Fucking shit. I don’t even know how to start this post as my eyes hurt from so much crying.

It is easier to read my last post to understand what I’m about to write as I’m too tired to retell the story. Anyway, I had my therapy session today. But let’s start from the beginning. Coming from class last night, I get an email from my university’s counselor asking me to call her the next morning (this am.) When I do, she tells me that my friend opened the letter I had given her and, obviously, had to do something about it. The counselor asked me […]

I am really fading now.  I know I’m not ever going to be ok.  Hanging on as long as possible because animals depending on me.  Every night I am having very graphic nightmares:  decapitations, rapes, stabbings with scissors, all kinds of tortures going on in mightmares.  Daytime isnt’ any better as it is always the living nightmare, worse even than the dreams.  I am so ready to go and find the peace of death.   I was taught growing up that this world was the work of a loving god!  You have got to be kidding me!   You know what I think we’re all being fucked […]

It’s crazy how you can be surrounded by so many people everyday but still feel so alone. It feels like no one is here to listen or care. I feel like such a disappointment to my parents and as if I’m losing everything and everyone. I try so hard to live a happy life but what’s the use if I’m not really happy. It feels like the walls are caving in on me and I’m letting them bc I want to give up. This summer was by far the worst summer of my life. I was at my lowest and I don’t recall anyone there […]

I am in a relationship with someone and he says he’s loves me but he’s not in love with me. I love him so much, I don’t want to love without him. I try to be happy with the way things are and I try to envision life without him and moving on but it just makes me feel like my chest is crushing in. I tried to kill myself last year but he stopped me and I was in the hospital for days. I tried to be happy and okay but I’m not and I don’t want to live if he doesn’t want me. […]

I could tell you 1 million things you probably never knew….i could tell you what jello really is…how to fix a tire…how to stay focused….how to see it from a diffrent prospective….but i could never tell you how to be happy because i dont know how…i could never tell you how to care because i dont know how….and i cant give you a reason to live because i personally haven’t found one yet…..i could tell you 1 million things but things that matter are not one….because like you i dont know im told everyone has a reason to exist & i dont know mine […]

Today I have three more days on this fucking forsaken earth.

Fuckkkk this shit man.

Sometimes I feel
Like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground
I’ll live down there without a sound
And never hear these hissing voices all the same
I’ll disappear ’cause living makes me feel ashamed

I must believe
There’s more above us and below
I must believe
Stranded with this ***** called hope
It keeps me here
When all I wanna do is go
It keeps me here
When all I wanna do is disappear

[Chorus:]
If this is it
All we have and ever will
If this is […]

I’m really sick. My throat hurts like hell and my lungs close up making it hard to breath. I live alone and none of my parents ever text me to see if I need something. All they care about is me passing all my subjects at university. I’m a human being, I have feelings and I’m not perfect. I started talking to a boy, but after some days passed, he lost interest in me and stopped texting me. Again, all alone. And I wonder, why me, God? Why do people waste my time like that? Why do my parents forget about me? I hope I […]

No matter how hard I try to, I just CAN’T be happy today. I can’t help but be filled with sadness and cry and push everyone away. I feel like such a failure.
But then when I am happy, I feel like ANYTHING is possible, and that I will never be depressed again.
Then I am back to being depressed and I don’t see how I could EVER be happy again.

I don’t know if I’m just moody and depressed or if I’m bipolar, but I hate it. I hate not being able to keep any of my friends. I hate how my mood changes so […]

I can’t just ‘get over it’. I can’t just ‘cheer up’. I can’t just ‘smile. I can’t just hope that ‘things will get better in the end’. I can’t just hope that ‘it will all work out in the end’. How do you know? How do you even know me? Or my pain? Or my secrets? You may think you are my best friend and you now everything there is about me but the truth is…you only know what I choose to show. What I choose to tell you. <p>

Please don’t tell me to just cheer up. It’s not that damn easy. If it was, […]

over the past month things have gotten worse. i’m still self harming (even more so than before) and now i’m not eating. i’m just so sad all the time and i can’t help it. i need someone here with me, to hold my hand and tell me everything is okay. i feel so desperate for a way out.

This is my life…yet it must belong to some one else because I can’t possibly deserve this one. I don’t know who should be living my life, all I know is that I wake up everyday in this guys shoes.

When I go out to work in the morning, I fear that I’m taking some one elses position in the grand scheme of things. I get to work in a truck that should belong to some one more qualified than I. When I show up at the different locations, it’s as if everyone is expecting some one else, so I turn to look behind me […]

and I have erectile dysfunction.

I think life is kidding with me! FUCK! I CAN’T FUCK ANYMORE!

can it be related to fluoxetine? or to alcohol and/or drugs? or to excessive consumption of porn? maybe all of the options i’ve listed?

this sucks. life sucks.

What’s the point of going on? Today everything seems hopeless.  I cried for close on three hours today. I finally turned to a friend for some sort of comfort, and basically got turned away because he’s too busy. Can’t talk to family because they don’t understand. Or they pretend to understand and be supportive for a few days, then they go back to being disappointed in me. I’m basically alone, with life going on all around me, and I’m just stuck. I’m not making any progress in life, what successes I do have are brushed aside as not being important enough. I’m lonely all the […]

that my idea of “suicide project” probably differs greatly from what the goal of this site is.

I have desired… not to live… (to be polite and respectful of others here, in my wording)… for over 2 and a half decades.

My entire life has been lost friends who can no longer put up with me… and finding it increasingly difficult to put up with myself.

Right now, the only thing that is stopping me are religious zealots in my country that demand that I live by THEIR rules, and the threat that THAT provides of me failing, and ending up otherwise immobile and on life support.

He whispered in my ear, fear me, dear, for I am Death. I’ll take that shit you call a life in a single fucking breath.

I stood on the edge of the balcony of my hotel room. 16 floors up. Top floor. And I wanted to jump. To fall. I wanted to know how it felt to die, to be no more.
Then I got scared.

Well i think my life is pretty shitty. I have constant jealousy of all the famous super stars and the billionaires. I feel like i just dont want to be me. I want to kill myself but im to weak. Im to scared i tried to tie something around my throat but then when i almost passed out i paniced and untied it. I tried to cut myself but then it failed to kill myself. Maybe i didnt cut deep enough or maybe i am just to much of a ***** to cut myself hard enough. So if i could get an easy way to […]

Last tuesday he asked me why I was so sad and I really wanted to answer properly. I did not want to say “I don’t know”, as all the other times. I wanted him to know that I wanted to tell him – i wanted him to know how much I needed to tell him. But I couldn’t get a word past my tongue, because I really didn’t know. I wish there was a reason, you know? Sometimes it would be a whole lot easier if I just knew, that I could say I was abused as a child and that’s why I have suicidal […]

It’s four days until it’s time to go for good. I keep pretending everything is fine and I’ll even see my therapist tomorrow. Of course she’ll want to talk about last week but I’ll just let her know that the thoughts are gone and I’m ok. If I really tell her, she’ll have to report me and I’ll be locked up in a nut house, so why bother? I’m screaming on the inside, honestly.

I’ve been asking close friends what they would do if they only had a few more days to live and I’ll slowly start doing what they say. Like yesterday morning, for example, […]