Not that I am actively suicidal *right now,* but I am generally suicidal 24-7 bc there is no purpose nor any meaning to my life. I have tried to find one but to no avail.

What is the point of living? Or rather the point to MY living?

I’m not religious, so no comfort from living for a “higher power” or whatever.
I haven’t spawned any kids, so I don’t have to stay or nurture any non-existent beings.
I haven’t done anything meaningful in life- I haven’t created anything, saved any lives, etc. I am not spectacular in any way (maybe spectacularly […]

I worry about participating on sites like these, talking to suicidal people. Especially those who are younger and more impulsive than me. I worry that I might say something that triggers something for them, which then pushes them over the edge. Not intentionally or from being insulting (I think I’m rarely mean), but just carelessly through discussion. And it’s not that it would exactly be my ‘fault’ if that did happen. I don’t think I have the power to make anyone kill themselves who isn’t already 99% of the way there. But it still concerns me.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that no […]

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/americans-are-unhappiest-they-ve-been-50-years-poll-finds-n1231153

The actual study and report aside, does anyone find the picture funny? The first thing I thought of was: “ha! imagine if an alien saw this from above. What would they think about us humans?” (say they don’t know what covid-19 is)

Is there a way to change the password to something we want or that can actually remember? Right now it’s set that if you want to change the password, SP autogenerates one for you. It’s super long and impossible to remember. I remember SP used to let us have our own passwords in the past.

Previously, I went to visit family in California for the summer. I was in a pretty bad place mentally, so I used the money I had saved up to go surfing all summer long.

And for the first time, in a long time, I was happy.
Not just happy on the waves, but at home too. It’s like the board was an extension of my body, and I was free to be me when I went out.
No homework, no stress, no group chats, no toxic friends, no mom, no dad, no yelling, no crying, just me, and the board.
Just me, surfing. […]

hate is typically a word of anger. but this time…….i hate myself so much that im crying…….

I am 16, and I know that I will be dead in a couple of months. Over the last two years, I’ve thought about life and death a lot. It just doesn’t seem to be worth it, living in a world that is deteriorating as I write. I don’t want to slave the rest of my life away at a job either, and pursuing alternative options seem either require money or to be too risky.

There isn’t really a benefit to me living, anyways. When people tell you to not kill yourself, they always bring up family and friends. Whenever I think about how my people […]

Alone

Ever since i was a child i’ve always felt alone in this world. As a child my home/family situation has set the tone for my neural development. Out of all the typical domestic troubles such as physical and emotion abuse, to an overall unstable living environment filled with family drama…my depression started to manifest.

Ever since i was 6 i could remember feeling alone, sad and not having anyone to talk about how i’m feeling. Often i had to entertain myself. Whenever i watched other kids interacting with their father and mother (or other family members) having fun and i often wondered why it made me […]

It feels strange. Being ready. Ready to do it. It’s strange because I feel calmer. Because I know that whatever is going to happen in the future won’t matter…because I won’t be here, I won’t be there to see it, to feel it, to experience it. I won’t be there. So it’s nice. It’s calm. Because the time I’m dreading won’t come, I choose for it not to come.

I feel bad though. I do. For my grandma. She always talks about how she wants to die because it’s so hard for her, and I know that out of anyone she is the one that really […]

Ive been on this medication for a little bit now. (I should see if i can find out how long and update this). I think somewheres between half a year and a year? Or maybe im just coming up on half a year? Has it really been that long?

Well to start with i should probably tell you how living without my medication is. Its torturous, plain and simple. Absolute fucking hell.

On my medication? I love it! Its so much easier to handle things and i have episodes a lot less.

But like all good things theres a catch…

I dont feel any better. I just feel like […]

things are finally getting a little better, I’m still struggling and a lot of things still suck but i think I’m making an improvement.
i started cutting again but im trying to stop. I’ve started meds and I’m starting therapy soon. I’m really scared for it but it’ll help.

I’ve posted about this guy a few times before. i have been crushing on him for so long and we are finally a thing. i have wanted him to like me back for so long and now he does. its going so amazing so far, i really hope i don’t screw up

I have a general hatred and disdain for the human species. First, we ruin the planet. And second, most people are evil, shitty, selfish, manipulative, opportunistic, liars, users, etc. Sure, there are a small number of good people, but overall, most humans are shitty. And somehow during my whole life I seem to encounter the bad ones and very few good ones. Of course my viewpoint is biased toward my own life experiences (but isn’t that the case for all of our viewpoints/thoughts/beliefs)?

The ones who’ve had nice childhoods, good family, little to no adversity, pain, or poverty and […]

Since I was a kid, I’ve had SO much fucking suffering, pain and hardship. Now that I’m an adult and middle age, life has only gotten WORSE over time, not better. How I wish I was never born. All this f*ing suffering, for what?

I’m sorry, but “extremely serious” “looking for someone to marry” and “let’s take a walk in the woods”

NOT a good combination.

He’s so dumb sometimes!

extreme cravings day 3

It isn’t a secret; I seem to take myself too seriously. On the other hand that makes much more sense when it is understood that my social ready personality was intended to be biting satire of the culture around me. I got so sarcastic that I started living in the world I had created. Another thing; our species is on average bad at understanding sarcasm, but perhaps more on that later.

20 years ago, if you can believe it, I was a lost and angry 13 year old. I was trying to find a place, and increasingly finding that the spaces for people like me are […]

I’m not sure I really want to be in contact with them, the police asked me for their details (names) so I gave them the names. That was in relation to my dad’s death.

But I’m tired of people, and I just got off the phone with a relative. I’m sure she’s laughing at how much of a failure I am to herself.

I have no reason to contact my family, really. For what? To talk about dad’s death? Well I don’t need to tell them that. It seemed they knew that he had a drinking problem though.

I just want to be left alone 🙁

But I don’t […]

I was so angry.
no, that’s an understatement; I was livid.

The problem?

my mom said we were out of butter for the toast I was making.

I got so pissed because we ran out of butter. BUTTER. I don’t understand why the littlest and stupidest things are starting to set me off, but i’m worried i’m going to snap at the people I care about.
Why does this happen?
I just don’t get it.

most of the time, i just feel like i’m trapped in some sort of abyss, a limbo, where nothing seems to happen and the emptiness is oppressive. but then, when things happen, they happen all at once and it’s just so much it’s overwhelming.

i need more balance. this is one of those much harder problems it seems. my brain does just one weird insignificant thing and then it confuses me so much that once i actually figure out how to deconstruct it, everything makes sense all over again and i have too much motivation and too many ideas for how to move forward.

stupid brain.

I turn 21 tomorrow, and everyone is so excited and I just want to end it, no more running. I just want peace.