What an god awful day. My emotional capacity is of a child, I couldn’t even let anyone know I went home early, due to feeling like ass. I had it in my gut, that none of my friends will have time to talk to me about it, and I was right. I’m going to cut my arms open tonight. It has been a long time, since that happened but it’s just one of those days you know.? I feel heavy, burdened. It feels like an entity has reached for my heart and keeps hold of it. My weekend will just be me.
Laughing at my own misfortune. Feeling completely misunderstood because I lack the ability to properly explain my own problems. How am I supposed to move forward like this? A part of me stopped caring long ago, and yet, I want some form of stability finally. I’ll just have to drag myself out of me, kicking and screaming then. Sigh.
I’ve already lost a lot of myself anyway… how will I do this when I can’t afford help? I don’t know.
I cant keep doing this every day. Every day without fail. I’m very on edge today and I dont know if I can trust myself or not.
I’m bitter and feeling so horrible inside and yet nothing comes out. I like to imagine my head exploding. Like theres this huge fuse or something inside.
I cant deal with the constant anxiety/depression/hating myself to no end even if it is deserved. People piss me off so much, nobody can just shut up.
How long do I have to wait for it to “get better”? How much more do I have to do? It shouldn’t be that fucking hard.
Whatever. I’m […]
Okay so I’m very sure I have add or adhd and either depression and/or anxiety but I can’t talk to anyone about it my friends and brother tell me to stop looking for attention and they just don’t know I’m trying to get help and I just wish that I could talk to someone, and I can’t talk to a therapist for some fucking stupid reason, and I feel like I would be better off killing myself because I am failing or getting shit grades in all of my classes. I live in Canada, and I have to take French immersion because my parent won’t […]
Why should I live if everything I ever do will be forgotten and all life is, is essentially well… Pain, nothing is worth living for if everyone will die including you and me and break-ups are the worst thing ever and you have to go through that pain for so long and so many times or you could just end it all because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in school and then working until I die, I can just kill myself and get rid of all of the pain weather it is emotional or physical I will be writing more […]
Self is a mad dog. A thousand-faced horse. A prisoner of evolutionary instincts. A blind follower of cause and effect. It seeks results and finds none. It cannot escape effect of causes/forces applied on it. It must create their effects and suffer. Get out of it. There is nothing there. Burning suffering and nothing else.
Know there is something else. You currently identify with self but you are not self. Recognize that, realize that. If you ever manage to distinguish it, hold fast to it. There is nothing from self that’s more valuable than this. You know pleasure from life is no match to pain from […]
i feel like i’ve been pretending all my life to be the person everyone wants me to be. i don’t know who i really am. i don’t know how to exist without thinking of how other people think of me. it’s pathetic, i know.
I’ve always felt like coping mechanisms and stress are at a perpetual arms race. One side figures out something big, then the other.
Did you ever read the Butter Battle Book by Dr. Seuss? It’s about two groups who decide they are much too different to cohabitate because one prefers to eat bread with the butter on top, and the other prefers it on bottom… and they get into this Soviet – American 50s-60s style competition. It starts with throwing a rock, then the other side takes sticks to knock the rocks back, and so on in increasing complexity until each side simultaneously discover a substance […]
So, basically what most people think life is, is you live to go and finish school get good grades make friends go to university or collage graduate get a good job get a wife and kids then you work maybe do a couple of fun things like umm go on some trips somewhere with your family but for the most part you work your whole life away until you inevitably die, and you will be forgotten.
Or you drop out of school you don’t go to university you live with your parents until they die. You get their assets, and you have to sell everything to […]
I’m a worn out friend. Old and worn out. Like my old shirt I’m not using anymore, just laying in my wardrobe. This is like clothes. You’re maybe tired of your old shirt you have been wearing for years so you decide to look for a new one, a better one. Maybe you’re throwing your old shirt away, or you feel like it may get useful someday so you just throw it in your wardrobe. It just ends up laying there forever until you one day decide to clean up and throw away old clothes you’re not using anymore. But when you finally find the […]
I used to want to be 16 so bad I had it all planned out I would get emancipated get a job have my own apartment drop out of school and get my ged and I thought then it would be better then maybe I won’t want to kill myself anymore.but the thing about my plans is that they never work. I thought that way since I was 10 and now I’m 16 only working on weekends with not enough time to get anywhere close to the kind of money I would need to move out but I also can’t stay with my mom or […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
All the different words that have been used to describe me, that all probably ultimately meant the same thing.
Only child, gifted kid, monster, autist, selfish *****, the third antichrist, failure to launch, abuser, victim, bad person, depressed, schizophrenic, vulnerable, girl, boy, “it”, manchild, loser, missed opportunity for abortion, narcissist, disappointment, try-hard, pretentious, stuck-up, too-good-for-this, holier-than-thou, hateful, ungrateful, creepy, rude, rageaholic, rapist, rape meat, DIPSHIT.
I tried to be a good person to make the pain stop. Everyone around me saw this goodness and assumed I was good due to being “fully self-actualized”, they assumed I had my shit together because, […]
Today’s going to be a good day. I just have to break in my shoes and be a little friendly. One year to go. College next fall. Still can’t decide if it,’s nursing or psych calling me. I kinda wanna be a flight nurse.
All these time I thought it was my heart being cruel to me when in actuality it had all been my head. My heart wanted nothing but the best for me it was quite bizarre to be listening to it telling me everything I already know but don’t want myself to acknowledge.
That I want to be alive. I just don’t want to put in the efforts or care. I feel guilty right now for forgetting that other people are also in hell but yeah. How would I know? I’m selfish and did not want to be better.
I’m the monster I hate. I’m the […]
I’m in high school, a senior. College applications are due soon, and every application I attempt makes me realize how bad I am at everything. I stress easily, and although I’ve never been professionally diagnosed, I’m sure I have some form of extreme anxiety. Because of this, I pull my eyelashes out. Literally. I have Trichotillomania, a symptom of stress that causes an individual to pull their hair out to cope. It’s weird, it’s disgusting, and I hate it. I’ve had it for years and tried to stop it, but each attempt ends in a devastating defeat. My bald, swollen eyelids don’t add to my […]
so i was born in the early seventies and my father molested me. my very catholic mother knew but never protected me or helped me.
life at my age now has become very scary and i feel so alone and lonely most of the time. i went on disability and once you are on that, people often treat you like you’re a leper. some don’t. i feel ashamed of how my life went and how bad my symptoms were and the lack of support.
i am scared now all the time. i feel so hopeless , dark, and alone. i want […]
I turned 18 this week. I’m all good. Been gaining weight, I find it hard to control my appetite when every day gets so busy. My arms are noticeably fatter. anyways, I’m barely sane, but I’m okay.
Messed up too many times at this point. Between having to redo my A+ cert from the beginning now, to not having enough to support myself, to being unable to find another job or take care of my own health, I keep slipping. I’m getting more and more annoyed. I can’t even properly sell anything to make a little money, because the stuff I have is outdated and I can’t get a good price for anything. I’ve needed help for months now, but I don’t know how to ask without things going wrong. I’d had mini moments of giving up followed by giving up means […]
I can’t stop myself from seeking out hateful transphobic content. And it hurts and I have nowhere where I can be myself and I feel alone and empty