I’ve decided to put off my suicide plans for now for two reasons, the first because of a boy I like which I guess is silly,the second is my mom found my notes and that threw off any upcoming plans.

Living with depression is very hard for me, I’ve tried to understand it but you just can’t it’s unpredictable, sometimes I’m randomly crying and and sometimes I’m crying because work feels over whelming and then there’s the days I spend most of my time sleeping or surfing the internet , and any kind of relationship I had with people is ruined because  I tend to isolate […]

im going crazy these two days. i dont know why. I sent to ***** all of my Loves. Sitting all weekend alone by tv and being a vegetable. Tomorow i totally move out from my city and i will be living totally alone in a small city with no friends. I am going to quit my job at ambulance tomorow totally – i will even delete that one shift.. Somehow im deleting everything and preparing for a new start from 0. I just dont know why. I miss my friends and i miss attention, but somewhy im pulling myself to sadness black and dark period. […]

Ok, I have Major depressive disorder, Bulimia Nervosa, Borderline personality disorder, Chronic suicidal ideation and Post traumatic stress disorder diagnosed. I have been on Zopiclone, Flouxetine, Bupropien, Quetiapine, Topiramite, Promethazine, Clonazepam. Currently on all apart from first two. I have legit no friends and attempt suicide all the time. I’m a frequent overdoser and have had 4 suicide attempts caught and put in hosp. Last week I took 30 pills, a deadly combination, it worked almost, I had a seizure but then later on 2 hours later, I started hallucinating. My mum caught me hallucinating as I text my sis in them and told them […]

I hate myself

i fell worthless basical everyday people think that i am happy hyper girl they expect but deep inside i fell like shit like everyone hates me i struggle to learn i am a really slow learner i try my best. i hate everthing about me my body my eye my face everthing i wear jumpers in summer and leggings somtimes because i fell so fat and that people will judge me i hate getting notice by people i somtime fell like i want to be invisble i fell like no one cares about me no more i hate looking at my self in the mirrow […]

well it all stated last year…… i meet its guy and we started going out … all my friends and i where close ..then my boyfriend started to hit me and made me do things i didnt want to do .. then he went and told everyone everything then i started to be called a slut and a hoe and ugly and alot more things .. and my friend started to talk about me too they where saying that i went to a party and slept with a guy i dint know and got prenent .. well alot happen but i feel alone and wish […]

Honestly, if I had to say who I hated the most, I’d say myself. I’m such a mess. and I don’t think I’m worth the life that I’ve been given. If I had to say who bullied me, again, same as above. I just feel so worthless and that I don’t deserve anything. I hate everything about me. my face, my body, my smile, I just nit-pick at myself until I feel like crying and it’s exhausting. but I can’t stop. it’s a vicious little cycle that my mind has grown attached too.

Like, for example, I don’t think I’m pretty, at all. far from it, […]

today i found out i have cancer (leukemia) i dont know what to do, i dont have long to live, ive always wanted to die but now its coming im scared, the sad thing is i will never get married, have a family of my own and never have sex.

ive been crying most of the day and i still am, ie cut my wrists about 50 times deep and shallow and i feel nothing. im scared im really really scared, i was going to end my life in a week but now i know i have leukemia i am really really scared. im in a […]

it’s okay too be done and give up right? whats the point of thinking i can go on i have tried and tried to deal with peoples lies and bull shit but it gets harder to ignore all the time and i do not even trust very many people at school that i meet because they are just going to tell other people and spread the words that you say and mabey even twist them around. gossip is a monster i am sick of the lies i am sick of always sucking it up and trying to get threw it whats the point? what is […]

Excuse the paragraphs if its too long I am terribly sorry. I just need to get this out before it eats me alive. I dont know how people would feel about me afterwards but whatever happens will happen.
Hello. Im 16 years old and I started hurting myself when I was 13.
I had friends as a kid. My family was okay and everything seemed well. Though in the 5th grade thats when I really started to think about things about people. Thats when I started to see people as liars and fakes. Everyone was a liar and I couldnt trust anyone.
When I entered […]

I can’t seem to bear being alone.

I hate that.

All my life when presented with a choice to makethe better choice, I choice the lesser. Instead of standing for what I believed was “right” I took the road of the coward. Or I made de isions without thinking of the end result. All of these choices lead me to where I am now. I’m back to drinking myself to sleep every night, I can’t even function around people any more. I’ve lost all of my true friends because I pushed them away. Why would I do this? because over the years I’ve been feeding myself lies of my own motives and who I tmruly was… […]

All my life I have put my friends before myself. All my life I have asked how they were doing. How they’re holding up. If they’re okay. If they need anyone to talk to. To have a shoulder to cry on. A rock to keep them in place. Someone to come to when they don’t know what to do or what to say. I have always been there. No matter what, I have always been there. I don’t judge, I don’t talk until everything they have to let out is said, I don’t even tell them what’s going on i my life because at those […]

23 suicide attempts this year.

300+ cuts fresh and old

does anyone care? no

recently i cut arms (left) from my shoulder to my wrist in all directions and in all depths. and my right fore arm the same. i WANT to go to a mental hospital i WANT help but me parents refuse. i use to cut for the fuck of it and at that time i would also pop pills and smoke weed without a care in the world. but now my life has hit the bottom im a home schooled loser with no friends anymore. people hate talking to me for what ever reason i […]

just when you think you can handle everything you in the end you can’t i am never understood by anyone and you have to know my story in order to judge me. you only know my name not my story so do not judge me before hearing it.  if you want to hear my story all you have to do is ask and you can tell me yours in return i am here to listen but do not think i do not understand anything because i do. i understand a lot of things sometimes you have to explain something to me but do not think […]

I used feel pitty for myself cause I had so many bad things happen to me. And now I feel empty like I’m just waiting for the next thing to come and hit me. And I’m not saying that my life is so shit blah blah cause no one gives a shit I get that now, but to me that’s not fair. how can people just be blinded by someone in so much pain they would rather put themselves to sleep than to have to face another day. I don’t want to kill myself I want to live my life happy and free from pain, […]

Me. I caused my life to be this way. I am defective. I was given choices and I may not have always made the right choice. But from those choices, good or bad, right or wrong, I am here. Here is not a good place.  I am sorry, my head is a bit messed up tonight thinking too much about the choices I made in my life. I need a distraction.

I tried it before when I was younger but I didn’t know what I was doing and I failed.  Actually, I tried it twice.  Both attempts were stupidly executed.  One was pills and that resulted in me just getting really sick, and upset. It felt like my brain was wrapped in wool inside my skull and I was hearing everyone talk to me through that barrier.  And I threw up.   FAIL.

The other time, I gave myself too much opportunity to back out, and that’s what I did.

20 years later, I want to do the same thing (die), but I don’t know how.

I’ve tried to […]

People try to understand me.

They think they can.

But people always underestimate me.

That’s all part of the plan.

It will all make sense soon.

Just wait and see.

The look on your face will be priceless.

When you realize it’s me.

There will be rumors and talk for awhile.

But the principal can’t just hide.

He’ll have to tell you all sooner or later.

That I committed suicide.

Some of you will care.

Maybe even shed a few tears.

But like our friendship,

I will fade over the years.

My memory will die with freshmen graduation.

Hide the horrible truth from the new generation.

But im happy with my decision.

Nothing you say matters at all.

Because I’ve realized my purpose in life.

I am […]