I am a dreamer, I admit. I am not always realistic. That’s a fact. I followed my dreams. I was never afraid to chase after the crazy ideas in my head. The processes has been painful. I have failed again and again, yet managed to slip by. I watch as my grades hit catastrophic lows and my social life deteriorates. All of my dreams are slipping through my fingers. Why can’t I do what everyone else can? I am intelligent. I am creative. I have endless possibilities. …But that’s all they’ll ever be… possibilities. While I could write a poem that would bring you to […]
Rants
Why is it so hard for me to let people in? Why do I put on a mask and hide my emotions? I can almost feel a curtain come down, blocking my soul from whoever may be there.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck,trapped oddly enough by my family. My husband has too much at work, and I don’t know how my kids would handle me having a second stay in the hospital in one year. That’s why the permanent solution keeps rolling around in my brain. Just be done with all of this. There’s a […]
Gives advice to some people, now some are completely okay.
Can’t take own advice , life’s completely f*cked up!
Encourages people not to kill themselves.
Planning suicide minutes after.
Tells other people that life’s gonna turn out great someday.
Curses the world for his/her crappy life.
Ha-ha they say to me. They ask me why, I say it’s still a mystery. Ha-ha to me.
Last night was interesting. All I could do was curse, maybe cry a little, and drink. I had a bottle of whiskey and it was going down like water. It was delicious and numbing. By the end of the bottle though, I was just getting more and more sad. I didn’t have any more alchohol to help me, so I broke the bottle. Pissed and crying I could think of anything to do. I took a long shard of glass and drug it across my skin. The blood flowed just like the whiskey. I was going down with the bottle this time.
I was thinking back about when I started to self-harm. It’s not really clear to me, but I think it’s a long time ago. I’m now 17 and I can remember that at an age of 10 I was already self-mutilating. Things like bang my head against the wall when I was not feeling well and hurting myself by means of abusing to myself, provoking quarrels and so on. Maybe I started earlier, but at an age of ten I can remember it very well. Therefor I can remember I was nail biting, but not other things that can be specify as self-mutilating behavior. The […]
Deadline. It’s a funny word, is it not? Almost two days have passed since March 18th, 2013: my deadline. The day when I told myself that something had to change, something great had to take place, or I’d end it all. It’s strange to me now: all that time, I had told myself I would do this, and then when the day finally came… I hoped out. Not chickened out, not choked out, hoped out. My mind is afflicted and warped to always believe that things could get better, even when the events out my life have proven that to be painfully false more often […]
I think I hate myself… no wait, I know I hate myself.
I’m just sick of everything. I’m sick of the pressure to try and fit in, to try and have friends, to look good so people talk to me.
I’m sick of being a people pleaser, of hurting other people.
I’m such a f*cking *****.
I wish i could stop thinking straight. I wish I could let go of my obsessions. I wish I could run away and be alone forever. I wish I could slash up every inch of my body. Anything to get away from this f*cked sense of reality I’ve learned […]
I was raped.
Only 11 years old.
I didn’t know what was happening. Nor had I ever gotten purposely drunk or smoked pot before.
I thought that was what love was…
After that, I became sex crazed. By the end of high school I was known as the local slut that was passed around. Guess whats what happens when you let men fuck you and pass you on to their friends like a piece of meat. But I didn’t care. Why? Because I was punishing myself. I felt that I deserved to relive my rape because I wasn’t happy with myself. And why shouldn’t I be happy? I have an incredible […]
Why can’t she see that I’m not alright?
Why can’t she see that I need her?
Why can’t she see that I hate myself?
Why can’t she see how I feel about her?
More importantly, why do I have to feel this way about her?
Why do I have to love her?
