General

A lot on my mind. As usual. Trying to figure out how to say it all. Probably won’t. Best place to start is probably the new medication. Had my psychiatric appointment this past Wednesday. Told him the usual spiel. Anxiety, fear, the feeling of not belonging etc etc etc. Somehow it eventually get around to maybe my anxiety is as bad as it is because I can’t focus. He floated the idea that I might have ADHD. Of course I couldn’t help but make a face which he noticed. He admitted that it’s “popular” […]

What lessons have you learned in life?

I know what I have to do. I keep letting fear get the best of me but I’m done. I’ve hit my rock bottom, will there be another one in the future? I don’t intend on there being another one but life happens. Either way I’m gonna dust myself off and keep going.

I’m gonna start by doing those things that I find most difficult to do like giving up alcohol, reconnecting with my brothers, my mom, my dad, and my relatives. I’m gonna let the world see just how pathetic I am as I work on myself. I’m just gonna let pain have it’s day […]

I saw a cornea specialist the other day and my corneas are swollen.  Apparently, they have been for a while.  My corneas are basically breaking down at an alarming rate.  My eyes optic nerves are dying quickly too.  My eye pressure is too high and i’m running out of things to try to bring it back down.  When the eye’s pressure is too high it damages your optic nerves.  The optic nerves are the the cables from your eyes to your brain.  Once they die forever, it’s permanent midnight.  I’m going to have to move up my original trajectory to sooner than a year.  I’m […]

I think our society has an aversion to anything painful or unpleasant and it’s done a real disservice to those of us that ply our trade in professions that require use to interact with those two factors. You think pain is bad, that’s your first mistake. Let me guess the first sign of pain you take a painkiller?

I won’t shame you for it, it is the conditioned response. If you can’t sleep, you take a sleep aid. If you have pain, pain killer seems like the obvious choice. Yet, that’s not right. The reason is that a lot of pain killers are really toxic and […]

This has no relevance to anything, I’ve just been feeling the need to say it somewhere, so…

I’ve fucked up my life about as much as I possibly could’ve, given the cards I was dealt. So a lot of this is no doubt down to envy. But when I see people reach the level of wealth where they can throw away thousands and not give it a second thought, I feel anger and resentment. Even if they’ve worked hard, and they’re decent people, and they’ve pulled themselves up by their bootstraps. Even if they grew up poor, and spent years sweating away for the minimum wage, […]

I took the day off today, I mentally feel like shit.

I’m dreading seeing my family, who aren’t bad people in any way, I’m just the problem. I must be crazy or something.

I’m so in my own head a lot of the time.

Days blur together and I’m not doing enough.

I’m just so aware that I’m damaged goods. I’m my own worst enemy.

I have days like this, where I just wake up and know it’s not happening. Sometimes I force myself and push through. Other times, like today, I can’t do it.

It’s why I […]

Do you also feel like a prisoner of life? Is there anything that can solve this? And I Don’t feel like death is the answer right now

My TA raped me in her car and the memories have been trying to resurface for about 3 years now.

This is why I’ve been so distressed for 3 years.

And that’s why it really hurts. Radiohead. This is one of those times where I feel like I need to let it out but don’t really know what to say. Still feel like I’m drowning. Still feel like this doesn’t end well. Still can’t stand to look them in the eye when I talk. It’s not going to end well. It really isn’t. The thing is, I do it to myself. Nobody else to blame.

Shouldn’t a person be able to choose their own ending? That thought keeps popping up in my head again and […]

I feel depressed because I have to move back to my parents house due to being stalked and sexually harassed out of my apartment. My parents are abusive and the abuse has already started. I feel depressed because I already feel parts of my personality being suppressed and ignored. I feel depressed because I feel like I grew so much while I was away from my parents house and they ignore all of it. I feel like I won’t be able to mentally withstand living at home. I feel defeated and angry because I did everything I could to survive outside my parents house. I […]

I feel like my life is a treadmill. I’ll wake up, do the same things I did yesterday until I’m physically exhausted, sleep, and then repeat it all the next day.

