I don’t see the point of trying anymore. I’ve been suffering from some form of depression and anxiety since high school and that was seven years ago. And nothing seems to have helped/gotten better. The past year and a half especially has been a struggle. I’ve been in and out of the hospital for suicidal ideation, self harm, and failed attempts. When am I going to get a reprieve from these dark thoughts? I’m tired of wanting to kill myself.
Rants
Losing a true friend always hurts. No matter how many times it has happened to me, I can never get used to it (especially when you have like 3 friends and you can’t afford to lose anyone, like me). Worse of it all, if it’s my fault. Here’s the story of how it happened…
What started like a fun party turned for the worse, when one of my closest friends started feeling pretty bad because of the alcohol. In the end, he suffered an alcohol overdose and was rushed to the hospital. We all hoped we would hear from him that week. But we didn’t.
Today I […]
I know it’s the stupidest thing ever. Doesn’t matter, if you believe God or not just do it, or better not, come down here, and operate on me, and rip these son of bitches out of here, and even better, kill me by ripping my heart out or something. Pray that my ovaries with all my eggs catch on fires and that any guy who lusts at me may his dick shrivel so far that it ends up next to his anus. I’m serious. The world might be a better place, maybe you might save some lives.
I got into an argument with my dad and […]
Yesterday was my birthday, things weren’t looking up so I took about 20 of the only over the counter sleeping pill my parent’s had (they don’t take much) and I swallowed them down with a soda. I though it would be a peaceful, surreal, almost lovely experience, but as I sat outside on the hammock I started to feel dazed and tired, my body just kind of bobbed around for a few minutes, I thought I could just lay down and drift, but the feeling only intensified, and though its what I wanted, naturally my body responded negatively to the effects of the pills, and […]
I don’t write much because it takes my phone forever on this site to type on a post. Infuriating!! Commenting is easier. So my post is in comments below.
Being back home from college…it brings back bad memories. And Im reminded how toxic my family can be. I ache to get the fuck out of here but that’s not until September. Relapsing hard.
Going back to drugs.
Going back to my ex who dumped me.
Letting myself be mislead by a boy who has a girlfriend.
I’m a horrible person. We all are.
I try to ignore it all and act like it’s whatever. As if I’m going along with everything that’s going on and see where it takes me but…I’m too fuken sensitive for that.
I just want to escape all the drama. End it all.
Realized I measure my […]
after years of suffering, it’s getting good at last.
i think i’m feeling happy and it seems to last for a while. the question here is, why did God tortured me like that?
i know that the day would come that everything will turn upside down again and i will feel down and suicidal -since no happiness is everlasting and no sadness, too- and i think that i’m not ready for that day.
i definitely feel stronger than before all these things happened to me – i don’t really want to say what i’m referring to by “these” – but i don’t like the idea of being put […]
the longer I live
the worse I get
I just don’t know what to do with myself now. I’ve pretty much completed the biggest part of my bucket list (somewhere I traveled) and now I can’t seem to motivate myself at all. I know what I would want to do in the future, but now it feels like whether I make it to that point or not doesn’t matter at all. I have a wonderful life filled with supportive and kind people who tell me daily how much potential I have, but I have nothing to show for it. Guilt and a vague but almost desperate feeling of “there’s surely something left for you […]
I wish I could stay here…
However, talking to you all and reading
All of your stories…
Makes it harder for
Me
To Stay
…
I’m always going to be falling
Apart.
And yet, I post this and you people try
To make me stay…
Yet that decisions isn’t yours to make…
I try to make wishes to stay
…
I have so much going on I have a feeling that
I won’t make
It to the end of summer,
Unlike what my friends
Want me to
Do…
Even though
We do nothing together
They make it harder for me to stay…
Alive…and well and a whole bunch of random crap…
My life is
A
Bunch
Of
Random
…
Crap…
Nothing to see here…
I’m done…
Just
Plain
Done…
Sorry Farah
I don’t matter here
I don’t matter there
I don’t matter anywhere
Hope I never wake up again
I’m sorry to all of my friends for lying to you and telling you many things I should have. For pushing you out of my life and telling you nothing is wrong and I am fine. I know they will NEVER be on this site, but I really truly am sorry. But not for this one friend. I not sorry for being shit to her. She never cared about me and when I would actually tell her something that has been on my mind for two fucking weeks she would just brush it off like it is nothing. IT IS SOMETHING THAT HAS CONCERNED ME […]
As if it wasn’t already a ***** enough. Fuck sakes you deal with the trivialities daily. The unending grind and minutiae. The milieu of reckless absolvency. Fuck, you go from the boredom to the banality. It’s all stupid shit.
Introduce the legal system or any of the bullshit bureaucracy into the fuckshow that is life and it becomes a whole new ball game. Fuck the legalities and hoops it makes you jump through. For real. Fuck incarceration.
Sometimes I want so badly just to do something. To create. Instead of that, I do nothing. I sit here in my lonely hole, and try my hardest to empty my head and hands of everything that troubles my soul. My words don’t even come out right anymore. As the years pass, I grow more reclusive and distant from myself. It’s as if I’ve almost disappeared sometimes. Am I even real? Am I even alive? And what does living mean anyways?
I posted something here a couple years back, and its as if nothing has changed. I’m just as miserable. If anything is different, its that […]
depressed people are not weak. they are the strongest people. they fight more than anyone else and fall more than anyone else but still decide to get up. depression is a very deep battle inside a human being and is not fixed by blaming them for being depressed. love them no matter what they are going through, embrace them when they are frustrated for no reason and don’t give up on them. just don’t.
I put off asking for help for months because of a doctor’s treatment in Fall 2015. So a few weeks ago I asked for help instead of risk organ failure with another failed OD. And they put me in that same hospital and I was assigned to the same doctor. I really wished I had just OD’d. He’s arrogant, has a God-complex and even the staff called him an a**hole. I only began to comply because they forced me to appear before a judge. But I just spent the whole last week lying just to get discharged. Now I am home and no better off. […]
He’s destroyed me.
I won’t survive in prison.
He’s got what he wanted all along.
I won’t be able to have kids.
He’s destroyed every inch of me.
I have nothing left.
He made me feel like a fool again. This time our relationship paid the price
I’m irritated to say I’m writing about this particular “friend” again. I’m beyond angry with him. If you don’t know we and him have a history of “love” together. The last time I hung out with him he was kissing me on the cheek, cuddling with me, laying on my leg/ chest and jealously asking about my love life. Which to me seemed as thoughts still like me but boy was I fucking wrong.
Today I found out that he lead me on and fucked me over for my sister. At first he refused to tell me, saying I would be mad at him forever. Damn […]
I just really want to die.
The last seven years have been a blur.
But 7 years… 18-25. Years I haven’t lived.
Heck, I wasn’t even living before then.
Don’t get into a relationship, you’ll lose everything.
Time, friends, sanity, freedom are just a few.
I’m gonna do it from me to humanity hold on and don’t give up stay strong.
It will be rope this time