General

Before I Die  i just want my family to be proud of who i was to know that i love them and i might not show it so well all the time with my blank expressions i do love them. I just want to know that i wasnt an embarrassment that i was a good person and did great things for others. I want to know that im not going to leave any unfinished business. I want to know i made the right choices and I did the right things. I want to know its my time. So hopefully i can know everything before i […]

For anyone that knows of Maeliin, there is some trouble with parents, and the internet has been shut off. I was asked to let you all know that Maeliin is still currently with us, unfortunatly contemplating it today or tomorrow.. but may not be able to come on SP for a while, or anymore.

Is there anyone who is from New Zealand? I’m a female, in Auckland.

Woke up early, went with BF to his work, was planning to hang with someone but that gotten changed because of other issues, (weather and plans I think.) hung around at BF’s work longer than I thought we would because he had to wait for stuffs. Went out and about to phone places (on the way back home), and we went to Kroger to shop for some food, for once I didn’t break the bank. LOL Had two bean/cheese burritos, was so hungry, even after having a double cheese burger, and oh yeah, I had my own version of spaghetti minus sauce and add […]

Fuck my life. Fuck everything. What’s the point of living with no happiness. I care about nothing. I love nothing. The things that do make me happy are only temporary. Drumming. Music. Food. Yep. That about sums it up. Are those three things worth living for. I think not. So fuck it. Why don’t I just call it quits right now. Put the gun to my head and pull the fucking trigger. You think I wont do it. You think I wont go through with it. Try me. I fucking dare you. The only thing that’s stopping me is not having the gun. I guess […]

In about 2 weeks im about to have my spleen removed. It is about 3 times its normal size, crushing my stomach so I barely eat, leaves me in a lot of pain, and makes it hard to get up and go to work. I got pulled over for speeding and based on my appearance, the sherrif made me get out for a sobriety test. I told him I’ve been on perks viks and OC for over a year and take each one depending on the pain level. Also that the illness has left me week and unstable. Throughout my […]

took somee pills and drank some wine

i really want to end my life tonight

lol

I was driving home today and all I wanted to do was floor it, go as fast as I could and crash in to anything and die. What is wrong with me…..

I fell today. Fell off the ladder I’ve been climbing up the past few weeks. I thought I might break today, but it seems I’ve only been cracked. Hoping someone will come by so, I can help myself up. And maybe I can be of help too…

I have a good home life, I have money, a home, my mom doesn’t beat me half to death every night. But, I’ve led a very sheltered life. I’ve never gone on a road trip, I’ve never camped out, I’ve never had a really great night that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. I know, I have long time to make those great nights, but, I’m fifteen, shouldn’t I already have something to remember?

I’m not special, I don’t know any instruments, sure I can draw alright, but that’s not something that I can just do right here right now.

I’ve talked people out […]

fuck it.

Why am I still alive again?

Dreaming of the desert,
An empty wasteland
Filled with hope and sand.
Vast and unchanging,
Beautiful and ignorant
Of influences or negotiation,
The way I want to be.
Space waiting for me
To fill it with my screams
Of lonely silence,
And my fulfilled dreams
Of peace without violence
Towards myself.
I imagine sunrises
Without a hangover,
And sunsets so beautiful
Giving way to a night sky
Filled with stars,
And holding not a drop
Of my usual anxious dread
That tonight is the end
In the most concrete way,
A terrible day dream
I wish I wouldn’t have.
Will the endless rolling sand
Cure […]

carcasses of humans
hear my cry
the world is ill
strive for power
fist of stone
take the lash
made of sin
carnal knowledge
pierce the skin
cut the flesh
carve the bone
drive to devour
urge to kill
born to die
devotion to my demons

keep trying to turn things around but they just keep crumbling down….tired of picking up the pieces

I cut again tonight. worse than ever before. the blood dripped down my arm and i just looked at it. it was an accident i swear. i had no one to talk to, i dug the end of the razor into my skin i didn’t think it would rip skin. it never used to. i dragged it across and let go. then the blood trickled down my arm. i feel so lost. somebody shout at me, tell me i’m an idiot. please ?

im gann a take a whole bottle of my moms xnaxes then im ganna take the two mile walk to the bridge near my house taking my last breath and then im ganna jump. im tired of beening here all i am is a wortless ugly piece of shit. i dnt deserve to be here anymore. all i do is hurt people and i cant stand even looking at myself anymore it all just to much for me to take. no one will miss me my mom wants me dead and my dad never cared an the rest of my family wouldnt care except mayb […]

I don’t know what to do with myself any more. Everyone is putting pressure on me. I have been depressed for quite a long time, but I have to pretend that I’m happy in front of my family and friends because it’s what they want to see. No one would like to be around a downer, so I have to work my ass off to be a straight A student in order to make my parents feel proud of me. I have to cover up my scars and fake smiles so that my friends would not think of me as a freak or maniac. Hey, do you know how […]