For those who have passed on.
I once had a shirt that said “if you’re looking for a sign not to commit suicide this is it” and it honestly made me really happy to have. It cheered me up a lot, some how making me feel better about life. But it was stolen from me and it crushed me and made me really sad and depressed. Pathetic huh?
In my family I’m the oldest of my two sisters (we are going to call them:) C and A. C being the first at 17 and A being the second youngest at 15. Me being of the age of 18 you’d think I wouldn’t be compared to my little sister (in this case my sister C)… But I am… A lot! I’m never just “Amanda” I’m just “C’s sister”.
“Oh! You are very shy compared to C.” “Your nothing like C is!” “You don’t look like C or A at all!” “You and C have nothing in comman.” These are just the few I can think […]
It hurts. Iv delt with it for a long time. Not always for the best. I OD on a couple hundred asprin a few years back. I woke up feeling like i would have a heart attack. If i moved a single muscle, arm, leg, neck, i would throw up. My body did not want to die. After hours of convulsing in my bed i became terrified. I did not want to die. But i did. I was torn between my bodies terror and my minds willingness to go. I met a girl. I told her everything. She was my other half. My only friend, […]
If this ever crops up on my social media I’m sorry. It means that I’ve truly become nothing but a failure, that I’ve totally failed to keep myself alive for another day.
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t do this. My life isn’t terrible, it never really was. Compared to the thousands of suffering humans who drag themselves awake each day and somehow smile all the while, my life is great. I just, can’t anymore. I can’t seek help, it’s too late, I failed. I couldn’t help myself, so who could.
My life started out great, my mother was a well earning nurse, I had friends, a dog, and […]
First time posting here.
I’ve been, I guess you could say “actively suicidal” in the past. Perhaps not currently. But, on some level, I’m always thinking about it.
I feel tired. old. most of all, worthless.
I’m not who I set out to be. I was reading someone else’s post on here about how it could take just one big thing to fuck up your life forever. and yeah. but, breaking it down, it’s probably not one thing or one event, but a whole series of things over a whole series of years. or you hit so many setbacks, fallen off the proverbial horse so many times, you […]
Ever since I was a little girl, living was an issue. I’ve wanted to die since I was 8 yrs old. My mother was/is evil and doesn’t have feelings like most people do. Common traits of a Sociopath; she would have a lot of sex with a lot of people just so she could feel something… Or at least I tell myself that’s the reason why. She married my dad while she was still married and had 2 sons with someone else. My dad didn’t know, but her first husband soon found out and divorced her. My dad in turn raised my two older brothers […]
I held on…through everything over the last year……I held on…being turned inside out…. I held on… giving it one last try as I hung on to nothing….I held on…while grasping for anything as I fell through nothing but open space…. I held on…as time keeps marching on, as it forgets me in it’s wake….
I held on…..because I know what it is like to be alone….I held on…. because I know what it’s like to have people turn their back on you… I held on…. as I cried alone…. I held on as my heart finished breaking as I held my infant son one last time….I […]
I hate it. I fucking hate it how everybody act like everything is just peachy!!! Everything is like fucking nightmare. They don’t notice it. They don’t notice how I am not eating my food. How I am dying. They don’t notice that the smile that I show is fake. Even my parents don’t notice that I am just acting like everything is perfect. I mean they are my parents right? They should know when I am lying they should know when I am putting act.
But they don’t. They don’t notice that I am acting. Every night when I go to my bed I don’t sleep. […]
I met someone on the Internet. I got depression, and she was so kind and perfect to me. She understood me like no one else. She loved me like no one else has ever done.
We loved the same hobbies. We loved the talking. We loved each other so much.
But she had BP (Borderline Personality). And we talked for months and she wouldn’t get too close.
