When life is out of hand.
I don’t know what to do, so I cry.
My tears to sleep, my heart to beat.
My phone becomes a tool to alleviate my woes. It has all the answers, mostly. The only thing I can control. When I’m sick, I google, and keep it to myself. When I’m sad, I ask my phone “why am I sad?”, I get the answer. Is it depression or anxiety? Both. But I keep it to myself. Self diagnosing, but I know deep down it’s true. But when there are no answers. And I don’t know what to do. […]

I only have one dog left and he has cancer. After he’s gone I’m ready to set sail out of this world….finally.  Sadly he’s not enjoying his last days and neither am I.

All I know is it has never been this bad. I’ve had thoughts of suicide for years but not like this. Not groaning on the fucking floor in agony wondering how deep I can jab sharp objects into myself. Or how many times. And i try to remember what changed in the last year. Literally nothing except last year they put me on meds. The shit fucked me up almost immediately so I took myself off it after 2 weeks. But my fucking brain is porridge. What am I supposed to do, go back to the doc so they can experiment with something else? We’re […]

I’m so lonely it makes me sick.

I don’t really have any friends. I used to have 2 but one stopped talking to me and I’m not sure the other even likes me. I’m horribly shy with an awful stutter so I have no chance of making new ones. I have no online friends as I don’t have much of an internet presence besides tumblr and some imageboards.

I can’t talk to my parents. My mother would just get mad at me and I don’t talk to my father anymore.

I just want this all to stop. I would’ve committed suicide by now […]

this story sucks but if you want to read it go ahead

i still get nightmares about my ex.

i wake up in cold sweat, still wondering if they’re spamming my phone with apologies, excuses, pleas, or just menaces. i have dreams about them crawling back to me for revenge, mocking me. sometimes i do have dreams of them being nicer.. but i always remember about how much they stalked me. im surprised there hasn’t been a bomb sent to my house since they probably still have my address.

i’ve heard their voice in my dreams, its been such a long time. it was soft.. but i still get shaken up.

no, i dont miss them in any shape or […]

I messed up again. Said one little wrong thing cause I was frustrated and back to being the family disappointment. Just to top fucking up things with my mom again, my brother is getting pulled into the crossfire of my mom’s anger. He hasn’t done anything wrong but of course, our mom’s anger is enough for two. Why do I always happen to screw things up? I know things for my friends and family would be so much better without me but I just can’t seem to end it. I’m too scared. I don’t fear death, not normally but the moment I stare it in […]

Life is complete bullsh*t, I mean I never signed up to end up wanting to kill myself in the end. Whats the point of living if everyone is going to die in the end, might as well be it over and done with when your young?

And here I am, i dont know what the hell im doing here, what is this place going to help me with, fix my problems?, No.

Nothing can ‘fix’ anything, no medications, no therapy or mindfulness, all of that sh*t, completely useless, a scam. I don’t even know how ‘talking about my problems, and feelings is going to stop me from […]

Hey, I just want to post this because I really hate my life and hate my mom so much. you have no idea what I’m going through, it might be not as bad as some other cases but I hope it can change because when I’m writing this is still going on. I have Asian parents, and Asian parents tend to be strict, and I probably land on the most terrible parent.
The story begins like this, (disclaimer I didn’t put my name nor how old am I because I don’t want anyone to get in trouble, and I was in a rush writing […]

Sometimes I feel so hurt that I want to die
That I want to hurt someone else.

I don’t know how long it has been like this. I really shouldn’t have a reason to be sad. But I feel empty. It’s been the same every day. There’s something really heavy on my chest or something missing. I can’t tell. But it makes it so much harder to move, to even walk. It’s suffocating. It’s tiring. And I’m really tired. I just want to sleep all the time.

I’m just trying to live my life as normally as possible despite this burden. I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Can someone give me tips on what to do?

look, I’m a cynical hateful shell of a person who happens to be having a very difficult to ignore good week.

so if you are assuming that down the line I’ll return to my anti life anti organizations anti capitalist apathy, know that I am too.

I still hate the cheery; “Oh, nice things happen, therefor they will continue” which is usually a terrible lie.

Which is the amount of cautious framing I have to do because if I say things are going better without that, my distrustful wounded brain will rebel, because we’ve trusted people before, and that didn’t work out.

I’m working as an electrician, which I […]

I don’t need a thing, and i don’t need nothing.
I don’t need grammar, and i don’t want confusion.
I don’t need to sleep, and I don’t need to be awake.
I don’t need your prejudices, and i dont want your praise.
I don’t need money, and i dont need poverty.
I don’t need wealth, and I don’t want the privileges that come with it.
I don’t need community, and I don’t need isolation.
I don’t need love, and i don’t want hate.
I don’t need your Sunday passion plays, and I don’t need your political Mondays.
I don’t want to have my cake if […]

I feel broken.
I feel worthless.
I feel like hell.
Because no one knows me.
I’m bottled up inside myself.
I feel like if I scream.
It could travel for miles.
My rotten self screaming for eternity.
Am I really that bad?

I’m so tired of my life. I’ve never loved anyone.  I Just want to disappear. Being alone for the rest of my Life.

funny, my 1st post a year ago asked the question if anyone has ever recovered from suicidal depression. And here I am a year later and deeper in the shit, even though Ive done everything they tell you to do. Medication: didn’t work. Reaching out for help: didn’t work. Get healthy & exercise: didn’t help. Stop drinking: didn’t help. Fresh air, sunlight, “positive attitude”, listen to music, try writing drawing creating: DIDNT FUCKING HELP.

I’m starting to think all this talk of recovery is the biggest scam since those 1920s cancer tonics. There’s no fucking cure for cancer. Some people just get lucky and it goes […]

Everyday I leave for school
A place where the world can be so very cruel
Everyday I lower myself
Into the endless pit of wallowing self-doubt
Everyday I play on repeat
“Worthless, Bad, Failure, Cheat”
Everyday I put on a smile
Would they even notice if I was gone for a while?
Everyday I get back home
Dropping the act when I know I’m alone
Everyday I want to die
But I can’t so instead I curl up and I cry
Everyday I think of why
Why must I continue being alive?
Everyday I find something sharp
To add to my collection another pretty mark

I’m am not doing good, I am not doing fucking good. I hate that I choose to go at it alone. How do I ask for help?

I’m already constantly feeling like shit but now i’m going broke and possibly a month or two away from losing my job. I don’t know what i’ll do. I hate that this is happening and I won’t say anything. I don’t even know if I can hide it anymore, my dad asked me how was work and he had this look on his face like he suspected it was not a good day. All I could get out while […]

suicidal thoughts are the only thing that make me feel alive. the only times when i feel anything is when i cry.

i managed to control my intrusive suicidal thoughts, i am doing much better in many ways, but now it seems that there’s still something like cptsd. it was there for over a decade, i just didn’t know that it had a name. and now that i am better at staying focused, when i get those cptsd triggers, they are intense. perhaps it’s because i can reach deeper into my memory, into my past.

i am not sure if i have the energy for this anymore. […]

4 am
Sleep deprived
Have to wake up in 2 hrs
Don’t want to sleep
Instead stay typing typing typing
Addicted to this bright screen light
My only hope and happiness
Don’t want to sleep
But I must