General

I was going to say no hot water and be melodramatic….. but we have SOME, not even close to enough, and not in the way I need it most……. Our hot water heater decided to take a break on Saturday, I had a plumber out today and in a sane and kind world that would be the end of it….. but I did the stupid thing five years ago and bought a hardware store hot water heater instead of letting the plumber put one of theirs in. Stupid I now find out because for warranty I had to call customer service, half hour on the […]

Things aren’t so bad right now. Not particularly great, but not bad. They will be though. I know that. I started my Thesis this semester. It’s already the 3rd (technically 2 and 1/2) week and I have done jack shit. I got a year, but I know I’ll fuck it up even more so if I keep procrastinating. Just don’t have the motivation. Been sleepling like 10 hours a day. Just can’t get my ass up. Set 4 alarms and I just shut off all 4. It’s a pain. Only got 1 class, […]

It’s hard to motivate yourself when you know there are only bad options. No matter which you choose, it won’t be what you need. Some paths are still less shitty than others. But most of them end in more or less the same place.

The path I tell myself I’ve chosen is one of gradually letting go, of the obsessions, cravings, and regrets that consume me. But also of the hopes and dreams that I cling to to keep me going. Perhaps whoever I’ll be at the end of that road is less miserable.

But that path requires a lot of work, which I never get to. […]

when you’ve got no one that gives a shit about you?

The reason I WOULDN’T want to die just yet is to spite them. They would be happy if I died, and so just bc of that, I refuse to off myself and make them happy. They would be relieved that their disabled daughter/family member is finally gone and that they don’t have to do a thing to help me anymore (not that they do anything now anyway).

can’t really break the cycle i guess.

Everything bothering me seems so small and petty. So, why do these things bother me?

I got some new clothes for interviewing, but I’ve gone up a neck size because I’ve gained weight…. and my internal critic is calling me fat, and I’m not, but it still bothers me that none of my shirts or suit jackets fit

Then last night our water heater went out…. and it really bothered me, and at the same time I’m aware that it’s a small modern inconvenience. Hot water on demand is such a luxury, even in the modern world.

and I wish the job would come back to me sooner […]

First, I would like to say acknowledge that the title sounds like it would be great as a metal song or band name.

Moving on from that, does anyone else have sudden urges to self-mutilate at times? I’m not talking just cutting, btw. I mean some hardcore horror movie-type of stuff like eye gouging or tearing away flesh. Yes, I know my inner darkness is showing… I’m just curious if that feeling is just a product of my own insanity wanting to see if I’m not completely numb yet or if other depressive people have these dark periods meaning I’m not alone.

remembered a little bit more about what an old friend was actually like, yet there are still odd contradictions in their behavior.. it’s just like, i’ve been trying to predict it, and it’s been driving me crazy. other things too. i’ve been trying to figure out our lack of free will. what our individual psychologies are. been getting so much better. i needed to do this from when i was younger, not waste so much time trolling someone who wasn’t really thinking about a lot..or so i know. i only caused myself to go a bit mad. existential dread has been at the root of […]

Wow, 2 weeks ago my TM was hacking up a lung and decided to come down to MY unit- while she was SICK and COUGHING. What kind of idiot does that shit? No apology, no care about MY health. And sits in the living room where her coughed air can come into my unit (my door is right below the living room). No concern how SHE can get ME sick.

Well I checked into the hospital 2d later and recently came back from the hospital and I’m coughing. She immediately goes up and stays upstairs in the bedroom and keeps the door closed. […]

I applied on Monday, maybe it’s expecting too much to hear back by Thursday, especially on a holiday week

all the same, I think I might have to start doing two or three applications at a time. I don’t want to, it’s not what I promised myself…… I’m okay today, but if this time tomorrow nothing comes up….. yeah, I might need to expand my search

Part 2 possibly the real motivation, also unrealistic things I want way more than I should

As stated many times before, this is my solution to the two post a day recommendation, if what I next have to say is even remotely […]

Have you realized that society has never taught us anything useful? Especially us folks who grew up in the cities. If something actually were to happen, we’re all fucked. SOME rednecks gonna survive but the rest of us?

1- Do we know how to hunt? Fish? Forage for food? Know what is ok to eat and what are deadly? – NOPE
2- Do you know how to build a shelter, like even a canopy in the woods? Or hell, even a city/state park? – NOPE
3- Do you know to fix a tire and fix your car? No […]

Is the girl saying she bought one for 23K?
I so want one!

Though one needs LAND + the land has to set up somehow so you can have electricity, plumbing, etc.
Wouldn’t know how to get it all set up though even if I had a plot of land…

There’s many options in Asia for these, and I assume they help you set up the water, electricity, plumbing for you if you live there. They will ship to America it seems, but how come I’ve never heard of these capsule homes? I’ve heard of Tiny Homes here in the USA/AUS/etc. I imagine it’ll […]

I am not strong enough to deal with everything.
Not physically or emotionally strong enough.

I need HELP.
I need PHYSICAL HELP.
I need FINANCIAL HELP.
I need COMPASSION and CARE.
Someone who gives a damn about me.
Something/Some reason for me to keep plodding onward in life.

My life is so fucking difficult, I can’t take it!
And I am ex-military and I never complained about anything back then, even when things were very insanely difficult (female and at the time a measly 94lb). I was able to endure everything that came my way. But now my health is gone and I can hardly […]

TLDR- The ER Dr scheduled a CT scan for my leg edema/veins but when I was transferred to the hospital and saw the attending physician, he was a d**k and just cancelled the CT scan bc he was in a bad mood and I had the audacity to ask what the scan was for and if I needed to have the dye. Now I have to wait eons to get an appt and get seen, then once I get an appt, have to wait eons to get the scan. And by then, my symptoms would be gone, or to a point where they […]

Two books arrived today, there was no way for me to know beforehand they were brothers, two sides of the same issue. Ah, but should I really bore you with the Dane-Zaa or the specifics of my quest? Enough to relate the process, and no more. That’s key to some of their teachings which focus on the value and power of knowledge. It’s like nothing else I’ve ever read, because it resounds in my heart as true. It echoes in my head. It allows me to transend the thoughtcave I’d been trapped in.

My entire life I’ve been seeking answers, whether it be in philosophy, history, […]

and i can

I’m exhausted with life.
I’m tired with constantly dealing with illness and health problems.
I’m tired with life NEVER working out for me.
I’m tired with ALWAYS getting the short end of the stick in life.
I’m tired of everyone being shitty to me.

I just want an existence that isn’t constantly mired in misery. Is that too much to ask??

They are all shit. They all know I am sick, disabled, can’t walk, and even worse now after the bacterial infection fucked up my leg. I showed them pictures. It was nasty. All bc mom’s house is fucking disgusting (think hoarder house). OFC NO ONE told me how bad and how disgusting her house was BEFORE I got here. If I knew, I wouldn’t have come up here.

They KNOW it’s bad, but is anyone helping me even the LEAST bit? Fuck no.

No one offering to drive me to dr’s offices, to grocery store, to drop off food. Hell, […]