I know you’re still following me here and there, even after so many years, and even though you’ve been avoiding any interaction with me. I may pop up in your life sometime.
Recently I’ve accepted and begun to better understand that the road to recovery has ups and downs, but relapses suck. Like, really, really suck.
I was having a terrible day. The worst one I’d had in a while, and that’s saying something. I guess I got overwhelmed with the assignment in front of me so I decided to go to the bathroom and just as I arrived, the old friends I used to do things with practically materialized out of thin air like an awful calling card.
Now, i’m a fairly neutral person. I don’t make very many friends, but I don’t make enemies either. Needless to […]
When I was in school at the age of 14 I caused the following bizarre chain of events to materialize. I could never say why, suicidal thoughts had grabbed me at 14 so that might be the best explanation for my behaviour.
This was circa late 90’s so before the days of instant language translations, effective internet etc. One day without rhyme or reason I decided to write ‘ the green hand gang’ a nonsensical term I had concocted on the spot in various languages except English on school property. I consulted 2 schoolyard chums, fluent in French and Irish respectively about the proper translations. In […]
It’s so hard to force yourself to do things to improve your life, when a large part of you doesn’t want to be alive. It’s a constant “what the fuck am I doing this for?” And the only answer you can tell yourself is: “so things might be marginally less shitty at some unspecified point in the future.” Cool. Or I could just curl up in a ball and try to forget the world exists for a few hours. The end result will be be more or less the same.
I have no motivation, no drive to do anything, no energy.
I’m not sure who brought it to my attention, pretty sure it was Plainwhite, but I don’t talk about when things work out enough.
Today turned into a good day, though I’m not especially a fan of how it started. I knew I wanted to get up early this morning, so any time I woke up in the night I seriously considered getting up and getting on with it. I made it to 5:30 AM, after seven hours of sleep which is much closer to a healthy amount than usual for me… I felt tired though. Made myself a really strong cup of coffee.
Once the sun […]
Vi scongiuro, qualcuno che mi aiuti ad andare via, in pace, dormendo…
In internet non trovo niente, nessun metodo indolore (ne ho già avuto troppo) . Io voglio solo la mia dannata libertà di non vivere in questo schifo di mondo
A few people talk about not being able to write on here sometimes. I’ve experienced that too. In regard to that, here’s another law. 
I think it’s fair to say something similar about trying to explain the bullshit we’ve been through, wouldn’t you agree?
trying to maintain my mental health thru someone
someone that love me and know my story
weve been together since 2010
from a friend to best friend to love
from cheerful to depressed version
started to
loving myself
grooming myself
looking into the bright side
trying to be better
but i
afraid to be in relationship
relationship is a frail thing
break like a glass
cant be forever
and what makes me scared the most
what if i dont love him back
what if he develop depression too
what if i fail you?
just like today
when my parents trying to take the mental health stability i earned and […]
lately every time i take a step forward, something throws me back 3 steps. [background; long story short, my father killed himself when i was 5, i blamed myself, mother got into an abusive relationship and got on drugs. when i was 11 i moved with my aunt, (somehow got even worse) ive had drugs pushed on me the whole time here, lots of drinking and fighting, lying to police, etc.,, i was treated like a slave and belittled by my cousins for 4 years. so so much more that i cant even begin to explain.] The first time i tried to kill myself was […]
Right, so my dad wants me to call him every Monday and talk about what I’m working on…. he made it very specific he wanted me calling at 1 PM… so that’s what I do, and who should answer but my mother
I love this woman, she’s got a cool job, and she really believes in what she’s doing… BUT, in 30 years of being chronically ill, apparently she still isn’t convinced that I’m struggling more than her or my dad ever have or will.
Lately, I’ve been trying to break it to them that 30 to 40 hours a week is the most I can work, […]
A phenomenal artist:
I’m already sick and tired of life. Have been for so long. My mum had a massive stroke a bit after Christmas. I was hoping she could get rehabilitated but it seems more likely she will just stay bedbound. Being bedbound isn’t any kind of life. If I ever ended up bedbound you can just euthanize me, thanks.
My mum barely knows English. To try and keep this post at least a little anonymous, I will just leave her language skills at this. I’m trying to find an interpreter for her rare language and the hospital is too. It’s unlikely they’ll find such.
My mums personality […]
Something that I’m sure a lot of us have noticed, is how shitty certain members of the Right side of the political spectrum can be… As a social conservative, it’s not something that’s gone beyond my notice. This isn’t a political rant, uh, per se. The Left can be similarly as atrocious, but in different ways. And I think that’s generally the difference between the Right and the Left. 
I believe Hanlon’s Razor applies to the Left, while Fred Clark’s Law, more […]
It’s odd, fighting shame as long as I have, finding that I can still be truly pathetic. Today, just in general.
I know what I blame it on, my coffee maker broke. Yesterday I went out for coffee, but I wanted to believe I didn’t need it…. man was I wrong. So wrong. Depressingly wrong.
It’s not just the alertness, it’s the pain. My knees feel like someone hit them with something. I feel in general in a fog, and it took me at least an hour longer to make dinner than I intended, and it wasn’t particularly labor intensive.
Two roads diverge from here, continue my dependency, […]
When I weigh up suicide, two factors generally seem to carry equal importance:
I cannot stand feeling like this anymore. I hate being me, being in my head. It’s just this endless loop of regret, longing, despair, fear, self-hatred and shame. It’s not a life worth living, and I can only see it getting worse over the years ahead.
. It seems unacceptable to put my family in the position of having to mourn my loss. They’re far too invested in my wellbeing, and they’ve done so much to try and help me over the years. I don’t think they’d get over it, and I can see […]
Why God is unfair? is there actually such thing as an ‘evil god’? (I’m a Christian from Indonesia, or at least used to be a Christian. Now it’s hard to believe in Christianity anymore)
I’m from Indonesia. I’ve used to be a Christian too, but now maybe I’m already more of an atheist (or minimal at least an agnostic). But it’s even much worse than that. I’m now also a nihilist, and even become a pessimist (look up on Philosophical Pessimism, and IMHO its related ‘sub-philosophies’ similarly such as: Antinatalism, Efilism, Depressive Realism, Promortalism). And paradoxically perhaps, what now I’m even afraid the most is what […]
Dear mom; I wish you could see what was really going on with me, i wish you could see the truth on what is wrong with me… I wish you knew that you’re the reason I’m like this, I didn’t want to be like this… you have made me feel as if i was just a big problem in your life… I’m sorry for being born.
Dear Dad; I love you dad so much you treat me better than mom but… why… why do you have to make me and my sister unconfutable? you shouldn’t be sneaking pictures of us and not tells us why… “Cheese”…. […]
Some of you have read my story, and I just remembered something that happened when I was isolated from society for 3 and a half years… I found this mouse, just, trembling, on my floor in my room… They say animals can read energy and I think that mouse sensed my trauma. I literally walked right up to it and it didn’t run or anything. It just… sat there. I scooped it up with an empty pringles can and put it outside. I think all my trauma transferred over to that poor mouse…
Hello all. This is my first time posting on here. Ive been around since 2017, but just never posted anything. I did try and help a few people out dealing with there mental illnesses. I defintly know the rough and awful ride that can be. I just felt like sharing my story today to help ease my mind. Ive dealt with depression and anxiety majority of my life. Found out i had BPD. I always though finding a significant other was the way to happiness for me. I just wanted to feel love and feel that I had a purpose in the world. Life has […]