General

Literally in almost everything you do, no matter how good your intention or what you’re trying to do, in the end eventually sooner or later everything just keep failing & crumbling down to nothing. I don’t know why. It’s like I have bad lucks even in small little things. Everything doesn’t work out, even when I’ve already at least tried. Nothing matters.

I don’t even know anymore what to do, or even what to believe. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t even know anymore, if god does exist (or any ‘spiritual’ system like karma or “law of attraction” thing etc etc), what is […]

doped up on pills and babbling into the void just for the sake of giving myself some reading material when i sober up. I wonder if M is dead. The last thing she told me was that she had relapsed on heroin and I never heard from her again. She didnt want to die. Not like the others. What a fucking shame it would be if she’s dead. but i guess we all saw it coming. Is it normal to have so many friends who are dead? I have more dead friends than living ones.

D’s funeral was surreal. Snapshots are all I remember. Beginning with […]

I can’t sleep. I’m at my friend’s house – she’s been asleep since 8:00 which is wild to me. No hate to her, I’ve just become more nocturnal by the night. I’m glad we got to hang out for a bit. I’m also glad I got out of the house for awhile – I get out of babysitting for a night at least. I’ve been watching YouTube, listening to music and drawing to keep myself busy until I get tired. I feel more comfortable here, I feel liked, I guess, and not just needed to help with my sisters all the time and being stuck […]

Well, I saw my siblings and had a night out. It’s like medicine, idk. I feel a lot better. Pulled me away from the suicidal funk. A little bit of “happy pride month” and I didn’t even bring anything up. They say it like it’s Xmas. ? it means a lot, and having family. Man, it’s been years. Where have I been. I don’t have to vent. Didn’t have to bring up my suicidal crap. Natural laughter, catching up. Old birthday gift from 2019. A scrapbook. It […]

I was out drinking at brothers place. Its like a 5 story apartment complex. His idea was to hangout with these low lifes outside and chill while I was buzzing off of like 10 shots of whiskey. They were strangers. Anyways i went over my limit puked and i suppose that set this guy off. He managed to talk my brother to go inside the building get something, and this POS decided to hit me in the face with one of those plastic shovels. Still hurt pretty good. Cops wont do shit, because theyre trash. My brother is also trash because he dont want problems […]

today i was reminded of an old friend who always said the key to a happy life is being the big fish in a small pond. fuck that. How can you be truly happy knowing your greatest accomplishments are just piss in a puddle? More to the point, how can you be happy without earning the respect of people you respect?

thats the problem with small ponds. if you’re truly the ‘big fish’ then all the little fish around you are just toadies & sycophants, kneeling to your greatness but they would just as soon kneel to a velvet elvis. Fuck this little shit town and […]

I’ve locked myself into something I don’t necessarily want to do currently. Go out. I’m just tired. Always tired. All the time. Maybe it’s peer pressure and not really going out much anyway, but I told my roommates I’d go out with them tonight. I’ve gone out with them before and had a good time many times but I tend to stay home or just chill by myself. Game mostly or just solo drive around. Idk. I just feel uncomfortable and a little annoyed. Maybe I should’ve stayed asleep.

Idk why I’m so angry lately. Pressure to quit the job I have for a […]

I want to die so badly. Pride month means nothing anymore. I’m tired of existing in a hateful world. Gaga told me to drink poison and called me ugly on her video. That’s a felony right? I was already going to kms. But she did it on June 1st. I want to hang myself today. I can’t take it anymore.

I have done a lot of good things recently and today I got up at 6 in the morning and I had so much energy and I took the dogs out and I had breakfast and I made coffee for the whole family and I was doing a lot of things until the afternoon came and I felt depressed and now I have been lying in my bed for 2 hours I think. I barely feel hungry at all for the past two weeks and my right eye hurts all the time. I don’t enjoy anything at all. I only wanted to talk to a […]

I cannot recommend Warren Zevon strongly enough, his music has done more to make a dent in my depression than several therapists and medications. Anyway had to get up early for an appointment and this song helped get me moving. Hoping it can do the same for someone else. (though conversely, I would not wish an early appointment on anyone.)

