff to do. The point, I think, is that I step back, stop needing my life to follow my plan. Go with […]