What keeps me here on earth are the pills that I’m taking for my mental health

I am not well. I am not well. I wonder what this night will hold…Earlier today I wrote an elaborate email to a friend that I recently spoke to about my suicidal thoughts.  It is a goodbye message. In a few minutes I will write one for my siblings, and they will be saved as drafts on my phone.  This is all just too much for me.  If things get bad, I’ll only need to press send. I am so anxious and afraid I’m shaking. I’m nauseous. I can’t think clearly. I want peace.

the way my blood ran cold every time you threatened me

the way that the blade felt as i dug it into my flesh to form the letters of your name

the way the candle wax burned as it hit my skin

the way that the acidic feeling in my throat would linger when you made me film myself purging

the way i would try to speak clearly between sobs in those videos you forced me to make, the ones where i apologized to you

the way you talked me out of taking my life in front of you, not out of love, but out of your desire to keep […]

so i wrote a little bit of code

and i was a bit proud of it

but then it said there was an error

and me the sad

I am really trying.  I am really struggling.  I am struggling through a grief process that should’ve happened almost two years ago, but I only delayed through heavy marijuana use.  In late January of this year, it caught up with me, and I had to quit because of problems sleeping.  I’ve been clean now for almost two months, and in some respects things have improved, in others not so much.  All the mental health issues (depression and anxiety) that I’d been keeping at bay with weed are now front and center, demanding attention.  I feel naked and defenselss against them.  I am unemployed also, just […]

I fucked up and I don’t deserve pity. My stupid self cheated in a BIO exam and I am at risk of being investigated. I’m a university, sophomore pre-med student hoping to become a pediatrician but my stupid self couldn’t study enough and I had to resort to cheating. I regret it and I can’t justify what I did but I’m so scared of the possibility of having this on my record and unable to get scholarships, being suspended or expelled, and unable to get into medical school. I don’t know what to do and I am afraid that I might not want to live […]

so i recently found this song called ‘sugar crash’ on a minecraft youtuber meme

for some reason the songs kinda relatable

(got some pretty dark lyrics tho, don’t recommend)

i’ll just send the first verse:

I’m on a sugar crash, I ain’t got no fuckin’ cash
Maybe I should take a bath, cut my fuckin’brain in half
I’m not lonely, just a bit tired of this fuckin’ shit
Nothin’ that I write can make me feel good

Warning: It’s a long one, and there is swearing. I’m going to tell you about a toxic relationship I have and can’t let go of. I’m a bit dumb and generally need to make my own mistakes so I am not looking for advice. I’ll post a summary at the end.

I had my first serious relationship in high-school and I fell in love hard. I know it is cheesy and predictable. There isn’t anything quite like it if you are lucky. I was, at least I thought I was? We dated for 4 years and had some rough times and some perfect ones.

But as […]

Hi. Kinda letting out my frustration at my office’s meeting yesterday. But I feel regret after letting out. Maybe I shouldn’t be honest. Is this feeling normal? I keep overthinking about this. I keep feeling awkward with everyone. Help me please.

I’ve always struggled with insomnia? But lately it has evolved. I am not sure when it became my primary coping mechanism but it is like an anchor now. It stops me from being pulled down river but if a big wave comes I almost drown. The longer I’m awake the slower life goes. I feel like everything moves so quickly and I can’t keep up. Like I’m picking between two types of drowning.

So I choose to steal quiet moments in exchange of my sanity. The less I sleep the longer my days. The less I sleep the longer I can avoid dealing with the next […]

I’m really struggling to focus on anything. I’m rereading emails five times just trying to catch what they are about. Ask me of I saw something, I could be looking right at it and miss it. Half the time I have no idea what a conversation is even about. Something is wrong and I can’t seem to get a grip on myself. I’m just floating through my life on autopilot and anything that requires my presence is really a struggle for some reason.

Hello everyone. I’m new here. I discovered this website when i tried to google suicide methods. Nice to meet you all

I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired. I’m tired of dealing with life. I fucking hate this. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I just want to go to sleep.

I’m living for a delusion. A fantasy. And I know that. It’s never going to work out. In the end, all I’ll be left with is my sad lonely little reality. But I can’t stop myself. I’m not in control. I’m so enthralled by the fantasy that I’ll keep sitting through the pain day after day, just for a chance to pretend.

It’s so pathetic. I’m just another dumb meat robot, lumbering on in the vain pursuit of procreation. But cursed with the awareness that it’s hopeless, and all that’s left is pain.

Reason is the slave of the passions. It doesn’t matter that suicide is the […]

Today is your birthday. I know it has been very long since we last spoke but I at least want to say this year happy birthday Kimberly. I can’t reach out to you anymore through letters and I know I probably shouldn’t but just this year it is important for me that I get to say this though here at the very least.

You wrote in the very last letter you sent me that you hope that goodbye was not the last goodbye. That hopefully one day the universe could bring us back together again. I held onto that idea, even though I told you it […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

does anyone else feel like whenever they go to all of these different doctors you’re just listening to people speak and literally nothing changes after you leave. Am I not listening hard enough? I try to actually listen the entire time. Am I just not listening hard enough or something?

So, as things seem to happen, we had a little collision between my private health crisis and the support group. The major issue/technique is called dissassociating. It’s the point you pull your brain back and try not to return to the land of the conscious. You can even do it while awake, and every now and then a therapist will tell you that it’s “meditation” and “good for you.”

I’ll grant, I’m a fan. When I first wake it is incorporeal, aware that my body has decided to be ready to be inhabited again. Then I fight that urge. Stay abstract, my hands and body feeling […]

My morning shower thought:

If you knew when you were going to die, would you live your life any differently right now? If you suspected you had cancer, and there was a good chance that it is cancer, would you go to your appointment to get your death sentence? What would it take for you to live your best life right now?
When you’re living life, you should always be doing something that you want to be doing in that moment in time. Sometimes you hear “do things that future you will thank you for”, but then you would be living in the future.
My question […]