Do you know how often I hear people talk bad about gays, lesbian, and bisexuals? I listen to people go on about how it’s “Immoral” or “wrong” and I just have to sit there, clenching my fists, wanting to punch them all in the face. Because if they knew. If they really knew, then I would never be accepted. […]
My life is good. I don’t have to worry about much, my parents give me food, shelter, money etc. I’m in college doing a degree I love, but have no motivation to do any of the assignments. I feel like killing myself all the time because it would just be easier than feeling pain all the time. I just don’t want to live. I struggle to do things now. I only do them because I don’t want my parents to be disappointed. All the money they wasted on me for a failed son.  I’ve made plans to kill myself before my birthday, but I don’t know if I’ll go through with […]
Ever since I was 12 I wanted a wife, kids, and to be a doctor.  It was the perfect life to me, to have all that happiness as soon as possible.  I’m with the girl of my dreams, the girl who can be the one.  She even use to say she wants all of that…with me.  Starting two months ago though she seems to be ignoring me and not talking to me like she use to.  The anniversary rituals seemed to have stopped.  I went to the hospital today and she was worried and was talking to me more than she has been.  It made […]
I’m that guy that has been shit on more than anybody knows. Early days as a kid I was harassed daily and tormented by fellow classmates because of my mothers crack addiction. The only reason they knew was because their parents did drugs along with my mother. Was born with a bad foot which pretty much opted me out of any sports or doing well as I could. Shyness throughout the years was difficult to deal with as I learned to talk to females and learn what they wanted and what they saw. My father has been in prison all my life and haven’t read […]
As we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.
Favorite line from my favorite song. But moving forward.
I’ve been plagued with the world’s worse bout of depression I’ve ever felt. Its not that I havn’t felt this way before, but the difference here is that I can’t cry; and something about that seems to be hindering my healing process. Quite frankly though, I’m getting tired. Very tired.
I feel like I’m going insane, and the stillness I’m experiencing is like an inner ring of hell. I’m depressed to a point where there’s NOTHING I want to do, which makes no sense seeing as […]
There is something wrong with me…I’m just not sure what it is. Most of the time I’m sad, and at other times I don’t really feel anything. It’s like I’m numb. Maybe I’m overreacting or just really dramatic but it’s been this way for almost two years now. I always have thoughts of killing myself. The idea of it scares me and usually when I am thinking about doing it, I talk myself out of it. I’m scared that one of these times I might actually go through with it and then what? I know my family would miss me and so would very few […]
I can’t believe it.
She’s gonna die. She hasn’t died yet, but she’s on the brink.
My BEST FRIEND who has cancer is going to be gone forever. I just don’t know what to do! I can’t help her because I’m not magical, but I can’t help feeling that I’m supposed to do something. Seriously, I’m just lost.
She has an overall positive attitude about it, on the outside. But if you have a best friend, you can tell when they are actually fine and when they are scared shitless. She is scared shitless, and who can blame her?
She has less than a year to live. What am […]
I grew up in the church. Hell, I should say I was the church. At many of the churches I attended, my five older siblings, my parents, the pastor, and I made up the whole congregation. But that didn’t matter. Because the God I knew and loved was there. He was in my church, he was in my thoughts, he was in my life… but somewhere along the lines, one of us left. Now, it’d be easy to point fingers and say that I left. After all, I’m the human being shaped in iniquity, and He’s the all-knowing God. But me? Why would I leave? […]
Waking up–that’s the hardest thing for me to do. I find myself tired all of the time. It’s not so much that I am physically tired as it is that I am mentally tired, and my brain transmits the feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and restlessness to the rest of my body. My dreams are a blur… images of things that I can’t get to make sense, my meaningless days played back and forth for my mind to review. Scenes for my brain to recount so it can ask itself, “What went wrong?” and “How the hell did we end up here?” Sleep is supposed to […]
my throat hurts.. I’m in journalism thinking things over.. Wondering if i should cut, I almost did last night and I wanted it deep… I wanted it so I couldn’t walk only limp…It’s hard to cry.. my best friend is in Hawaii for ten days leaving me stuck alone. I guess I’ve managed to rope myself in a weird sex slave agreement thing but I don’t know.. just doing things to take my  mind of the buzzing in my head and throbbing in my throat.. too sad to type or think rationally, I just want to break down in front of this screen but I’m […]
It all started when my friend since preschool committed suicide. We were not best friends or anything, but that was just him. He was a shy quiet kid, good family, church boy, track star, and a really good kid. I heard about it from my sister on the night he hung himself, and then as expected, from everyone at school the net day. Everyone was talking about it, saying they were best friends, writing the date on their backpacks or arms, and I sat there just getting angrier and angrier that he would leave me here. He left me all alone, and now I have […]
By any means, I am not a ray of sunshine. I can’t help it. I’m only a teenager and I’ve basicly given up on life. I have no hopes for the future.
I used to want to be a journalist. I wanted to move back to Ireland and write about everything and anything. I wanted to get married and have a kid or two. I just wanted something out of life, but now I feel nothing. I feel numb. I just don’t know what I actually want. I had plans to do marvelous things with my best friends. But now, since one’s dead and the other […]