General

I haven’t slept without substance (ab)use in almost two weeks now. And trying to buck the trend tonight isn’t easy. I got high this morning once I decided school wasn’t gonna happen, but it feels like I need something to sleep now. Maybe a shot, maybe a smoke, something. I hate this. It’s always the worst. Laying in bed with nothing to do besides think of how much I hate my life and myself. I just want to sleep without medication, but I’m starting to wonder if that’s possible for me anymore.

I use to have such a spark for life, I don’t know where its gone….. most of the time I just feel like times flying by while I just sit here. I wanna do something.. I wanna get over this.. But, I don’t know where to start I’m scared to move forward feelings of hurt and pain cloud my mind. Wish I could just hide under a rock for awhile…

I have been having more intense fantasies about ending my life.

What I see scares me; loss of relationships, estrangement from family (and it is a destructive family). I feel more alone than ever, and angry at people who i feel have let me down–full of self- pity.

Moreover, I’ve had an ongoing physical illness that requires surgery and a long recovery. I am in a lot of constant, physical pain. Without family or friends, how dow I expect to go through it and recover? I won’t be able to walk or leave the house. I already get depressed within 45 minutes of those conditions. I am […]

I go on weird walks; don’t follow me.  As I was walking tonight through a rift between two houses in my parent’s neighborhood I was talking to myself – only a bit and through my breath like some people do to motivate themselves on jogs (I imagine people do this sometimes).  It was dark, the rift is frightening.  I kept saying: “I am alone.  I am alone.”  And gradually it was: “I’m a loan.  I am a loan.”  I am but a loan.

Is this an inspiring notion, or one that can be debilitating: that one is but on loan from some hidden cue?

Latley I’ve been thinking more and more about suicide. I hate living here. My mom doesn’t give a shit about me. All she does is yell at me for not being good enough. I’ve considered going to meet my dad, but he doesn’t know about me. I don’t want him to go his whole life thinking one thing and then one day me just show up. I don’t know what to do I just don’t want to stay here. My birthday is in a week and all I want is to leave…

Isnt our existence the most illogical thing in the world?

I am tired of living, everyday is the same thing, one day after another. I dont know if it would be different if i could actually get in a relationship with someone i could really care of. Sometimes im afraid it wont change, even if i could get someone to be with. Its just that life its so tasteless for me. I dont really think i am depressed or something, its just that i dont want to live anymore, i think its way too boring. I mean, im 26 years old and had done the same […]

I’m dying in the inside. I’m screaming for help, but no one hear me. I’m devastated. I feel like I’m all alone in this crazy world. My heart cries out, but no one there to comfort me. All I want is someone to tell me that I’m gonna make it out alive. I’m sitting in this dark tunnel underground. I can see people walking by above me. No one bother to look down whenever i scream for help. I’m praying that someone would hear me and some how get me outta this dark place. A day goes by, still down here. I keep telling myself […]

I want to go.

Everyone here knows why. If you are reding this you genreally understand what it feels like to be suicidal. To want to leave, go to sleep and never wake up, depart this life. I want out.

I knew a girl who killed herself in college. I don’t blame her one bit, but what really struck me was that despite how small, quiet, invisible and inconsequential she was in life, her death had the most enormous effect. There wasn’t one person unaffected by her act, no matter how remotely they were connected to her. She is not remembered for the person she was, she […]

Goodbye.
that’s all I can think of.
no suicide note, no guilt. Just, goodbye. I was a good kid, honestly. Now I’m only 13. Still so young and have nothing to look forward to me. Honestly what’s there good when you live in a piece of shit that your “family” can barely afford? You try to tell your family you don’t like it there but they seem to never care. Yeah, that’s always it. No one cares. No one sees how much they can hurt a person, but that doesn’t matter to them. They just don’t care. All my life I’ve done nothing but care […]

Useless. that’s all I am, left in the dust while everyone else seems to be heading forward. Getting looks from parents as if they wouldn’t ever want a daughter like me, distress lays inside of me. How should I feel knowing I’m forgotten, and treated differently? People say it’s okay all the time, but I know a true friend would tell you when it isn’t. The only true friend I had barely talks to me anymore considering she moved and found new people. Now I’m left alone, with a bunch of poeple around me that I would never want to be with in my life. […]

You know what im done. Im seriously done. Today was that last straw. They litterally push me off the edge. What did i do wrong. I want to know the answer. What have i done wrong. I never talk to them if they talk to me. I dont really care for them. They are extermely loud i could possiblly loose my hearing. They dont know how much they already kill me and they did. They really did. I dont want no apology cause thats not enough. I hate my school so much i rather get my ged then get a dioplama. As long as i […]

Ok, I’m gonna go from this site, forever. Im not only gonna go from this site, Im gonna go from everything. Yes I said it. Im gonna kill myself… sorry, but bye!

There are 5 simple steps to ending one’s own life.

Step 1: Decide on a method (In my case lethal drug)

Step 2: Look into ways of acquiring anything needed (Trawling the internet for resources)

Step 3: Acquire any items needed (I’ll be sending payment tomorrow, should take 5-7 days for it to arrive fingers crossed – I’m 95% sure the person isn’t a scam artist)

Step 4: Prepare for the final scene… (In my case writing the note, tying up a couple of loose ends, getting everything set up, etc)

Step 5: Do it.

I’m only halfway there, and alot hinges on whether this person I came into contact with […]

I QUIT!!!

After a long time of hoping and praying, hoping and praying, hoping and praying, and trying to be optimistic, I feel like I have really hit rock bottom.  The taste of motivational thoughts, sayings, videos, etc only last so long, and then reality hits once again with anothe rejection or dissapointment.  There is little change or progress after so much effort, and I feel so hurt and betrayed, abandoned and alone.   Thoughts of ending it all are, and have been, a constant companion. But I don’t have the courage at this time to end it (at this time, anyway). I think about what my […]

My name’s Zach.  I am nineteen years old.  I am not currently suicidal but have just gotten through a bout of strangeness that I think most people on this site would appreciate, in that it involved me acting out in front of others so that they might know what sorts of violence were going on inside of my psyche.

My first miseries occurred, though I am luckier than some in that my family is intact and I’ve committed no unintentional acts of grievous harm.  Today I am rather puzzled as to why I’d previously found suicide a pleasant prospect at all; in contrast to the pain […]

There is tooooo much to deal with. Go away life. I just want to sleep all day and not have to deal with any of this shit.

The thing that REALLY keeps me from doing it is that I’m too scared. I just think about it is all. I think the least painful, but scariest death is to jump off a bridge. But my mangled remains would be too gruesome, I’d like a neater death than that. I think about hanging myself, but I don’t want to have bulgy eyes and blue face. I think about slitting my wrists, but I’m afraid I’m going to lose blood slowly and and freak out as it’s happening- I’ve given blood before, and I hate the feeling of blood leaving my body and make me […]