If you really, really loved me, if you honestly care so much for my wellbeing then leave a gun somewhere for me to find. I’ll do the rest.
Category:
Rants
Don’t even read this. It’s pointless and a waste of time. Just a lot of words. If you do read this, props to you.
You know… It’s so tragic it’s almost funny. At times I feel like I have everything figured out, all my I’s dotted, all my T’s crossed. And in the end. I really don’t have shit. I have nothing. Zip, Zero FUCKING ZILCH. When it comes right down to it, I am a goddamn fucking wreck. Emotionally, Mentally, and Physically, all round I am Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. Fucked. I’m so Fucked that I really don’t even know how fucked I am. I keep thinking, keep telling myself “oh just take one more step, one more breath, have just a tad, a smidge more compassion […]
While meeting my husband, I need a mask that tells him that he is a real nice, caring spouse and he does knows everything about me. While meeting my parents, I need a mask that tells them that they were right in their every parenting decision, including arranging my marriage. While talking to the siblings, yet another mask that makes them feel secure and protected by their big sis. Yet another mask for co-workers and acquaintances (well I don’t have friends, Let me rephrase it, I never HAD any friends) to make them like me. Sometimes, I feel I need a mask just to look in the […]
I have been depressed for a long time and still never believed I was lonely, I have family and family etc.
Just this week it all came clear to me. Nobody understands me, nobody know who I really am, they don’t care about anything I like or are interested in, so I have nobody close to talk to.
Now it only feels like I have no friends, and my family are another world away from me. I don’t talk to them, and I have nothing to say to them, if I started talking about a passion or something I’m interested in, they would be hearing my voice, […]
That’s how it goes. I’m not looking for sympathy or empathy or anything really, just felt like finally posting something after being registered for such a long while and not doing anything with it.
My stories the same as most, severe depression since I was young, when my mom got injured at work and I basically lost her, at least in my mind how it felt. She was a single mom so with no one else there to help us, it was up to me to take care of everything. That wasn’t so bad really, I liked the responsibility.
Fast forward a few years, I’m 12 or […]
…the people here at my workplace. I really fucking don’t.
At the beginning of every month, we have a client who brings in their stuff for us to work on. I do half of it, and my co-worker J does the other half (all in the same program). We’re both qualified to do it all ourselves and it’s not like it takes that long to have just one of us do it all, but for some reason they still have it split between the both of us.
Anyway, I have been included into the mix of this client since the beginning of Spring this year (I’ve been […]
I don’t know what to do anymore. If I do what I’m told, people disappointed at the outcome, if I don’t do it, they are still disappointed. If I do it properly, exatly how they told me to do it, they are dissapointed I didn’t do more. If I do a little extra, they complain and say I should have let someone else do it or should have done even more. Are people ever satisfied that I suffer just to try and keep them alive or able to support their family?! I’m I just that freaking pathetic?
I always hated that word. Pathetic. I would always […]
Have you ever had one of those days where you just keep messing up and nothing anyone says, good or bad, can overcome everything you’re telling yourself?
Have you ever had one of those days where you just want to curl up into a ball and cry, or maybe fall asleep and never wake up again?
Have you ever had one of those days where you feel so useless and that no one actually wants you there?
Have you ever had one of those days where you want to be yourself, but you know that people will question what you are doing?
Have you ever had one of those […]
It’s so hard for me to answer questions people ask me. Like just general questions. It’s either because I honestly don’t know or I don’t know if I should tell someone the truth or come up with a lie.
Q: “How’s work going?” Lie: It’s good. Thinking: I’d rather die than continue going there everyday.
Q: “How’s life treating you?” L: No complaints here. You? T: It’s treating me like a worthless piece of shit and I really don’t care how awesome yours is.
Q: “How are you today?” L: I’m great! T: I’d rather I hadn’t seen today, honestly.
Q: “How are you feeling?” L: I’m feeling fine. […]
You could have never known, and things would be no different. I tried to stay in touch; I made it clear I valued your friendship. I know life can be busy, and when so many people are on the edge of depression it’s hard to get excited about anything at all.