She had this constant feeling that I would abandon her. She said she trusted me, but only had to go slow… because those are the feelings she said she always had about everyone. That people will end up disapointing […]
So today me and my friend were supposed to hang out.. But we didn’t because the time, the place everything was messed up. I got very upset because it seemed like he didn’t care at all.. And I was really hoping to since home sucks (it also seemed like he didn’t want to hang out because we weren’t going to hang out at my house) and I lost a good friend (my Therpaist whom didn’t die! She just moved buildings and I wasn’t able to go with her to continue seeing her)..So I just ignored my friends snaps. It helped to calm me down somewhat. […]
I met you in my junior year of high school. its been almost 7 years since then, and exactly one month now since I last saw you. From the moment we met I knew there was something special in you, it didn’t take me more than a week to confess my love to you. From the very start I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, you were just different than everyone else. Even after you moved away for school, I was always there when you needed me. I was in a dark place when you moved […]
I have this feeling that everything that I’m seeing is not real. It’s like everything is just an imagination, like it’s only in my head. It’s like I can’t see what’s true or what’s not anymore. I’m losing contact with reality. can someone answer this. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this. It’s making me go crazy. It’s killing me inside
I’m starting to remember something from my past. It’s weird i can be having a regular conversation with someone and they say a word and i get a flash back of something. I’ve never told anyone the full story of what happened. That might be because i don’t even know the full story myself. I guess I’ve never told anyone about it is because i don’t know what their response will be. Will they have nothing to say at all or say something like “wow”, “i can’t believe that “, “im sorry”, or “are you okay?” I don’t know how to respond to any of […]
I find myself running in circles more often than not. I find myself giving myself away, again and again and again….always to the wrong people. I find I care too much because I am always trying to live for someone else. I find myself alone, even when, I am in a room full of people.
There is no action that I can make that will equal an opposite reaction; for all my actions only end up one way….heartbreak.
I’ve given all I can, I have tried all I dare to try any longer. I am not wanted, I am not loved, I am a human that […]
I’m so sorry guys, you wished me luck and I failed. I’m so so sorry, I’m a disaster.
They sent me an e-mail that said I failed, they didn’t even put the scores I got, just this monotonous “You have not passed”.
What irks me the most is that they told me the test contents, and I studied a lot those. But in the test they didn’t ask a single question of all of that. Nothing!! Just a lot of number theory that (of course) I couldn’t do because I’m so stupid.
What was I thinking? Someone like me, finally getting something good. To be finally free from […]
I mentioned in a previous post that I lost my closest friend to suicide.
Her name was Paige. She was a beautiful, 15-year-old girl, and I spent most of my time with her. We were like twins.
Paige…she didn’t seem to have any mental illnesses, but I guess that’s because it’s so easy to hide it. She was like a light;she always knew what to say, or what to do. Her life was a beautiful one-she had it good, but mental illnesses don’t care about your quality of life.
I never noticed anything wrong, or out of the ordinary.
It came as a complete shock to me when her […]
I found something out yesterday that completely ripped my heart out. My wife divorced me a year and a half ago and i didnt know why until now. It seems my ( best friend lol ) was going to talk to and check on my wife and family while i was out of town for work without me knowing. This guy had a successful trucking business, a wife, kids, plus come to find out, a girlfriend and kids with her. So why interfere with my life. I lost everything because of this. My home, my vehicles, my Harley, but most importantly […]
I sure as hell didn’t.
That’s the tragedy about stories like mine: nobody saw it coming. Nobody saw how deeply and utterly lost and saddened my brother really was, how lonely and abandoned he felt, how angry he was at the world for leaving him and disappointing him.
Not his teachers, who saw him in school every day. They saw how he hated being there, how he was disgusted by how they treated the kids because the “teacher is always right”. How the principle was so unfair to everyone, the only way was their way. But they didn’t think much of it, because that’s just […]
“I’m suffering from a mental illness and I don’t know when and how I got this but I can tell you what it feels like having this monster inside me. If ever a normal person would have a chance to feel and experienced what it’s like to be someone like me, I think they’ll go insane. I wish I was born normal like anybody else but unfortunately, I’m not. Everything I see and feel is different from a normal person. The shadows of nightfall seemed more somber and my mornings were less buoyant. I always feel like I can’t do anything right and I feel […]
i saw you today…
i swear it.
on my grave it was you.
your hair, your height, your smile…
that smile.
i saw you today.
you were there..
you were right there in front of me.
if i reached out my hand i could have touched you.
i could have grabbed your hand.
i saw you today…
but it wasn’t really you..
was it…
of course it wasn’t… it couln’t have been.
you’re dead.
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