Do you know what it feels like to have the last person you would say goodbye to if you killed yourself tell you that you’re a terrible fucking person? I’ll tell you what it feels like. It feels like your chest caving in on itself, your throat being torn out by the vocal cords, and your heart being crushed under the weight of unspoken words. It feels like fresh makeup running in lines down your face and like each heartbeat is a damnation, an act of sin. It feels like dying in the worst possible way and makes the noose you tied from your […]
Rants
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Virtual Reality ( VR ) , Artificial Intelligence ( AI ) , Transhumanist / Transhumanism , space travel , mutations : to escape this boring reality , boring real world , boring real life !
Human’s imagination is better than reality !
Movie / Movies is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Game / Games is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Comic / Comics book is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Novel / Novels is better than boring reality , real life , real world !
Science fiction ( sci-fi […]
It really comes as no surprises.
But I hate life in general.
Had the great moments, had friends, I guess
Then I made everything worse. I practically ruined everything.
So why blame life, right?
Well, life. Why did you give me the chance to do it in the first place?
Why made me, so that I would hurt others.
Why made me, do you want me, who is going to die anyway. WE ALL DO. You want me to do what? Live?
I want to know why
Why you do all of this.
Why do you care
Why did you allow me into this.
I kinda know there is no omnipotence god out there, […]
Why do some say its love or death?
If there is another option then go for it;
for me there is just death.
Its not a an if its a when.
Honestly, ive tried before,
people who know tell me its a miracle.
To me its a curse,
It feels inescapable
Ive heard stories,
people who are glad they failed,
To me it feels like I can’t even do it right.
I will succeed next time.
I don’t care when
Loose ends don’t matter to dead people.
I know that this sounds strange and I don´t know how to completely explain this, but I have to get it off my mind. So I am not a normal person when it comes to fearing things, my deepest fear is myself. The reason I fear myself is because I hide from my dark side. So I try to keep myself active in things and to keep myself from relaxing, because if I do I think about things and I start thinking about depression and suicide. And this happens a lot. I also fear myself because I am capable to commit suicide, meaning that I […]
One.
For the sadness that lies deep in my heart,
And for the freedom that’s about to start.
Two.
For the hurt I’ve felt for 6 long years,
And for those long nights filled with tears.
Three.
For the emptiness I always feel,
And for my soul that will never heal.
Four.
For the broken smile I always fake,
And for my joy that always seems to break.
Five.
For a life I no longer want to live in,
And for death to take over and win.
Twenty.
For my last breath I will ever take,
And for my eyes to close and never to wake.
– A.B
Just a little background information: The countdown are not seconds, or time in general.
All this stress from not wanting to be alive anymore, to fake friends , no real emotional support, my rape, my rape case going up into smoke and having to still continue living when my suicide attempt wasn’t successful has been weighing me down the whole year. Today for two minutes I find some kind of solace, or peace that felt was the closest thing to feeling celestial I could achieve (considering I don’t believe in God, heaven or hell). Then I find out then I’m about to flunk out of school and that numbing misery is re-injected into my soul to disinfect the small […]
I wish I lived somewhere better. I envy people who get to live in good countries like USA and UK. I can’t concentrate on anything and I cry during nights about the country I live in. This hit me really hard this year and keeps getting worse as time goes on.
To be frank, that is what I am, very, very, inconceivably tired. In all honesty, I just want it to end already. I am but two decades old and yet I feel a hundred and maybe a half! Every year my mind seems to age by four years! I’m so worn out with all the mental distress that I just want to scream.
On top of that, I feel trapped in a festering hole in life and nobody seems to want to point me in the right direction to try and find my way. Those who do are shoved out of the way by those I […]
Have you ever f*cked up a situation or friendship that you honestly believed was unf*ckable? That you believed was foolproof, with no f*ckabilty ratio?
I did that yesterday..and it sucks.
I just thought I could open up more, to someone I have been trying to open up to for a few years now. It is not a relationship, but it was helping me get through some things. I considered him to be a friend. And now he sees me as a crazy, depressed, hopeless loon; so I lost another friend.
