I feel numb inside. broken and numb. everyone always tells me “why are you so unhappy? you have loving parents and loving friends, theres nothing wrong with you”. im sick of hearing that. just so fucking sick. just because everything is perfect on the outside it doesnt mean that everything is perfect on the inside too. news flash, its not. i just spent three weeks in a psych ward being forced to talk about my feelings and my depression. all the doctors and social workers just looked at me and told me that i needed to believe the fact people love me and itll get […]
Category:
Rants
I wake up with the notion that maybe you still love me. I know it’s not true. It’s been weeks, no, months, actually, I don’t even remember, it’s felt like a lifetime. Everyday without you in my life is an eternity spent in the company of misery. You were the bow to my strings, the stars to my night sky. Without you, I’m nothing. Without anything, what reason is there to stay? I remember your scars, the pattern of your iris, the smell of your hair. I remember holding you under the bright lights, crying, promising nothing could ever drive us apart. I remember the […]
I’m a grown man. I have a wife and children in their mid and late teens. I have a career
and I like what I do. I won’t become a millionaire but quite frankly not looking to either.
Without unmanageable debt, in good health, not religious but spiritually at peace with
my own convictions and family values. In general terms, I’m okay.
But I’m not.
I don’t know why. It just happens and it’s been like this for me for a few
years now. I’ll be driving and suddenly a knot clogs my throat and I can’t help bursting
out crying uncontrollably for about a minute or […]
I don’t feel “right”, and I haven’t felt “right” in a very long time.
I feel an uncomfortable emptiness, and as if life is continuing on in an unpleasant repetition, and I’m growing tired of it.
I am sixteen years old, and I have obtained my GED. I am going to begin college early next year, and I feel like I’m not ready, at least, with tolerating my anxiety. I have terrible anxiety, and I have panic attacks if I’m within a supermarket or similar public setting for too long. I’ve been in the college before, being I had to apply for it, and I began sweating […]
I haven’t posted here in what seems like a long time. My life was starting to improve little by little, but, as of recently it’s gone down hill. I’ve been having so much trouble with keeping myself happy. My physical as well as my mental health is rapidly deteriorating. I’m not eating correctly, I only eat at least one to two meals a day with very little consumption of water. When I do eat it’s junk food. My digestive system is all kinds of fucked up (going to the doctors soon to get it checked) and I really do fear for the worst.
My mental health […]
I have concluded that I will not succeed, and never have I in the past. Succeed with what? Not death, life. Either way, I have tried to stop it all, but that did not work. I am willing and able to give it another shot. I will post this on here to aid in my inability to recall, I can’t recall a thing. From, before. Dissociation. I am upset. I heard the music again today and I feel like I’m at my last straw, who knew where it was coming from? Not I? It sounds so happy but I am not.
I’m sitting here at work smiling and doing my job while my suicide note is in my bag and I wonder, do they know? Do they suspect a thing? Will they say “She seemed so happy. How could this happen?” I guess I’ll never know.
Does anyone else feel like they’re living a lie? A carefully constructed lie. An empty, meaningless lie.
idk if anyone remembers me or not but i just wanted to post an update since my last posting.
i made an attempt about a month ago, since then i have been getting help and more therapy, as well as new medicine.
for a few weeks it was helping really well, i started showering regularly, losing weight, going to the gym, trying to get out there. i tried a fake it till you make it approach. but its not working.
i would think that after nearly a month and a half now i would start seeing improvements, but putting my past distractions behind has ended up with me […]
I Feel Like Dreaming While I’m Awake, But Awake and Comfortable While Asleep… What is This?
written by SumTimesIWonder
I re-read this comment I made while replying to The Last Snorlax on another post, and suddenly realized how much sense it made. And just like that, Sala Samobójców (aka. Suicide Room, 2011) came to mind, not sure why. Can you help me reason this? I mean the lyrics and theme don’t really match my below thought, yet somehow… it jives.
It’s like a constant period of hibernation for me sometimes… You sleep and while you do, you can actually “feel” how good it is. Then waking up. Functioning. Eating. Transportation. It all feels secondary. Like a dream of reality while the real you waits to […]
Do You Ever Go to Bed, Sleep For Hours, and Wake Up as If You’d Only Blinked?
written by SumTimesIWonder
It’s strange sometimes. How you can go to bed with a thought, a feeling, a sensation of sorts, and then you fall asleep for a few hours, 9 hours, or more… Yet as soon as you open your eyes it instantly is all there. The same thought, feeling, sensation, as if you only blinked while in the middle of a thought. That’s how I went to bed last night. And it’s how I woke up today. The looping paragraph of the lyrics resounding in my mind:
“‘Cause with all the changes you’ve been through, it seems the stranger’s always you…”
Please enjoy “Wicked Little Town” (2001, the […]
I wish the angel of death like the one off the American Horror Story tv series existed, just one kiss and your free.
