General

Waking up after a sleepless night spilling your heart out feels strangely similar to a hangover. Fuzzy memory of things you couldn’t possibly have done, coupled with a vague feeling of mild shame, hazy bafflement and a skull-splitting headache. Cold apples help a little too.

Still, it was good to unload, not to be judged on one’s weaknesses. Mind cleared of the fog of depression, for now. Even now that I’m almost cheerful I can see clearly will come back and decisions are still to be made, death still an option as ever. But the clear mind should last for a couple of days at least […]

Im supposed 2 b happy right now… My parents were worried that im isolating myself too much so they came to spend the evening w/ me. My dad, in his best insterests, suggested sum drinks cuz we use2 always do that… Iv recently decided to stay away from LQ cuz it doesn’t help, but… I couldn’t tell my dad no. After sum drinks my parents went to bed and i stayed up… Couldn’t stop thinking… Of the reason I’m here… It’s torture… I wish the pain would stop… How do I make it stop…?

Hello there!

This last 24 shift was like hell. Daytime its okay, but at night here came suiciders. For the first time in my job time we got 4 at night! Usualy our psychiatric team with proffesional doctors are going to such patiens, but they didnt work yesterday.
Nobody knows why, but all psychiatric ER was full of such people. Not a full-moon.. hmm., And they all chosen drugs. What a fools! i didn’t meet any of them died from drugs, we always come in time and save them.

I was very angry. Non of them told me a serious reason why decided to die.. Love, Studies, […]

My selfish KIDS

anyways, it was right under my nose that Dr. dolittle was blackqwert as I just found out.

I have been drinking cream soda almost every day, trying to stay sane and happy. (very exhausting) The cream sodas effects on me are wearing down (enjoyment and whatever happens in my brain to elevate my mood).

Well so far, I’ve been failing half my classes. Not doing homework, unable to concentrate. The idea that the end is near makes me feel at ease to be failing. But it still stresses me. I still desire death even though I haven’t done much to desire it. I may have […]

I cnt take this anymore. Wenever i can i lock myself in my room lay in bed cry and cut myself. the pain makes me feel numb inside ihave scars on my wrist arms shoulders and stomach i also have burn marks on my skin from the few times ive intentionaly burned myself.tne pain seems to drive off the feelings of sadness and anger but aftr awhile seeing the scars just fill me wit more rage and self hatred wich just leads to me doing it all ovr again. Icnt stop myself. And it seems like im isolating myself. Icnt handle dealing wit actual […]

I need to get away. From this crazy place called home. From this depression. And especially from myself. I don’t even know myself anymore. It makes everyday things so hard to do. I want to get away from all these tears. I’m pretty sure crying so much that you get sick isn’t good. I can’t take it anymore. Everything’s pushing me over the edge and I’m scared I’ll fall.

My life is falling apart. My 4.4 GPA isn’t enough for my parents. My best friend in the whole world hasn’t talked to me in a week. Everyone I ever trusted has left me within the past 3 months. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but I really can’t take it anymore.. I just wanna get out of here. I don’t wanna live anymore..

so I just got home from a birthday thing my friend had and I feel like crap. I tried to be normal for her and not ruin the night but it was so hard, because she had it at the same place where I met this guy who ended up stealing my heart and he passed away recently. all night i kept seeing his face and replaying that night over and over again when i met him there and it was like my heart kept breaking all over again each time.
We all have an […]

I just don’t know what to do anymore.. The only thing it feels like I’m doing in life is to cry and self-harm. I want it to end. I don’t know how. I feel so damn lost.

When I get to the barest very most essential of my turmoil it really comes down to a choice between death and change. Change beyond anything I or everyone close to me ever imagined me capable of. How is such a choice obvious or easy? Whatever I choose my life will soon be over.

Looks like I won’t be sleeping much tonight again.

I need someone to trust, someone that i can tell everything to, someone who wouldnt judge me. My “friends” say i can trust them, but i know i cant..

I’m open.Preview

To anyone who needs a real friend.

Real, in such a way that I’ll feel what you feel.

Not really in flesh. But in heart, and in soul.

I’m always here.

I often find myself alternating between feeling two distinct states, nothing and self-hate/hopelessness. It seems to alternate at the rate of blinking light, its speed depending on the stimuli. When I’m not feeling this way, I feel a dull sense of depression, a pessimistic coloration to all of life’s events. I just feel so disconnected from reality and existence, so much so that I can’t even imagine myself being a part of it. When I contemplate my inadequacy and faults, I don’t want to exist anymore. I see myself as valueless, that the universe would be perfectly fine without me. I know this is true, […]

I’m new here, was browsing the internet and found this place, so hola. I’m really just looking for people to talk to, there aren’t many people in my life that I feel comfortable talking to about this kind of stuff. Dunno where I really feel like starting, I’ve been through some stuff in the past year, from me and my gf of 3 years breaking up a week before I planned on proposing, to my cousin dying in a car crash in March. But the most recent one, and the one that really prompted me to posting on here, was my recent breakup. An old […]

For some reason, I’m feeling even more depressed than I have in awhile.  Just a sudden blitz attack where all I want to do is cry and hibernate.  To make it worse, I had my first visit with my new psychiatrist.  He wasn’t a bad guy; just didn’t seem very personable.  Sort of like the stereotypical scene where you talk to the shrink and he silently, betraying no emotion, writes something down on his notepad.  It wasn’t so much his demeanor though, but more that after telling him about all the other antidepressants I’ve been on (and other medications that were used to “help” the […]

Sort of on a depression spree tonight. Nobody wants to talk right now, going to vent and hope someone reads in the morning..

God fuck. So, pathetically annoying story here as people are venting random hating shit on the Facebook for a model train group I’m a part of (yes, that is why the drama is stupid) this week. I’m sorta watching on and off and today I mention that “hey, it’s a fucking hobby, stop being a *****”. And someone writes, “you only run trains and leave a mess, you never do any work around here”.
I’m fucking sixteen, what “work” can I fucking do? […]

“GO THE DISTANCE”

It was an unfair hand to be dealt. We were thrust into this chaotic world without our permission and without our approval. We did not ask to be here, yet we have been forced to survive. There were no detailed instructions that would guarantee success. There was no perfect plan to ensure our well being. There was no absolute determination that our parents, our teachers, and other leaders would guide is in the right direction. And now, here we are today. Veteran players of this enormous wonder we call life. Survivors of life’s daily challenges. Warriors of the daily grind … […]