General

how do i even live with myself? why am i like this…

everything hurts so bad and all i want to do is die, and all i ever do is make life harder for everyone… im disgusted with myself… i feel like im sinking into mud while being stabbed and crushed over and over and over in my mind… it hurts so much i cant keep doing this anymore… i wake up crying… fall asleep crying… quickly breaking apart and dying inside and nobody sees, no one sees… but they shouldn’t see… if anyone ever does i get so deeply ashamed and everything gets worse… everything […]

I was planning things out the other day ~ where to get the supplies, make sure the bed is covered in something fluid-repellent, figure out how to delay the sending of an email, ensure no first responders are harmed ~ and then I thought, “Shit. You’re 59 and not in great shape. You’ve got a few years left, maybe. It’s almost ridiculous at this point. Just have your heart attack and don’t traumatize your kid and piss off your friends.”

A dark, mucky, thick sea of thoughts. Just let me sleep and go away. Please.

I think about all the times I probably made things so much worse for him. Mentally. Guilt eats away at me and it’s my own fault. My fault, my fault, per usual.

I contacted some old friends to thank them for everything they’ve done/likely goodbye forever. One of them called knowing something was up. I was sobbing the moment I woke up and it was nice to hear from her and the other friend again. They asked me about god. I don’t know how I feel about it/have issues with the religion […]

I’ve been marinating on this for a week, because of pushback I’ve gotten here, and elsewhere. Yet again, my feelings and attitudes are offensive to those I profess to care about. There’s something in it that’s just being counter cultural, when the world appears to me optimistic, I can’t trust it, I become pessimistic…. but the reverse holds as well, when the world feels doomed, I feel pretty good about where my life is going.

It’s not being out of touch, because it happens in fact in reaction to my perception. Part of it is social, when the world is going to heck plenty of people […]

All they do is help me, and I can’t help but constantly get angry.
I’m looking for work, but I’m not trying hard enough to find a job, or a career.
I’m a fat slob who isn’t losing weight, so I’m not trying on that.
I literally have a month and then regardless of what happens, I’m leaving my current job. I’m sick and tired of the current job I have, it’s driving me mad.
A lot of things are driving me crazy.
I don’t have any certifications that matter, I haven’t found the start I need for the career path I’ve been studying for […]

A thing that happened to me was that 2 years ago I took a train from my city to a city in a mountain area. A couple weeks ago I did the same meaning I also took a train from here to there. The funny thing is that in the train I saw the same people from 2 years ago. They looked the same, they did the same things. They were the same on the way there and on the way back like it was then. I even relieved some situations with some strangers in that town same as 2 years ago. Some things were […]

I got pretty banged up yesterday when it started raining. I was drunk and it started raining last night in the desert. I was hanging out right outside my suburban neighborhood. One moment I’m sitting by cacti and watching the sun go down and then a few hours pass and it’s raining. I found myself in a dumpster looking for something to eat. (I’m broke)

Things are kinda cloudy but all I can remember is that I kept falling off my electric scooter. I remember how much it hurt and how embarrassed I felt falling in front of drivers. Then some lady rolled down her car […]

Yesterday I walked out of my suburban neighborhood and into the desert. I found a hidden area with tall cacti and bushes to keep me hidden as I drank myself into a mess. I wanna change. I want to be normal. I want to stop being afraid of people. I want to learn how to trust humans but I’m so afraid of them.

I can’t even talk to my own family members without feeling socially anxious anymore. It’s bizarre how that happened. I used to be so close to my 5 siblings and parents. Now I’ve changed so much. I’ve changed in some good ways but […]

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is a fruitless wish bc it obviously cannot be undone, but fuck it all, I wouldn’t have had to suffer and live such a hard SHIT LIFE for multiple fucking decades if I was never fucking born.

-I’m angry I was born into the situation I was born to. Born to shitty parents- yes both.
-Born into poverty bc idiot parents decided to leave a good upper middle income to come to the fucking United States, where literally we’ve been in poverty since DAY FUCKING ONE.
-Born to shitty parents who have ZERO value for a daughter’s life bc daughters mean nothing to them
-I’m […]

That’s my life rn. I’m on a sinking leaking boat, but all I have is a small cup to toss the water out. I don’t have any other tools, and so I am forced to empty it out one small cup at a time. It’s a losing fruitless endeavor, but there is nothing bigger than the cup.

I can’t jump onto another boat bc there’s none nearby, there is no one out there throwing me a rope. And no life vest with no skill to swim. I actually don’t know how to swim IRL. So yeah.

That’s in essence my life […]

Which is why I sunk into depression to begin with….. I’m not motivated to want a lot of the BS products on the market…. most things I have to make for myself

but then I get into the cost….. and it’s more than I’ve got, almost always.

I don’t know if it’s unjust or not being denied it, but it’s frustrating because I feel like all people want from me is some desire towards things, some kind of interest in engaging with the world…. and when I do come up with something…. oh no that’s too much. So you want me to get out of my bed […]

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Stupid little dumb dumb

Pathetic little idiot

Better off dead to the world due to your rot

Worthless rot worthless rot worthless rot you are nothing but worthless rot

The unlovable mistake, the annoying little brat, the failure at life, the moron who would be better off dead. The selfish brat who still acts like a child because you are stupid and worthless. The shit daughter, the bitchy oldest sibling. The vile to look at little worm. Nothing but a disgusting little worm. Nothing nothing nothing.

You don’t deserve your friend. You don’t deserve any of your family’s support. You don’t deserve you partner, who all you’ve ever done is […]

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Fucking fungus is EVIL. I’m literally fucking cursed with this shit.

Most of my current issue now is dealing with my fucking fungus. it literally takes up HOURS of my time EVERY SINGLE DAY dealing with this shit. Constant putting on creams, vinegar, oils, and showering and scrubbing and this and that, literally half my day is spent battling this shit. It doesn’t go away, it only spreads. And no, there isn’t any easy cream or lotion or pill that gets rid of it. Last line of attack is this really noxious pill that is ONLY about 60%. While […]

The thoughts come at night. I mean, they are there all the time lately, somewhere close to the surface. At night they get strong. Distractions stop working, the images take over, take a hold and will not let go. My whole being rearranges itself around them, my new core, my only thought. Cutcutcut. Escape. I know it will not solve anything. I know the guilt, shame and pain it would cause. And yet, the urge is so strong. I need it. I cannot go on, i cannot keep forcing my lungs to breathe without it. I cannot stand existence. I know it will not help. […]

It’s dumb. Being gay or trans makes you a target. I have so much respect for Brandon. He was a cool guy, wish I could’ve met him. The way the cop handled his rape case reminds me of how I was treated when I went through rape, or someone showing up with a car after putting stuff in my house. Oh, and on a small level, how I’m treated over the 911 song, or the violent comps. How Gaga/Teen Mom 2 was using “Lee” “Harley” as an excuse to say drink poison when I vented on here. My point is, being gay means […]

@thebends, i’m copying your comment here so I can reference it if it’s in one of my posts.

—comment from @thebends—
Hey eternal don’t worry I won’t be leaving, the dark thoughts are too much a part of me to ever go away. But since I’ve outrun those dark thoughts (for now) I won’t have much to complain about so I’ll just be posting here less. Regardless of suicide, I think this is one of the best sites on the internet for expressing our feelings without being judged, so I won’t go far.

About our situations, I notice they’re a lot alike so maybe your path […]