I am so desperate to go now, I can’t fight myself anymore, I can feel the desperation constantly rising in me with the more and more I think about being free. Free from the pain and suffering of my health problems and the feelings of guilt and burden that I am becoming to my family.
I did have a plan in place on how to free myself but money has now become an issue and I’m going to have to make a new […]
I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember and whether or not it’s in my genes doesn’t concern me because no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to live – all I feel is pain.
My back is fucked up
My mind is fucked up
I have no future to look forwards to
I’m tired of this constant pain both physically and emotionally
And I’m scared. I’m surrounded by people who tell me they care about me but hardly ever act on their words. But I understand, I do. I’m not their priority and I never expected to be.
I’ve always wished I could have […]
I know I’m young
Only 16
But there is so much pain
Can I handle one more day of this?
I’m all alone in this.
One more day of…
Abuse
Depression
Anxiety
Never being able to be heard
Its like I’m in the ocean…
Only an inch beneath the surface
Fighting for a breathe
Only to be pushed down further and further…
By the waves of eternal rest…
Take me into your gentle caress
This is the final step.
Seems like i’m going to walk a little longer.
how long? no one knows, but after not having the balls to try and overdose myself it anti-depressants and pain killers for the third time i got caught by my Mother and she is not letting me out her sight and have locked every place with locks.
isnt it shameful, 20year old shut-in freak who cant even kill himself is now living a lie inside hes room and being watched all the time except when others sleep. the society doesnt even realise its destroying lives of hundreds and after that tells us its our fault and that it […]
Oh hey, it’s been a really long time. Nico here.
Just to tell you guys before I start, this post isn’t going to be as happy as my others. I’ll try to cheer up though soon.
My parents make me feel so useless and stupid.. This is the best that I’ve done in school and yet.. I was so proud of myself.. Haha.. It’s really useless isn’t it?.. No matter what I do.. They never appreciate it.. Guilt talking to make it seem like I’m the bad guy.. I’m done with them.. I know they care but I just.. I’m shattering under the pressure.. like a mirror.. […]
I was doing Carbon Monoxide in a sealed tent underground… I was just passing out and I crawled out and realized looking at the sunset… I want to live as much as I want to die… In other words, when life gets fucking hard I want to die as much I want to fucking live!! I fucking screamed and broke down. Every muscle in me was aching was saying what’s the point? Every muscle in my fucking body was telling me to stop. Every in me was telling me to stop and give up. And I said I can fucking do it… I know there is […]
*No, this isn’t a bullshit tumblr post ranting about “how I don’t fit in and everyone hates me.”
I don’t think everyone hates me, but I fucking hate them. People are disgusting. Lately with the politics in America about Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, which you have probably have heard plenty about so I won’t talk about that much. People especially around where I live, walk around saying “Black lives matter.” “You matter.” “All is accepted.” “We love you.” and more bullshit like that. Want the fucking truth? You don’t fucking love everyone, you don’t accept everyone, and you know how I fucking know that? The moment and I […]
I posted a couple years ago, lost the account and now I am back. For being as young as I am, I should not want to kill myself as baldy as I want to. I want to die from a medical cause, such as cancer or some sort of organ failure. If I die from that, then technically I did not commit suicide and my family does not have to bear the embarrassment. With all my friends going out and having sex, it seems that I am not wanted.
In my short 19 years of life I had appendicitis and a heart condition that should […]
If I live an average life, I’ve still got at least 40 years to go. My entire life and I’ve still got 2 more times what I’ve lived thus-far to go. God thats a depressing thought, even more so knowing I won’t get 2 more childhoods to go with it. Literally all the time I have ever experienced on this earth, I have to experience twice more. This must be what hell is like.
I’ve been pretty close to killing myself more than a few times lately. I set a hard date of Nov 1st, but what usually happens is I get too emotionally and physically exhausted to carry anything out. (I have fibromyalgia, am always in pain, and with the misery I can feel emotionally, really am not able to do shit.) Then when the super moon happened, I felt energized by it and wanted to die under the intense energy of the powerful moon and for real could not find a rope rated strong enough to hold my fat ass to hang myself.
I have everything in the […]