I have so much to say, so much to think about, but I feel like I can’t find a part of humanity that will understand my way of thinking. In this world people care so much about things I find uninteresting. Maybe that is just an example of everyone being different, sure; however, I desperately need an ear like my own to listen to me. I am only eight-teen but my severe life-long depression and anxiety has stayed by my side like a shadow filled with pollution. I wanna die, but that would break a promise. But I wanna die still. That promise is my […]
Category:
Rants
I have the same feeling sometimes, I feel a little cheered up, I have a laugh but I remind myself that this is temporary, the way I really feel, miserable, depressed, crushed, bogged down, stuck, jealous will return shortly.
My thoughts of suicide use to be just thoughts but lately this has also changed for me, I’m coming to realize that my life isn’t going to change, no one is going to come save, I either I have to begin to enjoy this miserable life or end it.
I know I won’t be able to enjoy this life, its literally to hard. I’m so far behind […]
I do not think I am capable of being loved. I fear that I am never going to be able to find someone who will love me the way I fail to love myself. It has always been my only hope. What if it’s the only way all of this will ever get better? To find the right person who will always be there for me. The thing is I’ve been lied to so many times that I don’t think I can trust anyone anymore. People talk to me when they need something then they just disappear. If I refuse to do what they ask […]
do you ever feel so useless and depressed that you no longer feel?
after feeling angry and sad for so long i’m starting to only feel numbness. i’m starting to accept the fact that I am useless and will never be skinny or pretty or talented.
i’m too lazy and too far gone to try to “improve” myself and work on trying to get my life back together. when I try to think about feeling “normal” again I immediately realize that that is impossible and absurd. I will never and can never be happy again.
Im such a burden to all who are around me and I’ve been […]
Okay. So I don’t really know how this works. What if someone I know finds this, what then? How am I going to explain all this. When people I know see my cuts they judge and say I do it for attention so what will they think if they ever found this? I just need my space, I want to be able to express my thoughts without being scared but I guess fear is always going to be there.
I’m off tomorrow, away for a bit. Doing something I’ve never done before – wild camping, far out. I’ve spent most of my life indoors, not being allowed to have my own independence, so my experiences are limited. I’m looking forward to it, but at the same time, I’m not.
I’ve been really slacking, not having the motivation to do much in general (which includes writing this post, took quite a bit of energy to) and get packing and sort out my room before I leave, so I’ve left it to the last minute. This is really stressful.
The long hikes I’ll be taking might drain me […]
I was in a very abusive relationship, I don’t like talking about it but I need to because I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t. His name was Roman. He was very kind to me and that meant a lot to me because I was going through a really dark episode. It started small, degrading me with words. Then he started hitting me, kicking me, eventually things got sexual. He was into a lot of kinky stuff that I won’t get into. I have headspaces called little space, kitten space and slave/sub space. I only go into them occasionally but he took […]
“We do not chose to be born but we do have some kind of decision in the way we die”
It’s funny how life works at times. For as long as I can remember it’s been this way. I just don’t know if it is ever going to end. Its really hard, living like everything is fine. I tend to focus on other people’s problems then my own. To be able to survive this I tell myself that maybe there is a reason I’m like this but I’m tired of lying to myself, I’m tired of believing something that isn’t true and nothing but a sham.
I’m […]
How do you survive when the world wants to crush you? I’ve had my fair share of shitty experiences. My mom almost died from an emergency heart open surgery, twice. I was in an extremely physical, mental, emotional and sexual abusive relationship. My parents used to punish me and my sisters by spanking us with metal blind closers. They said it was “the Lord’s rod of discipline” and I finally called them out on there bullshit. Then I came out as transgender, female to male, and gay. They are very Christian and still have not accepted me for who I am, it’s been over a […]
Tomorrow is my first official day at university, and I can already feel the crushing pressure. I’m feeling really anxious. Maybe some part of it can be due to the obvious “new stage” I’m going through in my life, but I’m really sure most of it is due to the whole “adult responsibilities” thingy I’m also going through. My anxiety is really killing me now.
For example, driving. I. Can’t. Fucking. Drive. A car. I get really really anxious and feel I’m going to fuck up, plus I have a fear of speed.
Also, I did a little research about some of the teachers I’m going […]
Do you ever look at someone else and wish so badly that you could be them? In fact I’d rather be anyone else other than me.
