General

You may have heard this story before,you may not.It is all relevent because this is my story.I am an Asian-American.Being different is said to be a good thing but the majority of you do not truly know the meaning of this.You have never been a total outcast of an entire school system.To be teased in an all white school system every day!Day in and day out.To be rejected by even the most unsocial of classes!To have everyone sickened by the sight of you.It’s not like I’m disgusting looking.I considered my self to be fairly handsome (at the time).Imagine starting your existence this way.I know it […]

I guess I need to rant just as much as anyone else here.
For the last who knows how many years I’ve been depressed. For the last 3 or so, it’s just got worse and worse.
I have a shit job, am alone and ugly. I haven’t dated a girl in 5 years and haven’t had anything close in almost as long. I hate myself too much to approach women and feel like I’d just be wasting their time, and mine.
I don’t hate the world or think it’s unfair- I just fucked up my life and I’d prefer to quit while I’m ahead.
I […]

I fell in love with someone on an online game.  We were happy for a long time, talked on the phone constantly.  This girl decided she liked him and he told her he was interested in me.  He didn’t say more in order to spare her feelings.  She has never stopped liking him and even thinks they are dating.  He doesn’t correct her to spare her feelings.  He doesn’t care how much the whole thing has hurt mine on a constant basis.  I have to see her character sitting next to him in town.  I have to hear her write in guild chat about how […]

I feel suddenly disengaged from the site and I see (maybe) others are as well. There’s been a recent surge of activity on the forum that is less than desirable, noting in particular the spamming Islamic threads! Now I’m not personally against someone expressing their views (I have my own) but only when it is done discreetly. These islamic threads are in-your-face populating the front page of SP and it is downright annoying! Please moderators take a stand on it. I’m a moderator on another forum myself and we have a policy that we take the lead to moderate the forum for the best interests […]

I have found only release in cutting. Particularly my wrists just for convenience sakes. My parents found out and sent me to various therapists, none of whom could help me with my “problem”. Recently I saw my old razor blade that my dad took away from me in his cabinet. I hunger for it, but I know that if I took it, I would be found out.

I also struggle with suicidal thoughts, such as drinking ammonia and bleach. I don’t know what to do. And everyday is just a fake smile, hanging out with my fake friends. I can’t talk to them, and really say […]

I stand at a strange turning point in my life. I’m a researcher. A student of life. I look upon peoples hopes, dreams, and aspirations and wonder. I feel foreign to it all. I want those that read this to understand me just a little. Any who choose  to respond may do so, but i ask that you ponder heavily upon what you say, considering all that i have written.

I am young. Not as young as you would think, but too young in many peoples eyes as to deserve condolences or ridicule for even considering leaving this mortal realm. But my life thus far has […]

I use to think that if my parents changed and if I found some friends than I would like life again. That was the hope that I held on to for SO LONG.

Well, my parents changed and I now can actually say I like them. I have really great friends and a really great younger sister. I do well at school…

Except I’m numb. I can’t cry. I can’t be happy.
Everything seems SO pointless. I hate life.
There is NOTHING here for me. There is NOTHING that I actually enjoy. There is NOTHING I want to do or be.
It’s just POINTLESS. I HATE HATE […]

So I figured it out today.

Why I’m like this and why I feel this way all the time.

I’m not depressed. Honestly. There’s nothing in my life for me to be depressed about. I’m not sad.

But I AM apathetic. It’s hard to find a reason to care. It’s hard to find motivation to keep me staying here. It’s easier for me to just think, “Why even bother? Why should it make a difference at all? Does it even matter?”

I try to keep my head up by expecting something exciting, but nothing changes. Life has just become a mundane cycle for me and I’m stuck in the […]

I am writing here just to say how I feel.  I have been fighting off suicidal thoughts again for a few days now even though I don’t WANT to or PLAN to do anything about it, the thoughts just come, not that I want to kill myself but I just don’t want to live anymore, I can’t look forward to anything, do anything that I enjoy, or even see that I can do anything to make this different.  I have a relative in bad shape from a stroke and another who it has just been pointed out to me is about to die and I […]

I’m sorry I can’t offer physically a shoulder for you to cry on.
I hope you understand that, I really do want to, I really do, but I just couldn’t.
I live far. But in spirit I wish I do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj54H1q-C6k

In spirit I’m with you as a friend, always be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yEVDgfefoE

Think of the romance you are longing for, the passion so much inside of you burning for you to attain !
Hold tight your faith in your fist, struggle through, you deserve that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oc38BG9AUAg

Take ride on my left shoulder, grasp my mane, be pain for me to bear, let’s cross this valley […]

I wrote this in the summer of 2008

Gloomy days help your pain grow

Dull colors affect you more than you know

Cold, chilling air erases all comfort

What’s left is loneliness & the absence of warmth

Thinking about this life you no longer want

To leave depressing memories as the loaded gun taunts

Thoughts of “what if’s” and if only’s” haunt you every day

Run into the blizzard so the icy storm can take the pain away

Putting your finger on the trigger of the gun

As you hold it to your head you search the clouded sky for the sun

Closing your eyes & picturing snowflakes falling gently to the ground

What breaks the silence […]