I’m lost. I’m completely lost, I thought I was making a life for myself but it turns out I’ve just been sweeping everything under the rug. All I’ve ever done is help other people and make sure that they were doing okay despite the fact that I’m suffering.

I don’t know how to help myself, I’m scared that I’ll just suffer more consequences for trying. I made a big step today but I’m not sure if it was a good choice. I feel completely numb and apart from the world yet again, I hate this feeling I want it to go away. Maybe I’ll get professional […]

I’m back here again, somehow.

It’s odd looking back at my ramblings, the feelings I had when I joined all those years ago, and yet despite all the changes, I’m back here again.

I wonder how the people I’d met on here are doing?

Hopefully, they found their way, like I’m trying to.

I know what this place is, why people are here, and yet, I’m back here again.
Not sure what this means, honestly. I guess I just want some of the lost souls that pass through here to find their way out. To make it out okay. My headspace […]

after looking at what was in front of me last night i decided to message my friends, shits clearly wrong.
anyway that was just added to go into this next part, which i honestly doubt ill get any legit help with 1) lack of people to reply and 2) my bpd so no offense but if you understand the disorder, youll understand why i say help is probably useless so its more of just a vent i guess.

hes special to me. and i dont feel connected to him at all. consider it a LDR. i dont want to be more involved with his life. from […]

desperate longing to feel some sort of connection with another human being + complete inability to reveal self to others or be accepted = yet another pointless sp post

probably repeat this in a few days, when the urge to wrestle with this insoluble problem next strikes

at least I can pretend to myself I’m doing something, even if it’s pointless

Update: I’m okay.
Physically, anyways.

Thanks to everyone who showed support.. but honestly please don’t waste your time on me. That’s all.

I find it extremely bizarre that this world is founded on a farce. We all worship the almighty dollar, and yet it isn’t even real. Money only has value because we are told it does. And yet, if we have an abundance of money, life becomes easier. When we are wealthy, we have more options. When we are poor, we constantly worry about money and how we’re going to get it. For the majority of people, it means going to a lousy and demeaning minimum wage job every day of every year until we retire. That is, plain and simply, living to work. Who wants […]

Sometimes, I just get so frustrated and mad, then at first it feels like I’m stuck, can’t move. Then my hands start shaking, arms, I clench and unclench random muscles… I can push more, but stopping it isn’t something I can do.

I tried, that was a mistake. That sums it up. I applied to more jobs, because even some money would be better than being absolutely destitute. I “heard back” from two. One asked me to keep working on my application last night. Then, before I woke up today, they sent me an email that they weren’t interested. What the ever loving fuck? I know […]

So. I’m a “recovering” addict at age eighteen. Don’t really have much going for me, now do I? No. Not at all.
I suffer from BPD, MDD, GAD, and bipolar. This is great, isn’t it? Sounds like a bouquet of shit you never asked for. Sent by your ex. While you’re with your new partner. On a Monday.

To get to the point: I’ve come to the point where I want to die. It seems like everything in this world is against me, and I can’t take it anymore.  And some people might say, “Oh, that’s just life. Get over it – there are people dealing […]

I’m sorry to everyone who I’ve ever let down. Eighteen years of my bullshit. All of it is for nothing.
I’m sorry to Branson, I’m sorry to Blake, to my mother, to my father, brother, biological father, everyone. I’m so sorry for ever being born.

My whole life has been one huge waste. I became an addict at age 14. I blew my parents’ money ever since on drugs, sex… everything. I’m ready to leave.

There is nothing good about me. Nothing. I’m sorry that I ever bothered attempting to live. I’m sorry that I decided that this was the time to ever do anything. I/m sorry […]

im hungry. but i dont want to eat. i dont even want to have a drink so i can take an advil for my headache. ill think “im hungry” but then ill look at food and just see weight. ive already dropped basically back down to my school weight. and im just about under weight. (the bmi line being 17-18 and mine is currently 19). i know i dont need to lose weight but i hate how i look so much.

honestly it kind of confuses me. ill see other people talking saying “ive gone (pick an hour under a day) without eating” and im going…..but […]

Was going through my email and found an old email from this website. Holy hell it’s been years. Things got better and things got worse. The sad thing is the feeling of wanting to kill myself never left. But I have decided to live for those around me. Those who enjoy seeing me and my time. But i know when I get home I always make my peace with leaving them. I always know they’ll be okay when I’m gone. I’m not that important to anyone. I stopped being important long ago. I used to be sad my ex girlfriend left me and cheated on […]

I need a drink. I hate living with others. “don’t drink too much”. Why can’t I do what I want? And right now, I want a drink.

Whatever, you’ll be asleep soon.

I don’t know why I am so angry recently. Everything and everyone makes me so mad and it’s like everyone around me is so stupid. I just don’t wanna be around anyone, I don’t wanna go to work, all of my family is over for dinner and I don’t want to be around them, everything they do annoys me. I also don’t want to be around others because I don’t want to be here at all I feel like I just want to disappear. I feel too ugly and fat to be seen by anyone, and I feel like I really want to die right […]

Having a goal and finding that you’re somewhat good at something really helps. Although I don’t want to get better, I can’t help it. I haven’t felt this neutral in years, in winter, with this rainy, dark, weather. I don’t know how it is happening but I think I am getting better. I expected to be disappointed again. It really sucks saying this and many people, as much as they’ll understand will be offended by this. I don’t want to get better, if I stop being…who I was, I won’t be happy either. I expected so much worse. Seriously reconsidering how much of a idiotic […]

Im 30, never known my father other than he abused my mom till the day she gave birth to me. I found out hes been in prison since he was 21. Hes 50-something or other…point being i thought i didnt care. How could i? Someone so cruel to physically hurt the mother of their child even after giving birth to said child-thats not man. So why should i care? Recently outta the blue my mom shows me a picture of him for the first time in all my life and now- i dont know how to feel. Its weird, a numb kinda feeling. Like im […]

It is like a puppeteer and i its puppet. Its nothing more then a game. And im losing…

To give it nothing to put on an act for, am i only falling into its trap?

“To choose between your demons and the person who held you down, girl”

Its been 3 days. I havent said a word….

And neither have you.

Youre probably happy. You probably wish i didnt come back. You tell me you love me. You tell me that you care. But im nothing but problems. You say you look past all of that, but that doesnt mean i dont drain you.

You havent checked on me. I never not message you. Giving me space? Or im right and you dont care. Maybe you did at one point, but one person can only handle so much and i know im too much.

I wish i was dead. Then no one would have to put up […]

i do think that i must be doing something wrong, because there’s just no way life’s supposed to be this miserable.
my head feels warm and foggy; i can’t remember what it feels like to not have a headache lol

You knew not to check. You knew checking for a message would make you check more. You’re doing so good, just don’t talk to them. I don’t know how to not talk to them

When you can’t do shit, life is either telling you to kill yourself, or suffer.

Wanted to enjoy that show you decided you’d like? Nope! Triggers. You can’t watch that.

That game you’ve been working on the past 2 days straight? All that hard work and most of what you collected? GONE!

Why do I bother with anything? There’s no point if everything I work at, if everything I like, gets shoved in my face like I’m a clown and my likes are a pie….

The villagers in my game even rejected me….. There was a dance and everyone said no. The gifts I tried to give to make […]