General

Downward spiral,

falling forward,

depression wave is tidal,

the ache is suicidal.

let me off the ledge,

a life lived on edge,

anxiety out of control,

the hell has swallowed me whole,

wallow as I wake,

I can’t take another day.
Too broken to ever unbreak.

The coos cold echoes,

sweet terrible whispers,

life feels pointless,

I feel subjugated.
yet there is tomorrow,

and tomorrow, and even a tomorrow after that.
It feels impossible to be comfortable,

it makes each breath a painful exhale,

it makes each smile feel hollow,

wishes spent and moot over birthday cakes,

and it takes.
life takes.

yet there are moments to live and feel alive,

and when they come full circle,

we again rise.
(A response to hopelessness)

I often find myself wondering: is there some other version of me, amid the countless alternative universes, who is able to interact with others in a functional way. And if so, what are the differences that allow them to do that? Are there things I could learn, so that I too can deal with people without  behaving like a pathetic weirdo?

It feels like a disposition I was born with. So maybe all the versions that share my dna are isolated losers. But perhaps some had some life experience that jolted them out of that. I don’t know what that would be. What would it take […]

In the end we all die anyways. The only thing we can control is when and how.

Conversation I had and my thoughts:
Question: How have you been feeling lately?
Response: Better.
Unspoken truth: I’m still suicidal, just not drowning in a pit of despair like I was. I don’t feel the urge to jump in front of a semi right now. The sinking feeling has lessened. That’s still better than I was though.

Question: What about the other thing, are you still cutting?
Response: Yes
Question: Why?
Response: I don’t know.
Unspoken truth: I love the feeling, the pain, and the feeling of relief […]

Not so dear P,
You wanna help me? Huh? You wanna fucking help me? Then stop whispering from that little shadowy corner of my head. Just have some balls and take control over me. Stop giving me those minute rays of hope like they’re helping me. They fucking suck. Your little hopefulness just messes up my mind even more. Just don’t speak if you don’t have any voice. If you really wanna help me then take control over me, fully. Kill your rival– negativity. What? You think this is too hard? Ok then I am a genius so I have a solution for that […]

no one deserves this much pain.

I really should stop doing it. Every time I open my mouth I hate myself a little bit more.

there i went, fucking stuff up again. i really would be better off dead

friend: if youre reading this ( i know you arent. i dont even know why im doing this. just in case i guess) anyway…

if youre reading this im sorry. you…..i dont even know what to say. i didnt want to. you know that….why am i even doing this. im sure you wont be gone for long. its for the best though. i know you dont agree with me. i know for the past […]

I’m so fucked up in the way I think and feel. Any idea of bettering myself is immediately contaminated by the way I approach reality. I suppose I’m a severely disordered personality. Avoidance and possibly some form of narcissism. Along with whole new levels of twisted shit I’ve developed as a coping mechanism.

But there’s no normal for me now. No peace. Everything is infected.

I lack the resolve necessary to end it. But I have no idea how to cope with being this fucked up. Which leaves me paralyzed – failing to pursue a better life and face reality, and failing to put myself out of […]

You ever hear that song “Pushit” by Tool? Your poem about your mom reminded me of it. Here:

Not suicide related

I was a victim of psychological abuse for nearly 18 years, most of those years i was a child.

Alot of bad stuff happened, but i remember that my dad called me a retard among other things for many years because i was an occasional mouth breather (although for a short while i was a chronic mouth breather).

Yeah that’s how to solve it, psychologically abuse your child about something that’s not even their fault.

Now I’m not really a mouth breather, for at least the past 2 years. Have to pull my lips in and force my mouth shut. I guess I’ve gotten used to […]

 I remember as a child I assumed that there was nothing wrong with the lives of the animals behind glass at the Bronx zoo. That somehow their lives on display gave them enough of a life having been brought out of the wild and subject to a million strangers gazes on a daily basis. So many friends and people they would never see again, Until I found myself inside their cage. The feeling of alienation while simultaneously viewed, taunted, judged, aching in the profound pain of knowing there was nearly nothing more to life. I witnessed furious tigers as a child not understanding their snarling, […]

I shed a tear for the bad things happening on Earth.

as I’ve made clear in my previous posts making a decision has always been extremely hard for me.

and i’ve been fighting the wrong battles for a long time.

this time I am choosing me and I am going to stick to my decision to the end..

trying to be anything to make someone love you or care for you or even at least notice you is the stupidest thing you could ever do and i’ve been doing it like literally my whole life and today I AM DONE.

but it’s hard and it’s painful to choose yourself over the one that you love,

but you will pay a much […]

seems like I can’t go for too long without eventually thinking of killing myself. yet I just won’t. if I was really about it, I’d have it done by now. makes me think that I don’t actually want to die. but if that’s the case, then this wouldn’t be a problem for me. I would care more about experiencing life, but I don’t. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be me and I don’t necessarily want to be anyone else. I just wish that my life never happened in the first place. I’m doing the bare minimum of being alive. I […]

I was waiting for a reply on a text..

two days ago, and that reply never came through.

I should be okay with people not wanting to speak to me, that’s fine.

but it’s always that one person you care about the most, they can hurt you even by doing nothing.

like really why can’t you see me?