There’s many reasons why “therapists” did not work for me, and one of those reasons is what this guy mentions.

People think that going to see a therapist automatically means they are all good, qualified people and help you get BETTER, but I’ve been to many therapists and they do such a shitty job that I felt WAY WORSE after sessions. People think “just see a therapist” as if it’s an end-all be-all. Like oh look, there’s a SOLUTION and you just won’t take it. Then blame you if you don’t go or if the shitty therapists don’t help.

Many of those people are […]

I was typing up a WHOLE LONG post and my finger slipped (as it often does) and accidentally closed the page (as it often happens). The WHOLE THING IS LOST. So fucking annoying.

And my finger slips and hits keys I don’t want to hit all the time, probably bc the keys on the keyboard are too close together (I’m on a small laptop) and whatever buttons required to close a tab is way too easy to accidentally press. -_-

Today’s not really been that great. I’m just really depressed, and lonely, and constantly fighting my head. I picked up a game I havent played in awhile and played that for quite a while. It was nice… I’ve not had much energy for any of that. I also picked up a pencil and drew something for the first time in a month. Wasted a few hours on youtube, wasting data… but I dont really want quiet today, my thoughts are too loud. Today’s been wasted, like I waste all my other days. I feel like my existence is just a waste. I need to get […]

I am FUCKING PISSED that the shitty PC place refused to let me take the PC Repair Class years ago. There was a program for unemployed people to take classes so they can learn skills and get employed, and they had one right near my old apt. But they wouldn’t take me bc I wasn’t the race they wanted (it was run/staffed by a certain group of ethnic people) and they wouldn’t let me take that class even though I qualified. It was a horribly racist place. I qualified and they refused to even put me on the list bc […]

1st- My laptop fell and either the charger or charging port got damaged. Spent time running around to a PC repair shop. Hopefully it’s just the charger but I’m scared it’s the charging port that got damaged bc it feels loose. Actually, it wasn’t charging properly the last 6mo+ or so. I really hope it’s just the charger bc if it’s the port then that’s going to cost money to have someone fix it. Plus the time that I can’t use the laptop and the energy involved going to several PC repair shops to find the lowest price, which is […]

Wondering if most suicidal people are into “dark” movies? Sure I’ll watch all types of genres but I’ve always gravitated to the more “dark” movies ever since I was a kid. Sci-fi, horror, murder, death, etc.

Hell, would be interesting to see a study as who who watches what kind of movies. Do happier people watch happy-go-lucky movies? Comedies? Do depressed ppl watch more morbid movies? Who watches true crime? Loads of middle aged women are glued to true crime shows. What does it say about middle age women lol

What dark movies/shows do you recommend?

Sigh, movies not really doing it […]

I feel like an alien. I don’t feel like I belong here or anywhere. I joined a website recently that has people that share similar interests as mine. I have 30 or so “friends” on there but I only actually talk to one. I read the blog posts my “friends” make and it’s making me aware of how wholly and utterly different I am from everyone. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

My “friends” talk of spending their summer going out with friends, riding their horses, flirting with their crushes, rekindling past relationships, whatever. Meanwhile, I’m spending my summer in my room alone, […]

I’m sorry to everyone (irl) who care(s)(d) about me in this life, despite being a worthless little nothing. For whining and being selfish. For being unreliable and bad with words for comfort. Even when trying to help, which is as much as possible, all I do is destroy and ruin. To my partner: you deserve better… I think you know that. I’m sorry I wrote the note that got me sent here. Everything after has been a domino effect of that. I’m sorry for being so disgusting and selfish. I still love you.

I havent eaten anything yet today and I dont think I will. For two […]