https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/Anthony-2-btr.m4a

The days are growing shorter. September is hours away, and this morning I wore a light jacket in the morning.  I used to look forward to summers transition to fall, this year…well, it’s going to happen, so what’s it matter what I think? The state fair is in full swing, and living as close as I do to the fairgrounds, I can hear, off in the distance, the sounds of whatever band is playing tonight…you know the sound of a concert that’s already started as […]

This is the last week. This is it, and I can’t be happier. I’m giving my roommate one last gift, and then this weekend, I’m gone. I have a journal with all of my goodbyes and I am ready to go. No more math, no more anxiety, no more depression. I have no regrets, no more wishes, my dreams were dashed to pieces years ago.

Goodbye to the friendships that died as soon as I left high school. Goodbye to the dreams of a girl the world killed years ago. What ever waits for me on the other side of the veil, I welcome you with […]

If you could peek into your future, would you?

But then that begs the question, even if you could see your future, could you change it?
Whether you can or cannot makes a huge difference.

How many of us have been sad, miserable, depressed for a long ass time?
For how many years? Decades?
When will it “get better”?
For how many people does it actually “get better”? What’s the %?

I have a nagging feeling that for the vast majority of depressed people, life doesn’t get better. If it did, there would be more success stories. If it did, there wouldn’t be so many suicides every year, so many suicide sites, so many therapists, etc. And so many older elderly people reporting they’ve been depressed for decades, many since they were children or teens. What […]

Does anyone else feel “cursed”?

As in you’ve always gotten screwed no matter what. No what what you did, didn’t do, say or didn’t say. No matter how smart you are or how hard you worked. No matter what “good” decisions you’ve made in your life- it all turns out to be bad in the end.

It’s like being born with a dark cloud over your infant head. I was cursed the day I was born. I’ve had a shit life my whole childhood- abuse, neglect, psychological torture, etc.

Thought adulthood away from my abusers would result in a great life full of […]

Somehow, the Little Mermaid song is in my head. O_o

What are we to do with ourselves, fellow depressives?
We are trapped in the gooey sap between the living and the dead- we who are neither living nor dead. We are technically alive but not living. Our souls have been smothered years ago.

What are we to do, fellow depressives?
We cannot seem to escape this deep chasm of eternal depression, yet cannot seem to end it all either. Those who were able are no longer here.

Is our fate to “live” the rest of our lives in eternal pain, until the day we […]

I was nine when I realised I wanted to kill myself. Nine. I didn’t know the word suicide, I just knew I wanted to die. Bullying made me feel that way. Also I was an undiagnosed autistic and that makes life difficult. I couldn’t cope in the world. I’m 52 now and was diagnosed at 47 and I still cannot cope. The world doesn’t understand me and I don’t understand it. My partner of 18 years doesn’t understand me despite him being the first person to know I suspected myself of being autistic. I have tried to educate him to get him to see life […]

I find it hard even beginning to type because I feel like I’ve gone over this so many times to myself. I can’t get over a betrayal that happened 10 years ago. I’m married to the person who betrayed me, and have been for 6 years now. We’ve been together for about 9 years I guess. The whole thing just makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit, and I’m afraid there is no remedy for it. I’ve tried time and time again to just erase it, but I cannot forget, and I most certainly cannot forgive. I just don’t have it in me, […]

So I know this guy (I’ll call him John) stood up for me when my ex was using bullying names towards me on the video game server.

I know a high level admin (I’ll call him Sam) of the server was bullying John. John is also an admin but he is of a lower level. Sam had called John names and made nasty remarks about his life i.e. ‘you have no life!’. John asked Sam to stop. Sam refused. The next day John confronted Sam. Sam erased the conversation and never apologized. Can you say ‘coward’?

I’ve known John much longer than Sam, even though they are […]

I finally have a time. It’s a general idea, but it’s still a time. I’m not gonna put some impossible time limit on this. This is happening and there is nothing that can stop it. I’m not going to let this shit cause me anymore anxiety or sleepless nights. No more math class anxiety. No more project panic attacks. No more fits of tears from people who don’t actually have an interest in my well being. Fuck it, fuck all of it. This is my life and for once, I’m gonna control what happens. I’m not putting my decisions through anymore filters. I’m gonna live […]

the best things happen to the shittiest people and the worst things happen to good people, or the most depressed/vulnerable people.

