I’ve never been good at expressing my emotions. Whether I laugh it off, or say I’m okay, or avoid it like the plague, I know I’m not. It’s funny, (you can laugh) because some people might say that makes me a pathological liar.
However, sharing this with complete honesty and no take backsies, I hate the idea of being vulnerable. I hate talking about my issues. I hate that I hide it so well, everyone is either too stupid to believe it or too insignificant in my life to care.
What I hate even more though, is feeling like a burden to someone. Shocker […]
Living is always ‘the only right thing to do’ as if death is not a valid ending too. Moat people don’t even know their time has come until it did then what’s the big problem about taking my life? It’s not like by being alive I’m doing anything worthwhile or changing anything. The bad people still wins, the good people still gets themselves compromised. It’s almost like there’s no point to living.
Sure it will cut off every chance to other form of happiness as well but eventually the nothingness would be preferable than experiencing and seeing pain knowing there’s nothing you could do about […]
i’m 13
kinda young, for a suicidal person ig
anywho
most days, i regret putting myself (or not) out there.
and every now and then, i think- i wish i could go back and start over.
and then i think about the 4 most important people in the world to me
then i get so sad
cause i think about life without them, worthless
but i’m worthless
i don’t want a do-over, but i can’t change who i am
would they care if i killed myself?
my siblings always tell me that no one cares about me, yet why have my […]
As I’m writing this I don’t want any consolation from anybody. I know that I’m a terrible and worthless person perhaps all I want is for somebody, anybody just anyone to read this. I’m 16 year old. I live with my parents. I think about suicide everyday. I feel like the most worthless piece of junk on this earth, ive never heard my parents being happy about anything since I was like 11. I feel very alone as well, I don’t have any friends in real life and although I do have online friends I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk to them about my […]
Fear has been the defining experience of my life. Mostly fear of other people. Of what they’ll think of me. Because if they judge me negatively, who knows what they’ll do…
Maybe they’ll hit me, kick me, spit on me. Less likely, now I’m old. Maybe they’ll insult me. And I’ll take it to heart, because I hate myself. Maybe they’ll isolate, avoid, or reject me. And I’ll feel despair, because I know I’m not worthy of love or friendship.
I fear being seen, being accurately perceived. Because there’s such rottenness in me now. No one could see what goes through my head and not feel disgust.
I […]
There comes a phase in our life where neither we can hold feelings nor let them go. We hopelessly love them without any conditions and even knowing they won’t love us back, we still love them holding all the broken pieces of our hearts….. but that doesn’t prove we are weak. Trust that phase …. it will make you stronger.
Theres a lot of shit in my head right now, I cant get it out. I cant stop thinking about it. But I know I’m too weak to act on anything. Weak. But yet I want to so bad. I’m trying to hold on. I wouldn’t want to ruin the holidays for my family by dying now. I guess that’s just me procrastinating on it. Because I’m weak. But I cant stop thinking about the last moments and finally fading away, never having to deal with this world or myself again. And stop being so burdensome. I’ve been in pain all day and it hasnt […]
Can i just dive deep into why life is just so damn miserable. I have survived alot of sh**. I beat homelessness. I found housing. Then the car break downs. Then im a worthless a deadbeat father. Im a criminal that cant get things right. I guess I deserve all the hell. I didn’t quit pot when my life depends on it. I’m a true failure. I wanted to hide behind things that only worsen your life. Im more than likely going to disappoint my father in the worse ways, costing him money i cant replace. I can’t be […]
Ever since I can remember, I’ve had problems making and keeping friends. ive felt so lonely recently, and i feel like no one can help me, no one wants to help me
It’s slam poetry, so it’s better if I say it, but here it is
“is there a feeling that takes over you?
is there a feeling that just feels so… huge?
like a mountain of problems, of “oh, you’ll be fine”, of no way to solve ’em, and confusing your mind.
is there a feeling like that, makes you feel oh so flat.
makes you feel numb, feel defeated,
makes you feel that you were cheated.
by those who promised you’ll be […]
Hey hello you there.. if you see this post may you keep reading.. i really need your help.. SO
There will be a wedding party around 2 weeks from now. The groom is one my best friend and the bride is a fake friend/ a witch/idk what i should called her. As you guys know im battling my depression for 2-3 years and i just getting better this month, struggling by myself without medical, parents, or friends help.
