General

Please, arrive

thank you for abusing me in every way possible. thank you for sending me to school with no lunch. thank you hitting for me. thank you for not letting me hang out with my friends. thank you for working me almost to death. thank you for touching me. thank you for putting me in situations to get raped or murdered. thank you for being too stoned to raise my little brother. thank you for saying i stole from the kitchen. thank you for letting me go hungry because i ate too much then digested it. thank you for seeing my cuts and scoffing. thank […]

Why is it that I feel this way?

I should love my husband. But I’m so tired. I’m so tired of having to feel like I have to be careful with my emotions. I’m so tired of being disappointed. I’m so tired of being like this time and again. I want to leave, but I can’t.

I want to be happy. But I’ve been feeling like I’m walking on eggshells all the time. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I don’t know what to do everytime I fuck things up. I consider the consequences of my actions plainly collateral damage. Something that wasn’t supposed to go that way but it did. Now everything’s more of a mess. Now I’m wondering if maybe I’am the collateral damage. An unintended by-product of society.

The funny thing about suicide is that you cannot guarantee whether you’ll suceed 100% or fail. It’s been months since I prepared my notes but I just won’t fucking die. Yeah I locked myself in my cabinet and tried carbon monoxide. I thought it wasn’t working so I came out. The moment I removed the tapes and stepped out of the cabinet finally breathing pure oxygen, I felt so dizzy the room was literally spinning, i felt like vomitting and was having a headache at the same time. I remember eating while lying down with my eyes closed.

I said I’d definitely try that again but […]

It’s been days, weeks, or even months since I last played. I wanted to touch those keys but everytime I play it’s as if the piano is broken — left unplayed for a thousand years, completely out of tune. My soul isn’t the same anymore. My heart isn’t the same anymore. My music doesn’t sound the same amymore.

first smoke ive had in years, i feel like everyone hates me and im only on day 6 of the medication already sick and tired of it…..why the f*ck am i still bothering with anything

Why should we live

I’m sorry.

so im gonna see about going out with an old friend from when i was really little. and im thinking about telling her everything so that if i start acting weird she will understand why. i cant count how often i deleted or blocked someone just because i figured they hated me when in actuality they were just busy and life got in the way like it does sometimes and i dont want that coming between her and i again. its like her older sister said yesterday, we use to hang out all the time and i would like to go back to at least […]

I have Medicine that makes me unable to make Memories, unable to know any Perception, no thoughts or things in my Mind that I can sense.

And then I’ll jump.

I think I just have to accept that she doesn’t want to talk to me. I think I have to accept that she just doesn’t want anything to do with me. As much as I try and reach out, I think I’m only making things worse. I just have to accept it. I don’t know how, but I just have to. On the extremely small chance you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Sorry if I screwed up.

Does it ever feel like you live in a house full of strangers? However, the outside world is as clueless too. Every bit of you that they’re supposed to know are the little truths they don’t.

The  world is absurd. Politics are absurd. The news is absurd. Even an absurdist would feel depressed looking at this sheer lack of exploitable material that exists in the present. Everything is doing the work for them already, and there is nothing left to make fun of. It’s all making fun of itself.

Hourly jobs are absurd, and yet countless humans the world over continue to clock in precisely on time every day.

Healthcare is absurd, and yet countless people stress over how they’ll pay for their procedures (in the States, at least) every day.

The economy is absurd, and yet countless people worry that the housing market […]

When I was 3, my father told me that I was the cause of all that was wrong in his life. It was my fault he was stuck married, and that we were poor, and so on.

He told me this often.

From as far back as I can remember, my mother was extremely violent. Beatings until blood flowed, black eyes, and so on. When she was done, she would lock me in the closet. Sometimes for days.

When she came to let me out, the sexual abuse was next.

Both parents were violent, but mom was the worst. My only way to deal was to black it all […]

I’m 21 years old, pre-medical student. I killed myself, some would say it was an accident but I crossed the street aware that the incoming traffic will kill me. I didn’t leave a suicide note, I didn’t need to let my parents know how much a mess I was and they did not do anything to help me. I didn’t want any help I just wanted it to end, I don’t want them wandering the ‘what ifs’ just let them think it was an unfortunate accident.

Why you ask? I barely remember anything at all, new information would go over my head, my temper always rising […]