Do you believe in karma or justice? I can’t believe in that anymore after decades of being on Earth and consistently seeing the good get punished and the evil get rewarded. Or the ones with already good lives keep having good things happen to them and the ones who are already bad off just keeps getting shit piled on them, time and again. Not just to me but I see it in others.

Now it’s not 100% of the time but way too […]

Some people don’t get chances in this society

I applied for a college course in marketing & communication on 10th of August and patiently waited to receive a call back for an college interview. I waited for almost 2 weeks and i still did not receive a call back and so i took the initiative to call and ask about my application. All of sudden they managed to get back to me and sent me an email telling me i need to make a motivation video along with a motivation letter (i know seems redundant, but i still did it) and send it via email.

They set […]

I seriously don’t care about so much and it feels so good. Like, normally my math class would have me in a tail spin of anxiety and panic attacks, but now? I don’t care. I’m gonna enjoy my time here, I’m gonna have fun and I’m gonna enjoy the classes I actually chose to take. Screw math, screw passing, screw it all. This is the best I’ve felt in years and I’m not gonna let anything stop me from having a good time.

I am writing this as my final goodbye to whom I have no idea as let’s face it people don’t really need it who are close to me. For years I have battld and go through by myself. The strenght in me has held me together. Now al I am is a empty shell of what I use to be.

I lost another close friend to me and it ended in him being in intensive care. My healths geting worse and so is the pain. They say you should fight for the one’s you love. They say so many things to me. Just need to now […]

I am a victim of bullying due to autism. I have been bullied by hundreds of people. People who bully me aren’t bad people, they are nice to everyone else but they bully and hurt only me because they think I don’t deserve to live due to my mental disability. That’s a really bad situation because that means they don’t have any enemies and I have lost any hope for them to suffer or ‘pay’ for their wrongdoings. The longer I live, the more people I meet and the more bad experiences I get with people. I don’t see any other way out of this […]

Yesterday is tomorrow and tomorrow is yesterday. I watched an older movie tonight, and flashbacks of the past flooded my eyes for a second. Good memories. Comfortable ones, for once.

And the eyes are so powerful, we seek them out in panic, submit to them out of fear, they shape who we become. They help us heal and move on.
I miss my dad so much. He had a warm smile. I miss that the most, especially on Saturday mornings. Never a bad one, strangely.

What’s going to happen to me when my mom passes away? Is it horrible to say I never want to see her […]

I don’t understand.

I just want to die already.

I don’t understand the duality of humankind. At one moment, I can be listened to, appreciated, understood, and cared for. At the next, I can be brushed to the side as a mere nuisance in everyone’s lives. Utter garbage at their feet, begging to belong. I don’t understand people – yet I call myself an extrovert.

I go from the celebration of being elected Homecoming King to debating suicide in the same night. I get accepted into multiple colleges and offered multiple scholarships, but my only goal in life now is to stop […]

Not suicide related

New online friend ghosted me, not really sure why. Ironically they told me to let them know if I no longer wanted to talk to them…
… well they didn’t do that for me.

Now I’m stuck with only one online friend, won’t be long before she gets sick and tired of me and leaves as well. Sometimes she doesn’t reply to what I write. But I understand. I’m very, very unlikable.

I think I should give up. Don’t even like people anyway. I mean I talk to other people on the game server but they are all acquaintances…

Better that way, don’t have all the […]

🙂 I can’t do anything. I can’t take antidepressants either cause they scramble my brain, and it’s possible that I have a personality disorder and I was told that’s what happens to people with PD’s who take antidepressants. 🙂 Natural crap won’t work. This is one of those cases where I NEED the chemical reset because the case is so extremely and deeply ingrained in my brain that I can’t have life otherwise. And yet, salvation eludes me. 🙂 I don’t even know what it feels like to be capable to work a job because I’ve been like this for so long… I can’t imagine […]

The 10 Happiest Countries in the World
https://www.cntraveler.com/gallery/the-10-happiest-countries-in-the-world

1. Finland. For the fourth year in a row, Finland is number one when it comes to happiness.
2. Denmark. Denmark remained in the number two spot this year. …
3. Switzerland. …
4. Iceland. …
5. Netherlands. …
6. Norway. …
7. Sweden. …
8. Luxembourg. …
9. New Zealand
10. Austria

Damnit, why wasn’t I born in any of those countries? -_-