How many years has this gone on? 5? 10?

I’ve purchased my own house at 27, moved to a peaceful little town, and on paper have an increasingly successful life year by year, especially compared to when I was a kid.

But I’m still equally as alone as I’ve ever been. Unloved, generally disregarded in every area of my life, not typically thought of positively by anyone in my life aside from my parents (if I’m thought […]

You know you can’t hold me forever, I didn’t sign up for you

I’m not a present for your friends to open, this boy’s too young to be singing the bluuuuuuues

Just, this song is such a perfect stand in for where I am right now. Failed entirely by the promises of fame and fortune given in my youth. You can’t let me in your penthouse, I’m going back to my plow.

I finally decided my future lies beyond the yellow brick road……

No one here has the answers I’m looking for. I can’t get it here. So this is a location and lifestyle problem, not a being alive […]

I feel suicidal because my teacher that sexually assaulted me in college is still stalking me. She won’t leave me alone. I’m scared and I’m hurting. She’s completely ruined my life. She’s slandered my reputation. I’m in my early 20s and I already feel like my life is over because I can’t escape my stalker.

I feel like the only way out is to kill myself. I have no friends. She has ruined my life. She contacts jobs I apply to and ruins my reputation before I even start. She’s sent people to my job to harass me. I thought about going to the police but […]

I feel like 95% of us here are gonna stay chronically depressed. Sure, many may not *BE* on SP in the future, but that doesn’t mean they are “cured” of their depression. Hell, some of us who stop posting have “disappeared” from this mortal coil.

Yes, statistically, it makes sense there could be a few I gander will get rid of their depression forever, but until I SEE it happen, I just don’t believe the majority of us will. I’ve spoken to many ppl in their 60s, 70s, and 80s in other depression groups- they’ve all told me they had depression […]

What the difference between a chronically depressed/suicidal person and one who is not?

I know of so many arrogant egocentric selfish people- these ppl tend to be the happiest ppl- they love themselves way too much, think too much of themselves, and are selfish to the core. These ppl don’t question their existence, or their skills- or the lack thereof- they think so highly of themselves when they have no reason to. Hell, it’s usually the dumbest ppl with the lowest amount of skill that think they’re the best/smartest ppl. Or the most assholish greedy selfish ppl who think they are […]

Spoilers for the 2022 movie Old Man, so watch out for that if you care.

It’s been a while since I needed to post twice in a day, but this was a different enough thing, enough of it’s own thing that I felt it was worth seperating out. Let me paint you a picture and tell you a story, because chances are you aren’t going to watch this movie I have now watched twice.

A young man stands in a clearing of a forest, in front of him, and suddenly in front of us is a house. Smoke comes from the chimney, and the windows are lit […]

I’m nearing the end of me, again. I know, I’ve said it a lot, and it was true all of those times too. This isn’t a boy cried wolf situation, this is a wolf infestation situation, how’s that for a turn of phrase?!

The why doesn’t even matter, one more crisis than I can handle, 10% more stress than my body can take even with a full dose of prescription medications, caffeine and nicotine. It feels like my stomach is full of sharp triangles of steel. It feels like I laid down in wet concrete, and it is starting to harden.

I want to run. It’s taking […]

So get this- this 17yo has only passed THREE classes in the THREE years of HS. Late or absent 272d. His GPA is 0.13. Yes, 0.13. AND get this- he’s ranked 62/120, meaning there are 58 kids who have grades WORSE than him, meaning he’s in the TOP HALF of his grade. Like…what?

I’m surprised Americans know how to tie their shoelaces at this point.

And no, this isn’t “just Baltimore.”

“The National Center for Education Statistics doesn’t rank the states, but Education Week assigns each state a grade from A to F based on several factors. No state has achieved an A, […]

Could death be what gives life meaning?