It’s been a long time. A lot has happened. I started having pain in Jan-Feb this year and found out I’ve got arthritis on the level of an 80-90 year old and I need my knees replaced within this year. Of course I can’t get that because I’m on state care. It’s rapidly degenerating and I face being in a wheelchair unable to do anything for myself. The nerve damage has gotten worse and I can’t feel anything but PAIN in my hands and feet and it makes it hard to wipe my ass just because it’s so painful to hold on to the toilet […]
Rants
I receive no justice for my rape, no friends to comfort or care about me, failed hopes and dreams, a family who have no understanding or provide no solace for the pain I have been through and no love to somehow be my hero and rescue me form hellish existence. Somehow I’m suppose to live and persevere through the misery and turmoil I suffer through now for some false pretense of a better future. FUCK THAT!!! I’m tired of seeing life as precious as they do. I’m tired of living by their rules. I’m getting my escape and I don’t give a fuck whose fake […]
Life is hard when you are alone. I have tried to make friends, but it’s very hard. The only friends I have are SP members, a group of people who I see once a week and one friend that lives in a different part of the world. So when I go to school, I have no one to talk to, eat lunch with, or just spend time with. So for 5 days a week for 8 hours days, which is 40 hours a week, I am alone, not literally, but I have no one to be with. Yes I have small chat and I say […]
back in march 2015, my best friend (really my only friend) died. i was 16 years old and of course, it destroyed me. i didnt leave my room for months, did terrible in school, my father had to force me to eat something most days, i never knew i could cry so much every single day.
i still feel that pain every day two years later. ive moved in with my grandparents, started taking antidepressants. i got slightly happy for a quick minute.
i met a girl, allie, through bellas death since she was a mutual friend. we instantly became close because of how we both lost […]
You know, that verse in the Bible that Lincoln famously quoted/paraphrased is really getting to me. “A house divided against itself cannot stand.” I have been divided against myself since the beginning. Part of me is the one living, and the other part of me is harshly criticizing that part of me. I constantly feel guilty for everything I do, even if it ends up fairly well for everyone involved because it’s never enough. Nothing is ever enough to counter all of my wrongdoings, you know?
I am at once the bratty kid in the grocery store who was not allowed to get something and the […]
why B? Why? What did I do to deserve you cheating on me? Especially the way you did. Why did you drive me to do that?! you honestly believe I’m happy how I retaliated? 15 years of my life came crashing down on me that cold Monday. You tore my soul out. I don’t know who I am anymore. Millions are praying today and I feel nothing. The devils I’m thinking how do I get the angel of death to take me.
This is isn’t right. None of it. I can’t get away from it. I try and try. Ultimately I get screwed. That’s what I’m good […]
Indeed. I lost my glasses that were very expensive. I caught a cold. My mother hurt her feet and spent almost every day in my house, meaning I couldn’t stay in my house, I had to kill time elsewhere and it was a FUCKING nightmare, I couldn’t do anything. We fought, I was reminded how my existence just bothers them. They hate who I am, they hate my personality, my interests, me as a whole. They hate me so much.
I promised myself my last week would be a peaceful one, so I couldn’t kill myself last week. Maybe next week, if I manage to finish […]
I notice that anger usually is my path to self destruction. I remember learning somewhere that the default emotion for men is anger. The default supposedly for women is sadness. Anyway, I have male anatomy and anger is my default.
I would be feeling fine if things were working well, isn’t it always the way? The issue comes back to unrealistic expectations, and for once they aren’t mine (or are they?).
I’m back in school, doing a full time load (actually a bit more). If all I was doing was school I could fucking succeed. It isn’t all I’m doing though.
First let’s talk about my health. I […]
At the very least, I hope this scatter-brained post will give you a laugh. Just kidding, I don’t hope for anything, save for what I mention in the following. Well, maybe some sections of this post will resonate with anyone who might read it some day.
Once I become financially stable and relatively successful, I might want to kill myself in complete sobriety so that I can prove this point to my dad: Not all suicides are a result of drug-ingestion or addiction. I’ve always wanted to die since I was a child. I even told my mom that “I want to go to Heaven already,” […]
I have almost everything i need but i dont have happieness. I have a girlfriend that is carrying my baby, i get paid enough so really not lacking any money!