Now i am fatter like 10kg more than before. Ive been locking myself all these years and doesnt want to meet my friends. One of the reason why […]
For me the big one is politics, that is things I do that actively undermine my sanity. The problem is that my former career, which I get tempted to resume from time to time, depends HEAVILY on political machinations. Just because I can’t do it right now… doesn’t mean I stopped caring.
But then sometimes I engage…. like I just made the mistake of doing…. and I pour myself out. Afterwards I’m shaking really bad, feeling a strong desire to dissociate
I want to get better, but I don’t know how to do that if it means I need to stop caring. As it is, I made […]
I remember when i did acid with them i was on the phone with someone i liked and i cared so much about that person more than the person i was with that when they said something rude to them i acted out of violence and i don’t think i could ever forgive myself for that. Even if i was on fucking drugs i put a piece of shit first. It caused a bad trip for me too because i realized what i did immediately after i did it and instead of being truthful i lied to protect myself. i told them idk why it […]
I feel like i fucked up. Things haven’t been easy lately and i’m very aware that it’s not an excuse. I tried a “drug” recently it’s not an actual drug but it’s a household object that can get you high. I introduced it to one of my siblings while i was on it because honestly i was selfish and wanted to keep doing it that day. I haven’t really touched it since due to the guilt. It’s just hard because she’s a few years younger than i am. I want to confide in someone i know with this information but i’m too afraid they’ll lecture […]
Right now I have no relevant news about any of my attempts to have a career again. It might be something, it might not, and there are no indicators right now to make me feel one way or the other. I feel like I’m perpetually holding my breath, and all I want to do is breathe all the way out and in, relax my lungs.
Now for the bad news; my therapist is moving on. I thought about saying retire, and that’s not right, and neither are fired or quitting. He’s got a new baby at home, and he’s taking some time to look after it.
There’s […]
I’ve tried on and off again for the past few weeks or so to write a post. Every time I get to the new post screen, I end up exiting and just turning my laptop off. I have done fucking nothing this entire leave of absence and just waiting to get back to Worcester. I have one month left. This entire time I’ve been ping ponging between worrying about flunking out of my master’s program, getting kicked out of the lab I’m apart of, or being fired from an upcoming internship. If it’s not worrying about A it’s B, if […]
i dont know why but i cant handle looking at myself. it makes me want to cry but i just cant. i seriously dont even know why this happens. i have a boyfriend but i know he could do so much better than me. i look at myself and i just want to disappear. my existence is embarrassing. i dont want to know what other people see. all of my friends are so pretty and i cant help but feel ugly.i dont even know if im ugly. i just want someone to tell me the truth. i dont want people to lie and […]
I’m 13 years old.
I’ve been on and off suicidal for 3 years, and the only reason I’m not dead yet is because I’m too weak to kill myself (I have very low pain tolerance).
There is so much I could talk about, but I need someone to listen to this…
I’m a waste of space, ok?
Don’t you fucking dare say I’m not.
I’m behind in school, I’m terrible at comforting people, I’m a creep, I’m crazy, and I have no fucking excuse.
I deny compliments, I talk shit about myself frequently to others, and they keep trying to be […]
it’s been a while since i posted here
they put so much pressure on me to know what i want to be doing in the future though the way they act, it’s hard to know what i should be doing in the present. it’s hard trying to follow their every command, trying to be perfect.
it’s so confusing.
i have this girl who calls herself my friend, but i’ve never said i’m hers. i hate her so much. she’s so self-centered, and the few times i’ve attempted to bring up my own problems(never again) she always makes it about her, and brings up her own. it’s […]
the only thing keeping me alive is my plan for when i go back to school, which will be next year.
i plan to commit in january 2024 at the top of my school building. i honestly hope i follow through with it. i’ve tried committing over 30 times these past 4 years, in which they all failed as you can see.
every day i try to find a reason to stay alive (in which i always succeed). but today, i really can’t find one.