General

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I’m buzzing a bit on dopamine from the last few hours of this game, so this is my disclaimer of that. I could be full of it, as far as this particular mindset of mine working. Dopamine makes you think you have good ideas, and some times you don’t. That’s what makes one manic, excess dopamine, all the ideas seem like good ones. The reason it’s such a dark dive…. is that many ideas aren’t good, and unfortunately our brains use chemicals to signal that.

Seriously, it’s kind of screwed up that humans spend so much time fiddling with their dopamine and seratonin levels…. but that’s […]

I can not take one more day of this. I can’t keep feeling the way I do. I can’t take one more day of eating alone. I can’t stand to see another couple holding hands. I can’t fucking take another day of seeing her.

I saw her again Tuesday morning. She was 2 feet away from me at the most, if I reached my hands out I could’ve touched her. Guess what she said to me? Nothing. Nothing at all. We were texting for a week or so. She hasn’t responded to my text in two weeks. I guess none of her new friends […]

Its 4 am, im on my own. Im drunk. I started to “fix it” by snorting an assortment of drugs i have in my nightstand. Things have been looking down at me for the past few weeks, but it has been bareable. Right now im lost. Like i said, im all on my own tonight. I have all that i need and more with in arms reach. I dont want to kill myself but i am more than ready to die. Tonight the alcohol, drugs and blades seem like such a comfortable thing. It seems like the right thing to do tonight, eventhough i KNOW […]

So I’m standing on a railway platform, leaning against a pillar, waiting for my train. Looking ahead of me, trying to keep my anxiety under control, and not to get too caught up in depressing thoughts. As another train pulls in behind me, I notice a couple of girls smiling down at me from the raised street level across the tracks in front of me. They’re waving and shouting something at me, but I can’t hear a word because of the noise. I look confused, and gesture that I can’t hear, but they keep waving & smiling. Now there’s no reason for them to have […]

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I finally moved a few weeks ago. Took long enough I guess. Glad I’m out. Overheard someone tell my dear father that he needed to “push” me to get out, so I went ahead and got it figured out for the poor man. Now I’m my mom and stepdad’s burden for awhile, I wonder how long it’ll be before they’re sick of me.

Shit still hurts.

I don’t see a point in the world, I don’t see a point in myself, I see nothing to go for. I just don’t care about anything anymore. I mean I care about my family, and my friends, but I’ve grown […]

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Life has been ABSOLUTE MISERY since the LITERAL DAY I moved here. Folks, do NOT ever move in with your selfish fucked up mom who never cared much about you growing up. WHY was I stupid enough to move back here? Bc I had nowhere else to go (thanks to SISTER who fucking made me give up my rent controlled apt) and bc I thought it would be a separate “studio” so it would be separate from her place and that it would be renovated.

Little did I know, that ONLY PARTS of the bathroom and kitchen would be renovated, and the rest […]

My idiot mother 1- hired a shit contractor 2- never checked the work of the shit contractor and 3- tries to either blame ME for all the shit that went wrong OR doesn’t ADMIT that there’s a FUCKING PROBLEM.

Since DAY1 of my moving in here, the toilet, sink and shower has been nonstop leaking, idiot gets called to fix it, he comes SIX TIMES, and STILL hasn’t fixed the leak in the sink. Took him THREE times to fix the shower leak. He never fixed the toilet that was sucking water from the bowl into the tank, almost like a half-flush it […]

Well, the deed is done. My grandfather is “buried”. Not really buried actually. Apparently its a thing where a large marbel slab houses a bunch of caskets. Part of the slab is opened up and the coffin just slides right in. So theres this big strucutre that holds a bunch of dead bodies stacked on top of each other in like rows and columns. Very odd. He was put up on the highest row. They needed to have a little pneumatic lift raise the casket up and some dudes had to push him into the slot using […]

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im a dissapointment im a dissapointment im a dissapointment im a dissapointment.

this might come off as stupid and such “oh first world problems whatever” butfirst context. my family celebrate everything. they celebrated when i camr back from a 3 day school trip. we celebrate mothers and fathers day for the US days AND the UK days and even more other stuff.

my entire life my parents would say get good A-Level grades and get into oxford or imperial or whateverand well take a family trip to dubai and all this stuff. and i was really excited for uni and all bc i had my whole life […]

I loved him as much as I could ever love a dog that didn’t live in my house. His name was Bernie, and today we found him dead. God, it’s all so matter of fact…. there’s still a part of me that wants to fight it. The denial of death has never been more real, I tried to do CPR, but it was too late. I held him and I wailed. He was only three years […]

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Part of the reason why SO many ppl have depression/low wages/shit lives is bc there’s just too many damn ppl in this world!! I remember growing up and when it hit 5B ppl, we were like, OMG it’s so overcrowded, panic panic panic. And now fast-forward to 2023 and ppl are making MORE babies than ever WTF.

8B ppl now. All fighting for the same resources. All fighting for the same jobs. All competing for the same shit wages.

8B ppl means overcrowding. Means TONS of pollutions. Means cities are chock full of ppl, everyone on top of […]

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huh…this is interesting…
Williams syndrome

Never heard of this condition till I came across this video today.

i know ive dissapointed everyone but why is everyone else caring about it more than i am.

theres no point of being optimistic anymore so i dont know why i ever am. i do this to myself. i cause my own pain.

what am i without it, i have nothing left to give. ive ruined my own life and now i dont see a point in continuing.

ive never been diagnosed with anything but im pretty sure im like some type of sociopath or anxiety or some type of crazy bc im too unstable to be normal

I very seriously thougbt about hunting down the original post, but for several reasons including how older posts don’t seem to get revisited often, this is where I’m putting the update.

I’ve officially submitted the paperwork to drop out of grad school, after a second semester start that undermined my faith in the process. The supposed drop with no cost date is Friday, so I have to keep pushing until then else I owe $25k…… That’s a car, what grad school is worth more than a car. Literally my most expensive car, my F250 truck which has had a transmission rebuild, full suspension rebuild, and numurous […]