Here’s to another birthday knowing that I should just keep my f*cking mouth shut when it comes […]
I have no will to live anymore, I basically see my life as an object. so easy to get rid of or to break. I cant tell my family because they see it as a weakness as a set back they always tell me just to be happy but how can I force happiness I cant just force a smile on my face, but lately that seems to be all I’m doing. I self harmed a month ago I cried that day because of it but does anyone know, nope well whoever reading this does now. I’m failing my classes because of anxiety, because all […]
I have a lot going for me. I have college ahead and an amazing boyfriend. He gives me the world and loves me more than anyone else has. I know that I love him. But it feels weird sometimes because I go through these moments where I don’t feel anything and I don’t like it. I love him more than anything but when I feel nothing, I am so mean. I forget that people have feelings and I lash out and act like a flaming ****. I hate it but when I’m this way, its like I’m moving through a daze and I am just […]
It’s hard to pretend everything is the same, that nothing is wrong. It’s really hard to say “Yeah, we will go on that trip next year” when you won’t be alive next year. But if I don’t pretend, someone may find out my plans. I can’t fail, I must die.
I changed method for the third and last time, I think this one is a pretty safe one.
The deadline is so painfully close. I’m kinda scared… or is it “sad”? I don’t know, I don’t know much about feelings.
Sorry, but this is a religious question for those who are not religous.
So I have been thinking about this with one of my friends that if I commit suicide then I go to Hell, but I don´t understand. The reason I am confused is because if we commit suicide, but we believe in God, or what ever religion you may be, people say that you will go to sin and go to Hell but if a man who murdered thousands of people, and believes in God, then he will go to Heaven. So I am wondering if I commit suicide and believe in God, will […]
I know a lot of people may choose to ignore this, if so, i hope you skip breakfast the next day (kidding). However, im hoping that there is one person, just one, who hears me out. Im not asking for a reply, though feel free to do so if you wish. I think i’ve blabbered enough, so let me get to the point:
Im losing my mind.
Every depression help center i go to, or any article i see, i see in bold:
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, IT WILL GET BETTER. HELP IS EVERYWHERE.
I wish i could believe the nice people down at ‘the guardian’, but frankly i […]
There are many times in the past I’ve wanted to cut, to hurt myself… But I didn’t. Because I’m afraid.
Now I cut, I slashes across my skin to creat scars… But now I’m afraid of what would become of me… What would my future be.
I’m such a coward… Afraid of everything, I don’t even dare to go deeper with my razor… Only because I’m afraid, of being found out, and afraid of the unknown amount of pain… Waiting for me in the future.
I’m scared of pain… But I love pain.
I’m scared of blood, but I’m fascinated by it.
I’m such a coward.
I’m sorry I exist, I apologized to my mother not even an hour ago. Her response was, I wouldn’t go that far. How far Mom? As far as to cease to exist? It would be so much easier, to just cease to exist. Taking a life seems so dramatic, it’s effects long lasting. Ceasing to exist is much more simple, one just doesn’t anymore. No one is hurt, no family, friends, or co-workers. If anything, they’re actually better off; they never actually had to deal with me and my bullshit. I never disappointed them or let them down or hurt them in any way, shape, […]
Where do people even get the motivation to get out of bed, to eat, to take a shower, to pay their bills?
I feel so helpless, I just think that someday I’m going to end up staying in bed, losing everything, ending up on the streets, and dying in a cold alley of starvation and emptiness.
Everything makes me nauseous with disgust and exhaustion; relationships are meaningless, food is tasteless, everything is so fucking pointless, and still, despite this horrible perception that has taken hold of me like weeds in a garden, I still get up and do what I do.
That’s the part that irritates me […]
I don’t think I can continue this life anymore. I’ve been struggling with anxiety for about 6 years and major depression for 2 years.
I only have a couple friends. They are my only friends, but we don’t see each other much because one of them works a lot, and the other lives a state away.
It feels like I’m wasting my life away. I haven’t done anything spectacular or fun. I’ve never dated anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship. I’ve never had a large group of friends. I’ve always been the outcast, the invisible one, the freak.
No one really cares about me. I know they […]
I’m an unemployed dad and husband. Many who read this will likely react with advice that nobody’s gonna help me, I have to help myself, and that I’m a whiner, etc., etc. I know this. Nobody cares about me, my family nothing. I don’t go to bed worrying about others. Why should they?
My kids hate me. My wife hates me. I have relationships with neither. My community treats me like a leper. People who interview me cannot get past my splotchy work record. They don’t know how much they need help and how much I can help them.
I have graduate degrees from top prestigious universities.