Rants

So, i finally cracked.

I told them i hurt.

I told them i loved them.

They saw my arms.

They cried.

I cried.

They told me they would get help, and told me to get some exercise before bed, wich i despise to the very core.

I went to a psichologist and i was pretty honest with him, we went on a LONG shopping spree and came back home.

They told me that i can’t cut again, that it’s forbidden, that there are other ways. they told me that they love me and they care.

Come on now, they didn’t notice a teen with a bloodstained, long sleeved shirt on summer for years and […]

Why is high school so importent.  I plan to go to a tech school to learn certain skills, but me learning how to talk to someone from another country doesn’t matter.  For example, I have to be active, so I can”t be an office all day as a job and my learning algabra 2 doesn’t hep me reach my goal of being in and active job.  Another example is that I want to be a medical doctor, but me learning how to paint doesn’t help.  So I wish high school wasn’t required to get a career because a lot the thing I have learn or […]

It’s back. In a few weeks, if I had to guess, it’ll be back in full force. I could only get 4 hours of sleep at a time, which is a change up from easily managing 8-10. I can feel walls closing in and for whatever reason I can’t stop thinking about cutting, despite it being almost 8 months since the last time. I can feel the colors getting muted again and I’m losing patience with mundane things. I’m beginning to wonder if seasons play a role since the worst time of the year for my depression has consistently been the first several months of the […]

every time i think things are getting better, they just go to shit again. i just want to fucking feel happy in my life, but apparently fate doesnt want that for me. i continuously ask myself, why arent i good enough? why am i such a fuck up. why cant i do anything right. you see, i have a boyfriend who ive been with for nine months now. i can just feel him getting tired of my shit. i say i love you to him and he doesnt say it back. he doesnt even seem to give a fuck about me anymore. i mean hes […]

It’s hard to explain what’s going on in my mind right now. Today is the first day that I’ve ever looked on any “pro-suicide” websites. The thing was, as I was in line to get lunch, I was probably standing next to people worried about whether or not they’re going to make rent this month or if their spouse will remember their anniversary. And then there was me, doing research on how best to end my life. What really gets me though, is that even though I have so much in common with everyone posting and replying and surfing through here, I still felt so […]

feeling low today.

was called weak for leaving public school to go through another program that will get me through. evidently with the fact that I couldn’t go through with it makes me lower than everyone else.

was told that I give up too easily, but I’m not giving up.. if anything I’m working my hardest to get through and graduate.

at the same time though, maybe I am weak. looking back on things, I usually have to choose an alternate route because I cannot handle a lot of things, especially here lately.

I thought, if anything, this person would be ecstatic that I’m not choosing to drop out […]

Tonight My boyfriend said we should have a break. And he isn’t the easy type. He used to deal and smoke the green. But what didn’t change is if you got him mad he would take out a knife and cut you im not saying he hurt me in that way. But now Ina few days he’s going in town to finish a lad up and he’s taking a gun. I’m scared he knows that but I’m seeing him tomorrow in school what do I say… I want him back….

I’m staring at my wall. I feel exhausted even though I haven’t done much today. Depression gets more tiring everyday.

I’m constantly asking myself is this my life? Is this what I really want? I want to escape and then again I don’t. I dream of being free in nature and hoping that would make me happy. Really, what makes me happy about that dream is knowing I would not last long.

I don’t know what love is. The only way I can understand love is if it hurts. I see my “ex” has moved on. He’s had about 3 girlfriends since me. I put […]

2016 was such a shit year. I lost my home, my partner went to prison, my family got seperated and my car wrecked….. Ive also been sexually abused, and sexually harrassed. I dont feel like moving forward. Every relationship i try to get in is almost impossible to try and make it work. Ifeel like that person is trying to take over my life or try to be very controlling.. I was in a controlled relationship for 7yrs so of course thats my only default. Wtf to do.. Im loosing my mind and i just want to leave this world.