To all of my SP friends, please stay strong and be safe during your difficult moments. People do care about you and love you. Don’t give up hope.

Dave

some days i just hate myself so much. I can’t stand to look at myself. Today i kept fantasizing about having my face crushed and destroyed. And no one needs me. Everyone around me would be better off without me. I want to kill myself i’m just too lazy to do it.

I had this dream the other night. I can tell about it because it was quite detailed and made at least a little sense while most of my dreams don’t. Though I can’t fully figure it out, but I can link it to my daily fears. It will take  some time to read, I tried to put it as close as I could.

The “action” took place in my home, that tiny apartment on the 5th floor that  my parents own.  I was home and they were at work as usual. Time around noon. I sat at our kitchen table watching some crap on my laptop. […]

I know i havent posted in awhile, but ive just had a lot of new stuff going on. Some good and some bad.

2 weeks ago i was bored and posted a picture of me on fb..didnt expect a guy that i used to be best friends with to be the first one to like it then message me. Didnt expect to get 20 comments on it, all from my family yelling me to smile. I had nothing to smile about, so why bother?
Lets see, 7 1/2 hrs later and a lot of texting, that guy asks me out, i say yes, and the […]

That will be my one crowning achievement in my worthless fucking existence. I want her to find my bruised bloody corpse and know that she is the reason for it.

Feeling really insecure about my scars.. They are fading away and i don’t know what to make of that. I am not feeling depressed today (I am currently in my ‘happy’ cycle) but all I can think about is cutting.. especially on my arms. They have faded so much, I loved the look of them and now they are gone… I am so confused with these feelings.

When I crash into my ‘Depressed Cycle’  I know I will cut, badly. Guess I am just waiting. . . […]

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried so hard for so long that i’ve got nothing left in the tank. What’s left for a person at this point? How do I continue to struggle on? Where can I find inspiration in a world that I detest so wholly? Why do i sit here typing in these questions hoping they’ll be magically answered?

Why is it wrong for a person who has gone their whole life caring about others to finally be selfish for once? Even if that selfish act is suicide.

I’ve no desire left to exist, I […]

I feel quite exhausted right now it’s four in the morning and I’m wide awake, my body is getting so  used to staying up every night. I don’t really value myself too much and I feel like it’s my petty problem that I should be able to deal with but it’s easier said than done especially today when I logged on Facebook there was a girl wanting to commit suicide and so many people were trying to help her  and just looking at it made me feel lonely and want to cry because of how much I’m hiding

I’ve become in love with it. I love it so much, that about the only time I smile anymore is when I know I’ll be going to sleep soon.

Ready to Die

Internally cry

Externally expression void

Mentally paranoid death will never come

Loath the sun

Cause it means it’s not done

Await the return of his Son

Not sure which will come first

Awaiting both since birth

The girth of the hearse isn’t wide enough for this hurt

World lets me down

In sorrow I drown

Daily I frown

Never to wear a crown

life is white death is black, both I lack so I have brown

A miserable existence

Mind so distant, because of an Earthly resistance

A built up tolerance of  pain

Smoke on the brain

Emotions down the drain

Heart permanently stained

Considering staying

Tired of paying

Continuously praying

But life is a strain

So  ready to break the chains

That bind to this plane

God something’s […]

Where is Dave_N?

He is usually always around and hasn’t been in a while. I hope you are okey dave :\

I’ve been visiting this site for the past few days, and have been wondering why. Why am I here? Why am I reading other peoples’ stories? Do I want to post my story? Do I get some sort of kink out of the misery of others? Do I enjoy other peoples’ pain? Do I hope that I might be able to sympathize or empathize with them? Why? The reason I post this now is because I think I now know.

Is there anyone out there like me?

I’ve been wanting to die for six years now and have attempted suicide seventeen times, but that’s not want I […]

But what if you are the one destroying yourself?

Maybe I should kill myself.

Despite the allure of the quiet and peace of silencing my inner torment I am still here…

Still here…alone, despair, pain, all facets unseen

Yes, everything to live for…two wonderful sons, family that loves me, a good job, advanced degrees…but for naught, the pain is still here…

Still here…as I drive around each day…a collision away from silence

I am here because of others…ironically, helping others is what I do best…it is because of others that I am still here

and here I am

Ever familiar with the temptation of silence…thwarted so long ago…and I’m still here

A lone, despair-filled soul, wandering the night, fearful of the next day

As I find once […]

im from a little country in the caribbean. my whole life ive lived with terrible social anxiety. i shut down when i try to be around anyone. its prevented me from growing up and becoming anything. im 24 now.

when i was younger i got the chance to live in england w my aunt. she saw i had no life here with deadbeat family. i had dropped out of school and slept through the day.

years were difficult in england. my problems eventually got me sent back home.

i live now w my parents and every day is the same. i never go out and i dont have […]

Hello.

Let me just start out by saying my life has been shitty since my teenage years.  I started really feeling these types of feelings when I was 13.  It was bad, really bad.  My family life was not great and I had no social skills.  I wasn’t abused, mistreated or any of the like.  I just didn’t really develop those social skills you need to succeed in life.  I started having these thoughts at 13 and it progressed as I got older and nothing really improved.  There was something in the back of my mind which kept telling me things will get better, don’t give […]

My whole life I have had horrible luck. I always had to struggle for the things I wanted while the people around me just got it handed to them.

I started self harming when I was around 11 it started out as light cutting on my left arm and then once I made enough cuts I would stop until they healed
One night I decided to write a suicide note and take a bunch of pills. I took around 60 pills of all kinds, some sleeping pills, some pain relievers, some pills that were just there. What ever pills I had I took them
Some […]

I have always been an upbeat person; the type who keeps a positive attitude towards living. Since I was ten years old I have had HIV. Even though I still try to stay positive about it, physically I am starting to feel very fatigued and tired this year. Some part of me really just wants to let the disease win and let nature take its course. I have been fighting this disease for almost twenty years, and am exhausted. Currently I am on a large scholarship for doctoral research in bioremediation and my life is full of promise. Unfortunately, I don’t feel I have the […]

Everyday I convince myself a little more that my life is significantly less meaningful than I used to believe it was. Everyday I become more convinced that I matter less and that I’m not loved and that life in general is purposeless.

The one and only person I have ever loved does not love me back. Cannot love me back. (My best friend)

And everyday my best friend becomes more distant and dismissive and leaves me grieving for what our friendship used to be. Leaves me grieving for the feeling of her needing me and her being there for me when I needed her. But every […]

My husband is going out into the field for four days tomorrow. I feel as though this is my time to go. I will have enough time to think, write letters, and make arrangements. More things happen every day to remind me that I am not meant to be here, to be alive. There is no point. No one will miss me for long, people will move on. Like they always do. They can survive without me and I think it would be a mistake for me to survive any longer. I have no talents, no friends, no love, and absolutely no control over my […]