Even a person.
You’re forgiven for that, just like you always have been. I’ve never been known for a shortage of apologies after all; but you don’t get to pretend you just lost me.
You lost a little of me when I told you that secret, the one I could barely face myself, and you made me […]
Sorry this is so long, but I’m so confused and heartbroken right now. I need advice/opinions.
This past weekend was a party at a friend’s house. MC (my friend that I love so deeply and can’t get over) was there, but I felt OK. I was OK when people were talking to J (MC’s fiancé) about what wedding dress she going to buy. Just to be safe though, I avoided MC. But after awhile it felt childish to be talking to everyone but him. So I said hello and we joked around a little. He was in a great mood, but he kept putting his face and hands very close […]
I hate it. I hate it so much. Being with my friends (when I’m treated fairly) helps me so much. I just want to be with them all forever. It’s comforting and it distracts me. When I’m at home I’m alone, they don’t text me and I look at my phone and beg for them to. The only time my friends really reply is when I’m with them and my depression keeps me from most of that happiness..
I can’t fucking stand it here. I hate this place. I love my field of work, but I hate the people and this entire work environment. I’m tired of being yelled at, especially for things that shouldn’t be my fault. I do what I’m told, so if I fail it’s because you didn’t tell me thoroughly what needs done. You can’t give me half of an assignment and expect me to know how to finish it correctly. But apparently that makes me a bad worker because I can’t read people’s minds or go back twenty years and learn how you guys do things here.
I don’t […]
life comes so easy to so many people. decent people around them. decent grades at school. decent personality. decent appearance.
thats all i really wanted. an average, decent life. i could live with that. but not this life where everything is a struggle.
things do work out better for some. dont tell me nothing good comes easy. the only good that comes easy for me is these suicidal thoughts and plans because they are my only escape from this hell life.
i am back to lying in bed all day staring at the walls falling in and out of sleep. it makes sense that this is how it […]
When people look at me, they don’t see me. It’s my fault for hiding and lying and smiling, but sometimes I wish that someone would see me and ask what was wrong.
When people look at me, they see ridiculously high grades, higher than they have. They don’t see how I fall apart every time I look at a math problem, how I always have doubts no matter how well I’m doing, how I constantly worry.
When I say I’m nervous about a hard test, everyone scoffs. They’re usually right t0 – I always pass. They don’t understand that I really am nervous… I’m so stressed that I want to curl up […]
I’m a below average statured man, yet i htink my looks may be not that bad. at a certain point in my life i began that noticing sometimes in public setting women would notice me.
Like this morning i went for lunch with my parents at a fine restaurent when then this gorgeous girl walked in with (i think) her Grandparents and they sat in a table next to us and it happened she noticed me.
Maby its the reason i’m feeling so bad today knowing that i’m a socially awkward fuck, that i dont have the guts and even if i had no woman whats to […]
I don’t really want to kill myself, I just want the pain to end. The fact that I haven’t done it already also makes me feel like I’m a weak person. What an oxymoron, how can I be weak when I’ve been strong enough to get though almost 30 years of suffering with depression. Sometimes the sadness and anger feels unbearable. I have no one to talk because no one in my life understands or really wants to. Because of my depression and mental illness, I was not always a good mom. Now that they are grown, they do things to push my buttons and […]
Usualy people dread mondays, something i’ve always found dificult to grasp as my least favourite day of the week has always been Sunday, specially since my depression and suicidal thoughts began, specially now during the winter. when the cold and cloudy days take their toll.
And here i am again in the living room thinking about killing myself, and as opposed to perhaps all of you wishing for Monday to kick in.
recently, i’ve discovered yet another sickening dilemma caught up inside me. i’m already filled with them you see, but the space inside of me can always grow to accommodate more internal turmoil it seems. especially now that the only person i ever trusted completely is gone, and i’ve damaged all the meaningful relationships with those around me, and my head keeps spinning telling me i can never be happy, and i believe that my head is right.
due to my past and the likely hood of my future based on my functioning as a human being. you see, i am weak. all i’ve ever contributed in […]