as much as it pains me to admit, i’m a toxic person. it hasn’t always been this way, i used to make people smile and happy. now that’s not the case. my illnesses are eating away at me and they took my ability to enjoy seeing others happy away first. making people unhappy doesn’t fufill me either, i hate it. my relationship with my girlfriend is toxic but then again, all my relationships with everyone are toxic. my best friend never really gave a shit about me but i’ve told him to fuck off. i have no one but my girlfriend and i’m dragging her […]
Category:
Rants
An internet search on the phrase, “I’m so stupid”, landed me here tonight.
I’m not sure if its fate or not; but it’s ironic that I’m here, as I’ve been having somewhat of a breakdown since yesterday.
I used to have suicidal thoughts when I was much younger, but I could never muster up the courage to act on them. I wanted to believe I’d outgrown them, even though the feelings would creep in and out of my mind every once in a while. But I was in control, or so I believed. I’d have a few crying fits here and there, but I’d get over the […]
i’m really tired of being told to see a psychologist. i’m tired of being told it’ll get better. i’m just tired of all this false hope people expect me to soak in like a sponge. they expect me to instantly be cured of my illness just by simply looking at the bigger picture. i don’t see a bigger picture for me, i don’t want there to be one. i want to be dead.
when I start driving I never want to stop. when I’m driving I don’t have to worry about my bipolar mother or aggressive brother and his girlfriend. I don’t have to think about the fact that my uncle committed suicide or that my dad used to take out his anger on me with his fists. I don’t have to think about the hell hole I live in, or the fact that I don’t want to be alive. everyday I do the same routine, I go to school, go to my job, do homework, shower, sleep, and repeat. but, when I drive all I feel is […]
5 days ago I lost 136 days of being clean of cutting. It might seem like nothing but it took all of me to get past those 136 days. When I broke them it wasn’t like always. Right now, I feel so shitty about myself and I’m in a really bad place. I got through the last school year taking vitamin supplements because the doctor told me to do so. I stopped them about 2-3 months ago and for the past week I’ve been feeling so down and tired all the time. Last night, I slept for the longest I have ever slept since school […]
I can’t take it anymore I’ve wanted this for years. After my grandma died I felt lost. I was with her when it happened, I was only 12. After that my life just went downhill. I dropped out of school got in trouble with the police. I’m never going to amount to anything so why does it matter.
now i know i have problems with emotionally attaching myself to a boy. currently it’s to this one boy who i have ‘liked’ for almost the past two years. i know i shouldn’t depend my happiness on him, but i don’t know how to stop it.
last year he said he liked me back, but i just told him i liked him again today, but i included that i expected him not to like me now and all he said was “thanks for your kind words”
that fucking hit me harder than it should’ve. now i feel like i can’t work on my school work or do […]
my teacher the other week made me write an i am from poem.. i hated it, but now i feel like i can write a real one, who reflects who i actually am
i am from everlasting irrational fears about the most unrealistic situations
i am from sleepless nights thinking about the unanswerable questions and feeling scared to dream
i am from a good home, yet i still have problems,
which is something my foster sister will never understand
i am from being made fun of because of my race,
something that i had no control over
i am from jumbled thoughts that never seem to cease
i am from rainy days that are […]
call me weak, i already call myself that.
just this year everything around me got too much to handle and i experimented with self harm. well sort of self harm. i don’t use any objects sharp enough to make the wounds bleed right after. (it does scab over the next day)
i don’t know if that counts as self harm or not, but when I started doing it i justified it saying “it’s not real cutting I’m not using a razor or anything.”
but now i have scars on my arms, they’re faint (some of them are pretty obvious) since i don’t use a razor, but they’re there.
what […]
“Wanting to die, is a sin”
Our English teacher read that line. I was in shock. I could hear people whispering and laughing. No one seemed to care. How could she say that? How could the author of the book write about that? How do they want people to admit that they have been wanting to die when they are being taught that it is a sin? Telling us that, would only make us wish we were dead already. We have already got the sin, haven’t we? Why wait around and collect more sins by thinking the way we do? Wanting to die isn’t a choice, […]
Ever since school started I haven’t been posting since I barley have time to breathe. I visited the hospital about 2 weeks ago since the headaches and chest pain proceed. The doctor gave me pills for a week and immediately checked my oxygen level thinking it had something to do with my asthma. After we left the hospital my parents gave me shit not only because the doctor said it was nothing but also because I forgot my identity card at home. I’m starting to forget things for some reason and I want it to stop. If I keep on forgetting things I won’t be […]
All my life I’ve had the same reoccurring problem: I have never been able to make my parents proud of me. My relationship with them is almost nonexistent. My relationship with my mom will always be the one that bothers me the most. I can never get any sort of praise out of her. Even when I get A’s in classes and on assignments she always tells me I could “do better if i tried harder”, and this gives me the idea I will never meet her expectation which takes a huge toll on my self confidence and makes me afraid of disappointing others. I […]
ever had that moment in you life where you want to kilyourself because you never achieved anything? I do get compliments from people for my talent but I think that this talent does not suit the standard of my family.
I’m turning 18 and nothing is grand about that besides going to college. But I could not get the thought off of my head about how i will never be accepted because of my incompetency. I did even try to study but it turns out I get depressed once I’m around my friends. I dont even know if I still fit in the group because I […]
Have you felt like you can just never do anything right? All you want is to make something right but every time you try, it only gets messier?
I have been like that for a while now. Iam far from being a ” normal person”. Everyone wants to mould me into someone they need. And yet I try, only so that I could feel accepted for once. Feel loved for once. And guess what happens?
Everything I think I have something or someone, I only end up losing them.
Everyone seem to need me once in a while and every time, I ask for an […]
TL;DR- I used to be a good kid, then I ruined myself and tried to abandon school. I’ve had such a bumpy ride but it never stopped going downhill. I am so lost and the pressure is getting to me deeply. I want to end it all but I still feel guilt eating at me for leaving my family to suffer.
I want to start off by saying that I used to be happy, energetic and was, at some point, an intelligent kid. I was responsible and did school work and homework on time. Fast forward to 8th grade where the real problems began. I developed […]
Nipping at your heels
The nothing that steals
Seething, breathing
I can’t stand this feeling
Manifesting itself, in the hidden shelf
Of your mind
The hellscape in yourself, that you find
Real or not
It’s coming
Ready or fraught
Never whole again
Time stands still
The nothing that you feel
It’s like you’ve been here before
The blackness within
Fruitless battles rival, original sin
It’s so deeply ingrained
You can’t wash away the stain
It feels like you’ve slipped away
You know you’ll never sleep again
I thought about it a thousand times and did it once. It was a few years ago. The reason you ask? loneliness. I never told anyone what happened that night, not even my therapist. It DOES sound and feel stupid: I realized I like someone, after all those years of loneliness now there’s actually someone I like. But there was also a problem, what if, that person did not want me? now the pain would double up as if it wasn’t enough already. or the alternative, I told myself imagine you’re in a relationship but would that end every pain of yours? of course not, […]
This is a rant.
Why have leaf blowers that are loud as f*** and cost hundreds or thousands of dollars when you can easily just get an effing rake? Or broom. Does the job without being loud as s***. Not to mention it guzzles gas and is bad for the environment just cuz Americans are too damn lazy to move their arms back and forth to sweep.
Wouldn’t it actually cost LESS to pay someone to sweep rather than to use an expensive giant leaf blower? They’re so slow, and LOUD. Then again, maybe the sweeping sound is […]
i want to swallow pills, cut a huge gash on my wrist and then jump from a bridge
i want to destroy myself in every way possible
yet i have no courage to do so