“Me” is ugly, gross, flawed, useless, unworthy of life and love, unathletic, selfish, jealous, and just an utterly disappointing piece of shit. Funny how I can list tons of negative adjectives about myself but can’t think of a single positive one. Guess it just goes to show that I really am a worthless loser.
When I see my peers, family, and other people on the street I strangely feel like they’re “showing off” even if they aren’t talking about […]
I wish that I could be reborn in a new body. Cosmetically speaking, I have got to be one of the biggest freaks ever to exist. My body is a lemon. I have hideous body acne almost everywhere – including sometimes on my forearms. I’ve lost some hair. I have hideous teeth (possibly malocclusion). I am 28 years old but look like a puny 14-year-old. I’m also only 5’3.”
Before I continue, I must state that I know that these problems, individually, are not necessarily freakish (aside from forearm acne).
Yes, some people have bad body acne, and I’ve even found some rare examples online of people […]
((follow up to oscillate wildly))
so. maybe…2 weeks after i made my earlier post we moved from the apartments i hated. and i was so happy! i was doing so well mentally because we had a better place now. i dropped out of band in another effort to reduce stress and also because i lowkey hated band now, and the new place was about 10 minutes farther away from my school. if i had to get up at 5:45 in order to make practices then, it would be 5:25 now and…no thanks.
i just got back from a trip to the lake with a friend […]
Fate balances in my hands
A swaying lover
Caught up in the embrace
A flick of the wrist
Is all that it takes
To the darkness I awake
Nowhere fills the rear view mirror
As the answer
Makes itself clear
My future has become
Stained with your blood
The scars of tomorrow
Forged in the fires of tonight
As bells ring in the distance
Marking the end of a life
In your memories
I’ll try to hide
Shut out the world
To find something greater
Than this pain
But hollow hope will leave me afloat
To drown
In this mess I’ve made
Now home
Isn’t a place I stay
It’s a feeling
That’s washed away
The past has long since passed
Me by
Just a faint flash of pain
Hidden inside
These eyes
Keep on searching them
But […]
A whisper in your ear, signals the return of all your fear
You thought things were looking up
But only because you’ve been upside down
While your hope was leading you to drown
Such a foolish boy, don’t you know that you’re just a toy
When the fun runs out you’re cast aside
Now you’re running away, with no place to hide
Searching for a reason to live, but you’re dead inside
Why are you not surprised? Is this what life has done to your mind?
I always say how I want friends.
But when I actually find someone willing to talk to me, what do I do?
Either they drive me insane with stupid shit I shouldn’t care about.
Oh, they use u instead of you. That’s super annoying.
Won’t they even pretend to be positive sometimes?
I’m really, really not interested in you that way, please stop.
Or I think I’m annoying them.
Oh god, I just went on a long rant about something no one ever cared about. Awesome.
They keep talking about their life and I’ve done nothing with mine…
Now they’ll want to avoid me, but can’t without looking like a douche. Better do it […]
i just went to a concert by the killers and i just thought does anyone want a suicidal boyfriend? i am 21 looking for a girl or cute boy mostly to have someone i can be open to and spend time with ya not a dating site but worth a shot
It never gets easier, seeing you smile.
It’s something I used to draw out, take pride in. Your smile was my masterpiece. I was happy to suffer, to make it okay for you. I was happy to lay aside my pride, my dreams, to see your face light up. But it doesn’t get easier. Now you smile, but it isn’t for me. Now you smile and it isn’t my work. Now you smile and take pictures and look happier than ever and I… and I sit here, dying.
Right now, I remember thinking about wanting to die standing in this huge crowd of people— and then snorting, because something about me standing at 2 P.M. in stark daylight and thinking, ‘God, what am I even doing here? I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be,’ while some guy rambled on about philosophy seemed….strangely comical, for some reason. I’ve always had a very comical attitude about this whole depression thing, you know.
I can’t really blame anyone if they don’t take me seriously; I don’t know how to deal with this whole mess. A few weeks ago I told myself I would take a step forward and I’d do […]
What frustrates me so much is that this sickness taps on my windows on cold, stormy days, begging me not to sleep. It sits on my lap taunting me to caress its soft but stinging, midnight fur. In busy crowds, it whispers my name as i walk, telling me sugar-coated stories of how it made at least 5 souls drain out all the sadness inside of them in thick red in the last 4 hours it left me so i could finally close my eyes and sleep. But on days where i sleep longer and wake up waiting for its thick cloud to suffocate me, i […]