So many times I’ve been told before that people “don’t think I can be happy.” I’m starting to think they are right. My anxiety and depression have gotten to the point where my medication isn’t working. This runs in my family, so there’s just no one to even talk to. It’s like, when I’m in front of the counselor, I can’t even convey the hurt inside. I always try to put on this face that everything is fine… and it’s not.

I think working from home has been really bad for me. I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot lately. My job is […]

Life is an odd thing.

You can have no friends, your family practically all passed away within a matter of 5 years, a grim past and equally bleak view of the future and where the world; not just your own existence is headed.

You can be aware with perhaps full on nihilism that it’d take close to 4 billion years going at 186,000 mp/s to reach the end of a still expanding universe, the thought putting into perspective perhaps how irrelevant this planet is. There’s likely hundreds of thousands of planets with other life going through the same issues human’s do. And one of them is awake […]

I’ve always felt that Don Quixote was the patron saint of the mentally ill. The story goes that an older man of upper middle class background loses his mind and thinks he’s a knight in the days of sword and sorcery. He’s actually living in a time when such things have become relics of the past, and not kindly remembered in some quarters.

Famously he attacks a windmill thinking it is a giant. The most interesting bit is when he goes to an inn for the night. He of course thinks it is a castle, and becomes enamored with the lady serving food and drinks. He […]

And yet I lay in bed with the curtain mostly closed.

I tried to get to the farmers’ market but as usual the fixing fucking streetcar never came, despite supposedly being two minutes away. So I just quit and went to the shit big box grocer’s.

The stress of waiting for a streetcar that seems it may never come seems a fitting analogy. You can make make the effort, do the thing you don’t really want to do cause you know it’s probably best, but other bullshit can and often will just get in your way and prevent you from accomplishing what you set out to do.

Same […]

I am incredibly sorry if somebody made you feel as though it was difficult to love you . I am so incredibly sorry if you have ever felt this way. But i promise you…… the universe will send you someone so unexpectedly. Someone who will every day and forever  remind you of how great you are. Someone who will reinforce your belief in love as well as in yourself. Someone who will see your flaws but will forever remind you that your imperfections ,are what make you so perfect. Just tightly hold onto this belief . In the meantime fall in love with yourself – […]

I think once the heart is broken , nothing  will be the same again. Yes , one can heal but it’s  never the same . You do become stronger -in fact , you become a lot stronger . You learn to find yourself and who you are . You grow up , you mature and you become bolder. It’s all learning process . Yes, it is all an experience . But, you’ll never be the person you were before. As […]

She had nothing but good intentions

She wanted to look after you

She desired to build you both spiritually and mentally

She may have been a handful at times but

Remember

She’s different from everyone else you know

She has the spark

She is ambitious

You know you knew it yourself

Nothing but good intentions and a pure heart to love you with

Never forget

He chooses present over perfect

Trusts over journey of change

Had a strong belief that things go with flow

He belives in simplicity and does best at his abilities

Loves deeply and think deeply about life

His purity makes him who he is!!!

For now he is an unseen world

Soon he is going to be rockstar with all love and success!!!

He knows to wait and believes that there is aways time for everything

My loyalty to you was etched in stone

Your loyalty to me was drawn on sand

(WASHED AWAY)

I am who I am

I’ve been where I’ve been

I’ve done what I’ve done

And that’s what makes me

I’ve made my mistakes

I’ve got my regrets

But now I’m moving on

I’ve broken many hearts

I’ve had some break mine

It hurts like hell

But it just takes time to heal

I know I’ve done right

I know I’ve done wrong

Sometimes I’ve done nothing

And that’s just part of life

It’s my life and

It’s my time and

It’s my place and

I’m doing it my own way

Here I am, a week after I came so close to ending it, and my thoughts drift to that moment when I thought I really would. It wasn’t that I dismissed my knowledge that it would hurt others, it was the temptation of the exit door drove out all other concerns.

In therapy today I compared it to seeing a beautiful woman and being aroused, and at the same time knowing the risk that comes from chasing her. Dead inside as I am, I can remember being young, when arousal was easy. I can remember some horrible decisions I made, chasing beautiful unattainable women, trying to […]

What the hell lifelong friend.?! 2 days ago I replied to my friend R. and she tells me short and cryptic sentences. It sounds like a goodbye. You’d think, someone who planned on dying, actually had some great last words to offer. But… that wasn’t the case.

So I’ve tried to make her tell somebody about the bottle of pills she swallowed, her roommate at best. It took me a while and I convinced her to do so – Radio silence. There was nothing I could do, so I just waited. Got a “My roommate took me to the hospital”, that’s it. I really wonder, if […]

Still alive. Not alive and well, but alive at the very least. I’ve thought about self deletion but I’ve not been able to think of any sorts of methods or anything. Is that cowardly of me? Is it selfish? I don’t know. But I’m still trying to hold on. Everything just feels dark. I can’t shake it off, I haven’t been able to for months. I feel like its growing, even.

But I don’t know how to make it stop, I can’t break this stupid cycle that I’ve found myself in. It makes me feel really stupid and worthless, if I can’t get out […]

After so many years, It never did stop. It never got ‘better’ and it never left in any manner. I ignored it. But That desire for Death, whatever it is, remains. It has been for far longer than even then, so many years ago.
But then such begs the question- What the fuck is crushing me like this? What the hell could this be? How is this happening? Can I do nothing except to hope for death? By measure of this world’s values, Such seems be the only answer. Hope. And do not touch. Love, and do not speak. Do not embrace. Do not […]

Life is but a meaningless cycle of anguish and despair. Even those we hold dearest will become formless faces of vague familiarity. Our purpose and place is indistinguishable and seeking fulfillment is futile. The only constant is pain. And lot’s of it.

Meaning is what makes life worth living. What makes pain and suffering seem bearable. I have robbed myself of any chance at what I consider to be a meaningful life. Any hope of meaningful relationships, or a future self I can respect. So all I’m left with is the pain and suffering. And although it’s not yet that severe, I don’t know how to bear it. Because I have nothing to console myself with. Nothing to use to tell myself “it’s ok”. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing to work towards. There is no positive meaning in my life.

All that is left for me is […]

I had a horrible day today. My niece (12) had lied to her mother, my sister in law about me. Saying that i “made” her mow tge lawn all by herself when I and her little sister helped. ALL three if us at the same time. She was even paid for it yet told a damn lie like it was child slavery. But its not that its the fact i tried to make her happy, free trips to the movies, free symmer camp, bike rides, trip to the water park, getter her free school supplies, ice cream, candy, staying up until 11 or even one […]

It gets up to 95 degrees in my room (35 c) for most of the day, like I said in the title would it be possible to wear heavy winter layers and sleep in bed under some heavy blankets and unalive?  I feel this could be a relatively painless, simple, and easy way for me to go, ive lost my job, my car, and my friends and family and ill likely be homeless in a few weeks and id rather not.

Right, no secret at all I’ve been having “jump ship” thoughts about the work I’m doing for over a month. Just this gut feeling, you spend most of your life in sinking ships, you start learning to bail early. I wasn’t allowed to, apparently I need to watch this shit go south.

We’re a sub contractor, our company works for the general contractor who works for the store that we’re building. In the last few days the owners of the store have been expressing frustration that we aren’t done yet. That’s the polite way of saying it. This multi national company is throwing a full blown […]