I’ve been like this for 3 years now. My memory doesn’t even work anymore, everything is just a blur to me. Sometimes it’s crystal clear but today I barely remember a thing. I started working out and I started waking up earlier… 7:30 AM every day. It’s been three weeks and now I want to die. I thought that if I just kept pushing maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad but today is just not a good day.
Two days ago I felt awesome and now the past couple of days I want to die, and literally nothing changed except that I masturbated a […]
Gratitude is overrated, like many other optimistic/positive-thinking advices. Not everybody can do that. It’s unrealistic, and honestly full of BS (bullshit)
Gratitude has become today’s current hype which everyone seems to be doing, and even keep posting about it constantly on social media. Everywhere you see people always talk about gratitude (& with all other optimistic/positive stuff usually).
It becomes irritating however when gratitude is forced and shoved down our throats, as if everyone should (or must) do that. In reality, you can’t just force other people to keep showing gratitude constantly. Things happened, shits happened; problems, pain, & sufferings happen to some people, which is ridiculous […]
I was in Hawaii with a bunch of friends. Great time – right? Too much booze, lots of laughter. Until I did something silly and one of my friends yelled at me and told me to stop being childish. I immediately shut down and went to my room – on the 29th floor. Sitting out on the balcony bawling I started seriously thinking about jumping. That would teach him, right? I sat there thinking yes, no, yes, no, yes, no. Thankfully the “no’s” won out.
I never thought too much about revenge suicide until then. Other times, other reasons. But revenge suicide is […]
It’s raining. Of course it is. Nothing says darkness than a rainy day in my city. I lace up my shoes and go running anyway. I allow the drops of water hit me to say to the rain god, “not today.”
Before I started running I would have stayed curled up in bed and be afraid to venture out. Nothing wrong with staying in bed curled up on a rainy day, however, I wouldn’t move. I became paralyzed.
Now, I run and run as far as I can to clear out the many cobwebs that still live rent free in my mind.
I’m so desperately lost. And there’s no way out. The only way forward is to let go. Not necessarily of life, but of the kind of life I feel is worthwhile. Accept, and let go. And I can’t bring myself to do it. My mind stubbornly clings to delusional obsessions. Because if it’s not going to be how I imagined, I can’t see any meaning in it.
There may still be experiences worth having out there, if I could just let go of what is lost. But I can’t. I can’t bear to do it. I refuse to accept. And in refusing, I wear myself down. […]
I think I’m probably more into my anonymity here than most users of this site. It feels so good to be able to say stuff that can’t be directly traced back to the person I try to be. But on rare occasions, there’s spill over. I do talk about being suicidal in public forums, and sometimes I talk about things here that absolutely should give away who I am. The beautiful thing is that usually no one cares.
Like, that’s what was cool about the pandemic, suddenly everyone was just getting through today, it was possible not to care and be socially acceptable.
Right, rabbit trails, main […]
inside my mind im screaming outside they see all smiles from my face it hides my cell
I like so many others have questioned our place in this strange place. I grew up and have lived all over the world witnessing first hand suffering of the living on all levels. There is kindness in all of us at some point ( most likely when we are young) but we are raised in a world so lost and angry it breeds hate. Hate towards others because of race,sex religion and ourselves when enough time brews it or injects it into ourselves. I have always punished myself rather than others… I believe that our sickness only makes us the strong ones . MONEY and […]
iam a failure in every sense of the word, but I don’t mind being a failure. Not everyone is capable of being successful but I don’t mind that. Iam happy working menial job but when you live with an abusive family who oppress you it is impossible to find peace of mind. The only way I can find it is to get some work and move out but I can’t do that. Iam incapable. Iam not allowed to get a job. I can’t go out. Iam like a pet dog tied up with chains who’s abused day and night. So the only way for happiness […]
I’m so done with trying to work on myself. I can’t hold onto a clear thought in my head, it’s all caos and fog and this feeling: I’m done reflecting, I’m done reappraising, I’m done fighting to stay at the surface when the struggle uses up all the air I get anyways. I’m ready to drown. I’m ready to sink to the ground, forget everything, and finally – finally – have a moment of peace.
I will go out the way I want to even if it’s long and painful. Why do people have to be judged for that. Maybe I deserve pain if I’m so pathetic I can’t find their extremely rare chemical compounds that supposedly everyone is miraculously able to source. “Just Google methods duuuuur” what the fuck do they think I’ve been doing? The pro choice forum I was on has contributed greatly to me being forced to stay in this hell. I was not expecting to find difficult methods that are impossible to get right and be shamed for not wanting to choose them. Fuck SS […]
It’s hard to know what to do from here. The things I value in life are largely unrealistic and out of reach. But I can’t seem to bring myself to let go. To accept that it’s over. I failed to live life in a way that effectively worked towards anything. And now it’s over – it’s too late.
While everyone else was running the race, I was sitting at the start line. And now even if I start running, by the time I get halfway round, the race will be long over.
So it’s over – I failed to participate. But these parts of me still have […]
Just another debate
Just another book
Just another half an hour of agony every day
Pain is just a feeling
Just a thought
I loved to learn when I was young
Yet I was not a student of duty
The trees and the sun do not demand to live rent free in my head
I do not want to love knowledge as it’s slave
How is that love?
And yet I have started to argue that I really must, in some small part of me, want that kind of love
What is it to want? I must know, just one more question, one more book, one more day of crying my eyes out begging the universe […]
Never think ill go back to this site
I dont know what to do anymore
I just getting better until my parents said we cant have a dog in the house anymore
My dog is the only reason i started to feel like my day isnt going so bad
My dog is my friends my boyfriend my son my everything
The only reason i wake up and start to do my activity
He always waking me up with his cute voice and small lick
He knows when my day going badly and sit beside me watching me crying
He comes to me for snack cuddle or […]
Just find it
Just find it
Just find it
Is the only sentence that echoes
Down these halls
No rest for the wicked
How dare those who will not submit, those who will distract and pretend on their own terms even breathe
How dare you lie if not for others
But how dare you succumb to the pressure to pretend to pretend for others just so you can have peace from the vice of pressure in your head
Wave the white flag and not see that you are not just a liar, but the queen of liars
Nobody ever says these things
Even this construct in your head is a lie
And who said you are to […]
I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Each moment I’m living I want to go back to sleep where I can be unconscious. Living in this world feels like an ironic form of self harm.
I’m really tired.
It’s been a while since I have come on here. And yes, I’m looking for advice.
I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow for medication, although I’m wondering, will everything go back to square one, or will the truth come out? According to my psychologist, I have been doing fine for the past year, although did she really ever know me? I never told her how I really felt; I’m a coward, I already know, but what can one do when everyone around them is untrustworthy? Should I have told her how I felt? Should I have told her my plans for July? Should I have told […]
I’m not sure what to do, but I’m trying at least. I genuinely am. I know in the end I’m an ungrateful asshole because of how I feel and how I am, despite what I have. I heard my mom and stepdad talking about how good of kids we all are, and I felt shitty because I’m not as good as they believe me to be, I’m not even sure how they came to that really. I do try to be as good as I can… I don’t always do very good, but sometimes I do. I’m trying to improve and stop being this stupid […]
I tried to get the damn SN ITS NOT MY F*CKING FAULT!!!!! I know I’m going to have to off myself in a painful and excruciatingly painful way I just want to go dammit why do they have to heap guilt on people sometimes going above and beyond is just too much and we just need to bloody well die!!