i thought this year would turn out differently. i wanted to make friends and finally have people to go to at school. i just suck at talking at people and my anxiety doesn’t help with it either. I hate that every time I try I always end up failing.

In summary, I had everything planned out for me to die today. I had all the materials, the steps, literally everything in place for my third attempt. However, I was taking a bit to take action and actually begin, then I waited a little bit longer because I chickened out, and then I saw it. The queen died. It feels like a cosmic message to me, as I see all this commotion and all the different people that feel sad over her death. I imagine my family will feel a similar sort of shock, to have a 16 year old dead by suicide. That one […]

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“Have a few nice days without me ;)” Fuck you. Maybe I will. The most passive-aggressive smiley there is out there.

Hello again, I’m back after 4 years. I had to get back on here to help myself get back on track in life. I last posted in 2018 and primarily talked about the abuse I received from a classmate in my middle/high school. Now, I come back to you to talk about how the cycle continues. I have had an absolutely devastating year, I mean i’ve been miserable for all of college but it had really peaked this year. I moved back in with my family after I dropped out of university and ever since I moved in my life has been a living fucking […]

If I were dead, my dad would actually have to step up and take care of his kids, instead of making his parents, and in turn me, do so. I bet he doesn’t even think about it. I wonder if he thinks about us at all when he’s gone. Or cares. I feel like a nuisance every time I talk to him. I can’t talk to him about anything – like with mental or social issues. He doesn’t care. He said it wasn’t real and I was being selfish. That was years ago.

It’s been a shitty few days. I’ve already started procrastinating on my schoolwork […]

It’s my first time using something like this, but anything will do at this point. I feel like my voice is being enclosed and my vocal cords are shut down. I feel like I’m not enough everyday and have to live my life pretending to love those who could care less about me. Everyday I’m not enough, and every night I cry myself to sleep hoping for something different….for 7 years now, this feeling hasn’t gone away. I feel my body slowly becoming more and more numb each time I realize I’m not enough. My father was never around and my mother is too obsessed […]

Sad and lonely. It is what it is…

Did you ever wish to let go.? I’m daydreaming of a skyscraper, taller than where angels are sitting. I was never scared of heights. I want to feel free. I don’t want to get up anymore and I don’t want to fight with anyone either. Myself included.

Soon the time will come, where I will say goodbye.

Formulate my last words, try not to make them cry.

Soon I will fade away, while the rest move on.

An interesting phenomenon.

Soon the night will come, and in the night I’ll die.

They may, or may not cry.

I’ll take my one last breath.

I’ll kiss the face of death.

And say goodbye forever.

Soon.

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I’m about to go to jail for something alcohol related. Alcohol is often used as a form of “self medication”. Unfortunately your body and your mind can only consume so much before the alcohol starts consuming you. I think that can be said for any drug addict whether they’re using crystal meth/cocaine/etc. So even if your drug of choice works at first it’ll eventually it’ll eventually start to have negative effects not only on your body but your mind as well. Alcohol felt like a treatment for my social anxiety at first but as time passed and as I continued drinking everyday I slowly started […]

I happened to mention that I thought certain corrupt and amoral individuals should commit an act which might result in their death, and now I’m banned from social media. So you’ve correctly figured out that I’m suicidal, and the solution on the books is to kick me off for 12 hours….. great

I get the policy, I do, but being suicidal is a fucking rational response sometimes, and saying that it “isn’t allowed” is saying to me that I am not welcome, which usually is implied in more subtle and less direct terms

I’m supposed to be prepping to go out of town for work, if the […]

Tomorrow i have therapy and wbat I’m going to say?

Im depressed, did nothing the entire week bc Im depressed and I dont know how to get better

I wanna sleep. Only that. Dont want to talk to you madam, just sleep!!

:/

For the past year and few months, I have been feeling so low, mostly tied to work. I think I just really hate my career now and I want to quit but I don’t know how to do it without involving money. I am also currently in debt for hundreds of thousands of pesos because a combination of poor money managing skills and due to the pandemic. And maybe other stuff that just piled up so much.

Currently, I am in a job I fucking hate because of a difficult client. It feels I can never do good, I can’t seem to solve this current task […]

Im depressed again. This time is bad.

I need medication but I dont want to take medicine and besides that I dont have money to pay for it. Go to the doctor and say what? “Doctor Im depressed bc I dont want to live anymore and I dont believe in life or this world, do you have a magical pill for me?” ??????

Im trying to go to the gym. Exercise every day makes me feel better enough to live again. The problem is that it’s very cold here and I dont feel well when it’s cold, my depression gets worse.

Anyway, I’ll sleep a bit more before […]

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I’ve tried my hardest to make myself the most expendable person ever, I’m a people pleaser so it wasn’t that hard, be nice enough so that people don’t hate you over anyone, but quiet enough so that they can’t quite put you into a category. At least thats what i try to convince myself. “You don’t have any close friends so that when you’re gone you won’t hurt as many people” “It’s good that they constantly forget about you, this is the plan, remember?”. My friends aren’t bad friends. I’m lucky they even give me the time of day. I’m a horrible person for wasting […]

Ive been in pain for as long as i can remember. Not just mentally or emotionally, but physically in pain. Everyone writes it off as me being dramatic, but ive been forcing myself to do things that should be simple for so long. Even getting out of bed is difficult for me. Im tired of feeling this way and i can’t see an end for it through anything else. I don’t know what method i plan on using yet, and honestly i don’t even care if its painless at this point, my threshold for physical pain is so high that the hedaches i get now […]

I wish two Advil could be enough to overdose. I wish I could cross the street just when a truck was going just a little too fast. I wish that when I sleep I won’t wake up again.