General

So much of it comes back to that I’m not sufficiently sorry, I’m not ashamed. I look at what I am, and by all accounts the thing I am was something I used to feel bad about. That’s just something I’ve been getting over.

I was going to lead with the German version of “Someone has to be Krampus”, but then I remembered this existed and thought it was a better choice for the moment. Where did the shame go though? I remember thinking there was something wrong with me, and I did all the corrective actions back when I believed there was something wrong with […]

Significant parts of me want to do terrible things. Am I ever going to? I highly doubt it. I may sometimes feel like I want to, but I don’t actually want to become the person who’s done such things. If that makes sense.

I don’t want to have to experience being on the other side of having done them. Having to deal with the awareness of what I’d done, and see myself that way. Then again, I don’t want to deal with the awareness of the things I’ve already done, and who I am right now. But I assume it would be even worse.

Possibly not. Possibly […]

can you be happy if you completely disregard people and how they influence you? can you be confident in living selfishly, without allowing the judgement of others to seep into your mind? i wish to be fearless.

I guess I still am.

I really thought I knew what I was doing. I really thought it was okay and maybe it is but I just feel so alone because of my rebellious ways.

I was supposed to play by the rules. I saw others play by the rules and they were rewarded for it.

But I never felt eligible for the game. I don’t think people truly know until they know. It’s like watching an episode of ‘60 Days In’ versus actually doing time in jail. You don’t really know until you know.

Its weird when some young people think I’ve somehow been through less or that […]

Break is almost over.

Still have stuff I need to do.

Lost a game save I didn’t back up. Deleted the few games I have in frustration.

Don’t even know why I started gaming again after I said I’d stop to begin with.

I may as well save my money, not get a new GPU and CPU when I have working parts currently and just try to fix the computer so it isn’t so noisy.

Not sure what to do now, now that I’ll try to cut games out again.

Maybe watch anime, focus more on computer repairing and […]

I realised that it’s time to accept who I am, and I don’t need to follow anyone else’s footsteps. I need to be free from my parents’ expectations and live the life that I want to. People can’t change me, but I will still put myself out there, even if my actions look weird to people.

I was having a conversation with my mother and grandmother and they revealed something about me when I was a child. My grandmother told me that I used to play with her cards and rings and lay them on the ground, almost organising and placing them in a […]

I’m pretty sure I read a post I wrote with the exact same title and “theme” I guess you would call it. Read it a little while ago. Anyways I don’t have any of it. I got back into the lab this Tuesday. Even then I don’t have the motivation to really go at it like I did in December. I’m missing the January deadline for sure. There’s just no way. I’m running out of motor boards to burn out even after stripping the old robot from the previous team. I felt mega guilty about it. […]

Anyone else find themselves having contradictions within themselves?

My brain forces me to follow my old ways with things, because it follows patterns. For example ever since I was a child, I was quiet and introverted probably from some trauma or illness, who knows. And here I am still quite and unable to open up in real life. Yet my heart tells me that it’s wrong and I should better myself. I.e. socialise more. I do also think that family pressure is affecting this though, because they always compare me to others and expect me to do certain things like go out to parties and what […]

I’ve been on SP for like 3 years, lurking until now. I’m here just like all, if not most of you are; depressed, suicidal. I think I’m finally ready to open up here, at least it’s somewhere…

Okay, uh, where to begin. This isn’t going to be organized as far as I’m aware, not much organization but hopefully by keeping that in mind I’ll organize things more this time:

I was supposed to immediately start applying for jobs back in late November or so. Er, not really, in that such a thing did not happen even though at the end of the day the same things were barring me from taking the same courses of action and I had to jump through the hoops anyways to begin with, whatever it was I kind of wasted time there ultimately. Primarily in terms of not […]

Fortunate enough to have PTO to cover me this week.

I was able to find a therapist. Finally got an appointment for the first time in years tomorrow, we’ll see how it goes.

Looked for computer parts to upgrade my setup, found nothing. But I felt better going outside and looking for computer parts instead of staring at a computer screen for 8 hours at work.

Broke my 2 month long sober streak, drinking all now.

Feeling a bit dissapointed atm. Not sure of the person I’ve become unfortunately. Things are better in some aspects, worse in others.

I just […]

Just thought I’d post something funny and light-hearted.
Hope at least 1 person gets a chuckle out of this:

The last time I was in the lab was Sunday. Tomorrow is Sunday. I have already accepted the fact that I will miss the January deadline. Even if this didn’t happen, it wouldn’t have really mattered. In retrospect, this was probably good. I hadn’t had a long break this winter, so this was probably for the best. Unfortunately all I did was watch YouTube and worry about the stupid robot. So even as a break it sucked. I did get to sleep late though. That was nice. I tried to do some writing but maybe […]

I can’t imagine anyone really knowing me, understanding me, seeing me, and still wanting to be close to me. And that’s something I have this fundamental longing for. To be seen, to be loved, to be accepted, to be held. To be ok. In the eyes of others, through my own eyes. To be acceptable. And I can’t imagine ever getting to that point, no matter what I do.

Even if I spent the next 20 years successfully resisting my worst impulses, and pulled myself together enough to do some real good in the world. Even if I really tried to be someone I’m not ashamed […]

I tried to kill myself again today. I’ve felt so bad these past few days. I’ve felt so angry, so miserable, and so lonely. I wanted to make new friends this new year, so I joined a bunch of Discord servers to make friends. But no matter where I went I was out of place. I felt like such a loser that I couldn’t even make friends online. I’ve tried to cope by doing things like writing or drawing when I feel bad, but I always end up feeling worse because nothing I ever try turns out correctly.

I couldn’t take it anymore and tonight I […]

More than anything, I want to go back. Regain my innocence. Regain my hope. Take a different path through life. Never see the things I’ve seen, never discover the things I know. Be an optimist till my dying die, even in the face of death.

There’s no going back. There’s only forward. Even if you could somehow transport yourself to a past setting and time, you would remain who you are now moving forward. You couldn’t transport yourself back into your former self, without replacing that self. There may in some sense be the past “you” that still exists, somewhere. But there is no way of […]

some things drive me to true and complete madness, like a starving man tortured with pictures of food, or a thirsty one given images of water, and it’s this;

There are a few dozen fat billionaires currently setting up their lives, they have nothing better to do than build rockets and fund AI. Ruining lives is all they do.

Meanwhile there’s a piece of woods sitting out there for $106,000 and if I had it I’d be a lot less angry at life. I could build a little cabin on it, and a pole barn, and get some stuff done….. that amount of money to one of […]

The deep friendship that allowed me to open my heart had to end. She and I were passionate about art and found deep meaning in it that also deepened our friendship. However, an artwork I made last year depicted two people caring for each other. It was pure and innocent. However, these two people were naked (to symbolize vulnerability) and she took it as something sexual, which our friendship was strictly not. I understand nudity can bring sexual thoughts. The people in the artwork were inspired by us, but not us at all. I thought that was the end of the discussion.

One year goes by […]

The last few months have felt that way. Thinking back to late September early October, I can remember my never ending time spent at the lab working towards submitting for a conference in October. I failed. Then I kept working. I failed to finish my Thesis by December. Then I kept working. I am going to fail submitting to the January conference. Going back to thinking about my summer internship, that feels like a million miles away now. Thinking about last January and the terror I felt at only having a year left feels like a million […]