My partner is aware that I cut and drink poppy milk and take other ppl’s meds and eat “bad” things (rancid meat, small objects, live bugs, little chunks of my thighs, etc). And when they find out they always shrug it off and either act like it’s normal or pointedly ignore it. They let me take care of them and fuss over their health and they’ll grumble about it sure but they never point out the blatant hypocrisy. They talk about my eating habits to their internet friends like it’s a funny party trick and sometimes I’m fine with that because at least they’re not […]
Meet suicide show
I am laughing tears in my eyes continuously smiling struggling to be alive I don’t want to be alive any more more . I am feeling myself very hollow inside me anything I do I think it’s wrong or is going to go wrong because it’s in my hand.I cannot feel anything I am just like a rock just like a vegetable.Aur I am feeling everything and that is making me mad making me crazy making me very eager to kill myself.
I am just tired of everything everything of my own mistakes wrongly taken decision yes I am a loser
nobody likes losers […]
Anorexics don’t ask for help. Narcos don’t really want to put down the drugs.
I know because I’ve been there.
I got a therapist for the first time and I barely told them anything, I thought that day was going to be a good one but after I came home and told them about it the day just fell on itself and I regretted everything.
I just want him back, he doesn’t. I want to stroke my hand down the plush clothing on his back. I want to die.
But I can’t, as soon as I put the poison in again the smell fills my […]
I’m so not okay, I can’t feel anymore. This darkness inside of me is growing so rapidly that I can’t even control it anymore. I have nothing, nothing at all. Only the pain in my heart. Nobody even sees me anymore, I’ve become someone I don’t even know, I’m so fucking lost. I’ve tried to end it all twice and both times I woke up the next day, contemplating my life again. My heart feels heavy all the time, yet I’m numb to everything. I look at myself in the mirror, while I’m crying and I don’t see myself in my eyes anymore, I don’t […]
I close my eyes tonight
and gaze into the darkness
Death overcomes me and
I merge into emptiness forever
Lonely blissful solitude
Bereft of silly emotions
like love and sadness
and yearning and hate
Time stands still – of course
it was always just the illusive creation
of some human who had the hubris
to believe he controlled his fate
I’m nothing, life is nothing, in the end
Life doesn’t matter & neither do I
One star glowing in an infinite universe
has no power to make a difference
I close my eyes tonight
and fall into the darkness
One star dims to a black hole,
the universe goes […]
How do you achieve your dreams when they don’t make sense? How can the same person want two things that don’t correlate? You can have one but only at the expense of the other? This is a topic that a friend and I were just discussing, it made me realize that I can’t achieve my dreams without giving up on another dream, so basically I will always have some part of me that is disappointed no matter what I do.
Speaking of dreams, I had an odd dream last night, it is a dream I’ve had before but forgot about. Nothing exciting, at a museum in […]
It’s hard to keep living but killing myself is hard to do
i have no energy. i have given up. i do not deserve to be loved. i will never be loved by someone. i will never be in a safe situation. i will never be cherished. i will never be happy. i will never be unbound. i will never be kept around. i will never be anyone’s first priority. i will always be abandoned. i will always be pitied. i will always be the last choice. i will always be in pain. i will always be a puppet. i will always be worthless.
I am a happy girl. I work hard and my brain been lucky enough to feel good most of the time. Nothing bad has happened recently and from all rational input, my life is good and I am good.
Then I woke up one day with a random depression attack. I went from happy one minute to picturing myself jumping off the roof the next. It went away after a little while so I didn’t think much of it. Then a week later, the same thing happened but even more intensely. I was just fine. Nothing was wrong. I had a list of things to do […]
Hey
Hey
help help help
trying to breathe or something
i feel a bit light headed and hard to breathe like trying not to idk
holdling back my emotions like I’m a dam
i feel really light
and all tingly
i feel like im not here
anymore
what is this feeling?
Somewhere far away I am screaming
but here not, no I’m quiet as a mouse
quiet as a mouse
quiet as a mouse
quiet as a mouse
quiet as a mouse
quiet as a mouse
quiet as a mouse
quiet as a mouse
There are things I should probably be doing, in order to live a better life. To be a bit less miserable. But I don’t know how to bring myself to actually do them. To be less bad as a person. Because it requires confronting reality. And reality fills me with despair. It requires acknowledging the things that I’ve done, and the worse things that I want to do, and how fucked up it all is. And the fact that I will never be able to connect with another person because of that.
And recognizing all that makes me want to curl up in a ball and […]
I don’t know why I’m bothering with this, it’s so stupid.
I had a somewhat nice dinner, and there was a lot of it so there would be lots of leftovers. But somehow while putting it away in a big tupperware I managed to let it spill over the floor. It’s just some food, it shouldn’t be a big deal.
But a day later I’m still thinking about it; how it’s another thing on the list of things I fuck up and fail too do. Even the most basic of tasks I still mange to screw up.
my day consists of getting stuck in flashbacks and losing track of time.
i am too exhausted to feel anything but misery and dread.
i want to tear open my flesh.
i want to see my own blood.
i want to destroy the place on me that he forced me to carve so that his name is no longer visible.
i want to feel that piece of me torn away.
i want to feel that freedom.
I’m currently a freshman in high school and one of the things I don’t understand is why being the nice guy gets you bullied! people have been going out of their way to make fun of some videos I made 2-3 months ago on an old but now dead trend. why put in the effort to make fun of me I don’t even know any of them. its been going on for a while and I feel I cant trust anybody because it was some of my “friends” that showed these kids the video. i cant get away from these kids I just want to […]
I used to be a good religious kid. Never abused. I said my prayers, went to church, helped other people and was so full of love. I served a mission for church and suffered a major bout of depression.
I went into the military serving two tours in Iraq as a combat medic. I lost friends while there. I come home met the woman of my dreams and her two kids that I loved. She turns around and stabs me in the back. She broke my heart with her lies so badly. I put a gun in my mouth and contemplated pulling that trigger. The only […]
I’m so tired.. not in the “I’m tired from a long day at work” but tired as in.. tired of breathing, sleeping, eating, tired of just being here to here.. tired of being in this body… If only I could wake up tomorrow and be in a new body in a new life….
How do I get back at someone who strangled me many times to the point where I ended up in the emergency room to have the neck and head scans show that I was badly abused/strangled, put a gun to my face, manipulated me, cheated on me, called me crazy until I did come crazy and cut my wrist because I just wanted to die. People tell me that divorcing him and working on myself is a form of getting back at him but I say NO! How does this person get to walk away clean after the many times he abused while I am […]
this morning, i was informed that an old acquaintance from middle school was found unresponsive. unresponsive as in lifeless. dead. to me, that sounds like an OD (purposeful or not, i’m not sure). i hadn’t spoken to him since 2018, because he graduated junior high and i was still a grade behind him. it’s a really horrible feeling? being eaten away by shock but being physically unable to cry. i wasn’t extremely close to him, i didn’t have his phone number or anything like that, but it still hurts. he always wanted to make people laugh, a class clown by choice. i’m struggling to register […]
Depression is different for black girls. We’re told from a young age that we don’t matter as much as others. I remember my teacher telling me I must be cheating on my work because id continuously score higher than most kids in school. I remember constantly being ranked last on “whos prettiest” lists. Me and other little black girls.
My mental health has been in a constant state of freefall. Doctors thinking i feel less pain than others. People thinking Im so strong…when im weak. Ive BEEN weak. And today, im not sure how ive made it this far. All I know is that it must […]