Mostly I just want to not experience this anymore. I’m the bad guy in my own life, but I don’t know how to stop. You always think of the villain in a story “Why don’t you just stop being like that? Just stop being such an asshole.” Just stop. Simple.

But I still have these emotions and thoughts, even when I’m not acting on them. I still want to do bad things, deep down. I don’t know how to stop that. Or how to want to stop. How do you stop yourself from wanting something? How do you amputate off your deepest emotions and drives? Where […]

I don’t want to leave my favorite coworker. She’s slowly become my best friend over the last two months, and I don’t want to leave her.
My cousin. He’s an only child and I’ve taken on the role of older sibling to him so that he has some form of positive influence in his life.
My brother. I want to rebuild my relationship with my older brother. We haven’t spoken in over five years, but I want to reconnect with him and I know I can’t do that if I’m gone.
I want to spend as much time as I can with my family’s dog before he’s gone.
As […]

Gotta dance

Ya gotta wait

Gotta try,

Gotta fail,

You gotta blow your brains out

You gotta weep,

Gotta cry,

Gotta suffer,

Gotta die,

You gotta blow your brains out

Gotta put that bastard down,

Gotta top your self off,

Give the dice a roll,

Bust your spinal cord,

You gotta lose control!!!!

AAAAAÀUUUUGH!!!!

you gotta mask,

Cause bye and bye,

We are all slated to die,

The world will pull your soul out,

Turns all smiles into frown,

Deeper than any previous down

I’ve always struggled to talk about my paranoia, because it is a weak part of me, and I don’t like projecting weakness.

Nevertheless, this one thought has gotten too loud to ignore; I’m terrified of becoming a cult leader.

Here’s where I feel really strange, really out there. That’s not a normal fear at all. Yet, from an early age I’ve been fascinated by cult leaders and other powerfully charismatic leaders. It’s like a bank account that never runs out, interesting, but dangerous.

Everywhere you see one of these people, you will see the human suffering toll in their wake. I’ve been looking, and I am yet to […]

I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to want. I don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t know why I should be alive. I am 22. I am going to University for engineering. I am working on my senior project. I’m not particularly good at it. I don’t really know what I’m doing. The only really good thing I know to do is get people who knows what they are doing. That’s honestly the only thing that I’m good at. Bullshitting. I don’t know where am I going. I am applying for […]

It’s getting bad again. Not like before but worse. At least before it went away for a day or two before returning. Now it’s the only constant. Neverending and just getting worse. I think I want it to stop but I’m not sure. It the only thing I have right now. It it leaves, what will happen? Will I get better or will that be it for me.
I just want relief from this shit.
Nothing helps it anymore. Cutting used to but it’s pointless to me now. Pills make everything worse. Suicide seems to be my only way out but I don’t wanna die.

Quitting is for my passion now. I cant improve my palate if im destroying it.

I can tell that theyre unsettled and have yet to be laid to rest.

Theyre the prisioners rattling their chains.

Silently screaming to be heard.

To have understanding.

I hope one day they will be able to rest peacefully…

(For anyone curious or my future self reading this, its about my memories.)

I’m just sharing thoughts. From the perspective of a lost soul, unable to be free:

I got something to do, something that is supposed to be done by me. I’ll probably know what when the time comes…

Life ain’t this bad, it just temporarily feels unbearable, but with time it will get better. Maybe a normal life awaits, with love and children ( this is unimaginable in current state, but hey, I can dream).

This is a plan of god, so that the ones remaining true may enjoy eternity in heaven ( I personally think this one is good for a joke)

I will live to see something worth […]

pain. that’s all i feel. emotions are long forgotten. i don’t know what’s happening around me. everything just fucking hurts. every bone in my body is filled with agonising pain and it just won’t fucking stop. screaming doesn’t help. self harm is starting to not help. how is it ever gonna get better? i just want out. i want it to stop. i need it to stop

Sometimes I feel like there is no point in living because I feel like all people are bad. I feel like society only cares about looks and they are so mean when someone isn’t skinny or fits the beauty standard. Or they are probably racist or homophobic or something, they care about money over people. There are times when I just hate everyone, everything they do just irritates me and it’s like everyone is just so stupid. I know that I’m not a good person either, and probably only feel this way because I hate myself, but at least I don’t judge people over insignificant […]

it sure has been a week. honestly it feels like years have gone by between monday and today, days feel kinda blurred? who knows. my head feels like a cat’s litter box.
food is still kinda difficult; i found my body feels hungry but i have no appetite and honestly not enough energy to actually eat, so there’s that.
at some point this week i found myself crying because for a few days i’d been craving a milkshake, or something like that? but just thinking about having to go downstairs, prepare it, wash the dishes and then drinking it was too much effort, so i […]

1. Take any sort of pill: My last suicide attempt was an attempted overdose. I spent 12 hours puking and dry-heaving. Now, even the thought of taking any sort of medicine in pill form makes my stomach turn.
2. Talk to my family about my mental health: They don’t understand why I feel the way I do. They don’t understand why I feel depressed, and they refuse to change their mindsets. I’ve tried to explain it to them, but nothing ever really changes.
3. Brush people off: I know what it feels like to have my feelings be brushed off and ignored. I refuse to […]

“When we, as clinicians, respect and honor confidentiality, our patients feel safer to explore their problems.”
“The Mental Health Act sets out several reasons that a person may be held as an involuntary patient. The two most common reasons are:

The person is a danger to themselves, another person, or may unintentionally injure themselves, or
The person’s condition is deteriorating and they require hospitalization.”

By having this Mental Health Act, doesn’t it collide with the confidentiality part?
I don’t understand how you can say that we feel safer to explore our problems but then force us to watch what we say. Yes, we are suicidal, that’s how it […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

As long as I stay busy at work I am doing okay. Even staying busy in the evening is good. It’s the weekend when I am drowning and the intrusive thoughts are coming.
“I don’t deserve to live.”

“I’m such a fucked to person.”

Some days I just want to wallow in my misery but there is no space for that. And can I just have some silence for a while?
Don’t think. Just don’t think. It will be fine if you stop thinking.

I’m back to square one.

Started to feel same shit again.

Mind hurts. It plays. Fuck. Shit.

No matter how much a person pretends to be good and kind they will still have negative aspects

As soon as you read the title, this question probably popped in your mind. Why did this girl steal her father’s car? Well, luckily for whoever may be reading this you will find out. The short answer is that I stole it in order to kill myself. For the past week before the incident I was feeling really depressed. Not unusual but the depression was hitting pretty bad this time. I was very suicidal but actually didn’t think about taking his car until the night before so it was an impulsive decision. It was 7:30 AM when I started the ignition of the car and […]

I shouldn’t be alive , I shouldn’t be fucking alive. This is all fucking pointless. Just let me die already please. I’ve tried so many times that there has to be a reason for me still being here yet I get no fucking answer. I’m stressed the fuck out , exhausted and mentally drained. I don’t wanna do this anymore. It’s just not worth it anymore at this point.