But i have depression and its now taking over more than i was a year ago. I did go to therapy but its so god damn expensive so i quit that but went to a doctor instead and got meds for the depression, at first it was working but after 3-4 months it wasn’t working and i felt bad and i tried my first suicide very recently by overdozing. I was suppose to take 75 mg […]
I’ve been writing my goodbyes for a long time. They’ve never been quite right. They start out with gratitude and subtle apology but I get lost after that. I don’t feel grateful or sorrowful. I don’t feel much beyond the negative spectrums anymore. I’ll get brief bursts, like sun bursts through the clouds, but they are gone often while still happening. I have lived for myself but it was empty. I have lived for others and repeatedly failed in it. I have lived in transition while searching for solutions and believing that there must be another way.
Day after day it gets harder to breathe. I […]
So I have been having some bad days. I don’t mean like the day was bad, but for some random reason I started to feel sad, depressed, not hungry, and I don’t know why. Everything was going good and it just randomly started to get worst. The worst part is that I feel alone. And yes I see a bunch of people around school and places I go, but I still feel so alone and I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. And to make it worst is that I am always wearing a mask because I fear that if I showed how I […]
I feel like I’m stuck in this odd living limbo
Being torn between the desire to live and watch you grow
Or die and help you heal
My love for you three is pure
But my brain spoils it for you
It’s sick and decaying
Trapping me inside it as it try’s to drag me down into the pits of hell
My love is light and full of hope that flutters me to the surface of the darkness
Every harsh word and cold exchange tears a piece of the good in you away
I see the pain rise up to your faces when the darkness […]
Lately I’ve ben having these migraines that take everything that’s in me to stand. It’s not new, I used to have them daily until they somehow, the same pain transferred to my stomach. I got it checked out by a doctor long back and he gave me pills and said I was fine to go. Now the pain is back and it’s stronger than ever. I’m not being over dramatic or anything but it hurts to the point where I actually think there’s something wrong with me. Before I got back to my country I got a strong one and I literally cried myself to […]
Things are back to getting worse. I don’t know if I can proceed anymore, go threw all the upcoming months, get a year older, it’s just too much. I still have to finish high school and I don’t know how to feel about that. I want to escape. Get as far away as I can from this country but in order to do so I’ll have to get a scholarship and because of my background I don’t think I’ll be able to get one. Even if I do get one, I won’t be accepted for who I am, or at least I don’t think I […]
My life is a mess riht now. So about a month ago i broke up with my boyfriend that I was with for a year and a half. I finally realized how mean he was. He never put much interest into me and he never wanted to help me. For example, I felt it was neccessary to tell him about the time I was raped as a child because I was having a lot of nightmares about it and I was shutting down from it. But, when I told him he got mad at me. He said why would I think that he was equipted […]
Every single minute
Every single hour
Is too late, devoured
Her time had come
Her time had gone
The lyrics are missing, to my song
Every single minute
Every single hour
Was supposed to be ours
Her deed was done
Under a hurting fire
Not only hers to take, expire
She had done much more.
Every single minute
Every single hour
Is too late
3 year
2 year
Of Obligations devoured
All will be finished
All will be done.
“I’m sorry mother”-
Biting my tongue-,
You’ll be missing YOUR heart-,
-missing YOUR son.
I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like there is more than one soul in me. I have to make a choice, either be too kind and suffer the consequences or be heartless and later come crashing down. I could also just stay the way I am right now but the thing is I don’t feel fine. I could never stay like this. Ignoring the way I feel is killing me. I’m just tired and sick of this life. I feel so selfish, I have everything I need to be able to survive yet I’m still depressed. I just can’t go back. Summer is […]
I’m 22 and currently living on my own. My parents are paying my rent right now with the expectation that I will pay them back in the future. I applied for SSI back in March of this year because I tried to commit suicide two times in 2016 and was so messed up by the drugs I was put on from the doctors in the psych wards that I was not able to function at all. I’ve dealt with suicidal ideation since I was 9 years old and many psychiatrists growing up have diagnosed me Bipolar. The last two suicide attempts have been a result […]
One thing i´ve always thought of is that it´s so scary when someone mentally ill and suicidal (me) falls in love. We start feeling whole again. Like we´ve got a purpose, a reason to be here and a reason to start and try.
But one thing that really scares me and hurts me inside to think of is that; what happens when the person who´s saved me leaves? What happens when the person takes away all the hope and love and beauty and rip out all the stitches they used to put in their partner together again and the broken soul is left worse than they […]